agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Eric: My husband and his ex-wife have 50/50 custody of their 15-year-old son. I despise this child. He is completely useless, rude, disrespectful, selfish, ungrateful and lazy. All he does is stare at his computer screen. I have carefully planned my entire life schedule around his schedule, to avoid being at the house on the days he is there for my husband's 50 percent custody.

My husband has just told me that his ex-wife is moving to another state far away and that he is going to take full custody of his son. This means the child I despise so much is now going to be living with me at my house full time, every single day, and there's nothing I can do about it. My husband refuses to let his son move away with his ex. How do I manage this?

– Fed Up

Dear Fed Up: Though your stepson is human, and therefore imperfect like we all are, it’s important to remember that he is also a child and largely powerless in this situation. Yes, he could improve his behavior, but it’s easy to imagine that splitting his time between two houses and navigating a stepparent relationship with someone who despises him doesn’t make for the best life experience.

What you’ve written about his attitude sounds unpleasant, to be sure, but I don’t see anything that rises to the level of aggression or abuse. It may be there; I don’t know. But it sounds like you just don’t like him, and your attitude is making this harder than it needs to be.

This is a relationship that pre-dates your marriage and so you, as an adult, have to do more to make it work. It’s not a feasible solution to tell your husband to send his child away because you don’t like the child.

Assuming you’ve tried to make in-roads with the teen and had no success, it’s time for you to accept what is, for now. If being in the house with him is completely untenable, that’s a problem in your relationship with him, but it’s also a problem in your marriage. So, start thinking of it as something you need to work on for the health of your marriage. This may mean changing your mindset; this may mean family therapy; this may mean taking a firmer stance on ground rules for respect in the home, in conjunction with your husband.

Ask yourself how you can help your husband to raise his kid. The son is a part of your husband’s life and he always will be. Attitudinal issues or clashes of personality aren’t unforgivable. This is your family. Family isn’t always perfect; we don’t always like it. But this minor who shares a home with you doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Talk to him and talk to your husband about what you all need to coexist.

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Geez, I'd stare at my computer all day too if the alternative was to interact with this LW.

I despise this child. He is completely useless, rude, disrespectful, selfish, ungrateful and lazy. All he does is stare at his computer screen.

Wow. I cannot understand why LW's husband allows her to treat his son with such obvious disdain. Look, LW, husband has made it clear he's not getting rid of his son. This may be a situation where divorce may be the kindest solution all around.

Seriously, don't marry people who hate your children if your children are under the age of 25. (Probably don't marry them if they're over the age of 25 and you're not totally estranged from them, but, I mean, people are gonna do what they're gonna do.)

I agree. His relationship with his son should take priority over his wife.

She sounds like my ex's partner. If we're talking about abuse, if she expresses herself this way where the kid could overhear (or worse, directly), that counts and is so damaging. The kid is 15. The only thing we know about his history is that dad married someone who doesn't like him and avoids him. My friends and I used to joke that our teenagers would have their heads up their asses until at least age 25. And we loved them and cared for them and eventually, they all turned out to be pretty awesome adults by their mid-20s.

Okay, which Grimm fairy tale with a wicked stepmother is this? Usually the birth mother is dead, but surely there are some...

I believe most of those stories originally had wicked parents, not wicked stepparents. The Brothers Grimm changed them for reasons of propriety, and then later on other collectors did their utmost to change as many as possible *back* on the grounds that "lots of kids have stepparents, can we not".

Or, y'know, continue to "carefully plan" your life schedule to avoid the days your stepson's at the house. Which will now be all of them. Considering how little your husband has cared about your absence, he probably won't object to you being gone for the three-to-nine years your stepson will be living with him.

Sheesh. Just get a divorce already.

The boy is probably absolutely delightful every minute LW is not with him, glaring.

I have known a number of rude 15-year-olds, but very few as rude as LW. I always distrust LWs who list off a lot of derogatory adjectives with zero anecdotes except something like "all he does is stare at his screen." I mean, it's one thing if you say "Can you please put your dishes in the dishwasher" and he says "Fuck off," quite another thing if he says "In a minute" and then forgets. And it's yet a third thing if you say icily, "I suppose it's too much to ask Crown Prince here to deal with his goddamn dirty dishes" and he mutters, "Fuck off."

(And I had to make up the dirty dish thing because we are not told anything of actual laziness or disrespect.)