agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife, “Lourdes” and I have a 2-year-old daughter, “Mackenzie.” Mackenzie was a difficult baby (long crying spells, difficult to soothe, hypersensitive to sound, fussy about solid food, etc.), and my wife has a low threshold for frustration. So most of Mackenzie’s care fell to me since Lourdes said she “couldn’t deal with it.” The result has been that our daughter is closer to me than she is to her mother. Well, Lourdes said something disturbing regarding our daughter recently.

Mackenzie had a meltdown when my wife tried to get her dressed for daycare, so Lourdes told me I needed to do it because of her theory that our daughter “hates her” and “the feeling is mutual.” Mackenzie has a routine of putting her clothes on in a specific order. Lourdes is aware of it, but wanted to do it her way, which set her off. Mackenzie has her quirks, and if you work with her (her daycare providers follow them and have reported no issues), everything is fine. The trouble is that my wife is accustomed to people doing things her way, and she does not react well when her expectations are not met. I’m seriously concerned about her relationship with Mackenzie, especially because right after her mother tasked me with dressing her that day, she said, “Mommy is mean.” Lourdes balked when I suggested counseling. How am I supposed to resolve this?

—Daughter Division

Dear Division,

If your wife isn’t willing to address her issues with a professional, you need to start thinking about what solo parenting would look like for you and Mackenize—you’re basically a married single parent already. It’s one thing to be overwhelmed by a high energy child, or to struggle to connect with one due to postpartum depression. Your wife has admitted to hating your daughter, and a child is not safe with someone who feels that way about them. Tell your wife that her issues with Mackinize are concerning, she needs to get some help and if she doesn’t, you’ll be forced to take steps necessary to protect your child. Lean on your village and identify trusted loved ones you can confide in about these issues and who can, ideally, step in and provide childcare on occasion. Do not leave your baby in your wife’s care alone unless you can help it. Do not wave this off as something that may simply get better in time–the stakes are far too high.

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1. I have no idea what to make of "quirks". Is this shorthand for "She's two, I mean, c'mon" or does LW mean "I don't want to label her"? Because, buddy, if it's the latter, labels are helpful!

1a. It certainly won't harm Mackenzie to get evaluated, so long as you're aware that sometimes these evaluations can come up negative at 2 and really, that's because it'll be more obvious at 10.

2. Whatever the definition of "quirks", what sort of asshole do you have to be, when helping another person with a basic life skill like getting dressed - no matter how old they are! - to deliberately do it in a way you know they dislike? And if Lourdes doesn't know this about her own daughter, what's going on there?

3. Lourdes, honey, you're the adult, she's the child.

4. If Lourdes won't get the therapy and parenting classes she urgently needs then LW should get them. This is not the only way Lourdes is difficult to deal with.

our daughter “hates her” and “the feeling is mutual.”

Holy shit something is very wrong here, the LW is underreacting and C&F is absolutely right to say that this is an urgent problem the LW needs to be solving with drastic action.

This sure sounds like Lourdes and Mackenzie share some potentially inherited "quirks" and could both benefit from evaluation.

That said, you can't force the adult to be evaluated, and the 2-year-old's needs have to take priority.

and this is why i never had kids. because i know i do not possess the patience for it. i just wish more people would let themselves be clearer about what kind of parent they'd be instead of just... having kids.

sorry oop, but if she won't go to counselling, you should go yourself and get clear about what kind of childhood you want for your child. maybe it'll get better once the kid isn't so small and helpless, but honestly, leaving her feeling hated for so long kind of makes you as bad as your wife.

>Mackenzie.” Mackenzie was a difficult baby (long crying spells, difficult to soothe, hypersensitive to sound, fussy about solid food, etc.), and my wife has a low threshold for frustration.

Hmm. That said, maybe the baby isn't the only one who might need an assessment.

It is totally reasonable to not have kids.

But if you didn't realize this about yourself and ended up with kids, you gotta suck it up, you know? (And I'm sure you would find a way to make it work if you got saddled with a child due to, idk, a zombie apocalypse killing her parents or something. You appear to have the self awareness that Lourdes in the letter lacks.)

Edited 2026-02-21 16:17 (UTC)

i've sucked a lot up since my sister had a kid with a man who figured out that he didn't want kids about 10 minutes after my nephew was born. i don't want kids, but i don't want them to feel disposable. its just wild to me how many people are happier to be a bad parent than to not be a parent.

we can only go off the writers view of the situation and for all i know this could be some ppd that never got caught and she's really drowning. but without her side it's impossible to know what's going on there and op is really not being a good dad by leaving his kid to go through this. she might not remember what's happening at her age, but she'll remember the feeling.

Edited 2026-02-21 17:13 (UTC)

I'm just finding it ironic that "Lourdes" is my easy-going-to-the-point-of-passive MiL's name, whereas my mother was more the "my way or the high way" type. Not to the point of abuse, but she definitely thought I overindulged the then-small fanperson by letting her make certain choices very young.

But C&F is definitely right: LW needs to be seriously considering divorce and sole custody. I doubt Lourdes will fight for much.

I really wish this culture would internalize that not every relationship is a relationship of equals. "She hates me, and it's mutual" is what you could say about your toxic neighbor or co-worker, not your literal 2yo child. She's not malicious or spiteful! SHE IS 2.

This is not the only way Lourdes is difficult to deal with.

Yep. LW says The trouble is that my wife is accustomed to people doing things her way, and she does not react well when her expectations are not met. This is a guaranteed recipe for disaster when dealing with a toddler. And I would bet something has already happened, for Mackenzie to say "Mommy is mean." LW, listen to your daughter!

I do find it interesting that the LW is presumably the father (although it’s possible that they are non-binary or another woman, but that tends to be stated in the letter), and most columnists would not call someone a “married single parent” if it were the mother doing the majority of childcare tasks.

With that said, this family definitely needs counseling/parenting classes, and I agree that Lourdes’ behavior is highly concerning.

My general read of this is that Lourdes has likely had some serious PPD that needs treatment, because it sounds like she is checked out. I don't know if I want to rush to think that she actually hates her child or if she made the remark in a moment of frustration/emotion (not saying that it was okay, but having gone through some really awful PPD myself a very long time ago, it can make you behave like a different person, and not knowing the type of person Lourdes is, what she meant by it).

I do think that counseling should be insisted on as the bare minimum here, because it sounds like Lourdes needs help with parenting, and MacKenzie needs a present parent.

Agreed about "married single parent," and also, it sounds like the kid would be better off if LW was doing effectively all the childcare. The question for LW may be something like "do you want to do all the childcare, or continue sharing it with someone who, best case, is doing it badly because she's badly stressed and/or depressed?"

The columnist should also have told LW that if Lourdes won't go to joint counseling, he should start seeing a therapist by himself.

The irony of Lourdes throwing a tantrum if she doesn't get her way, when up against a /toddler/, is ... something

but also she should not be anywhere near kids holy guacamole

(also, I have a bad feeling Lourdes is one of the types of people who thinks a difficult baby is doing that maliciously at the parent, when they're just ... expressing discomfort the only way they can)