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Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife, “Lourdes” and I have a 2-year-old daughter, “Mackenzie.” Mackenzie was a difficult baby (long crying spells, difficult to soothe, hypersensitive to sound, fussy about solid food, etc.), and my wife has a low threshold for frustration. So most of Mackenzie’s care fell to me since Lourdes said she “couldn’t deal with it.” The result has been that our daughter is closer to me than she is to her mother. Well, Lourdes said something disturbing regarding our daughter recently.
Mackenzie had a meltdown when my wife tried to get her dressed for daycare, so Lourdes told me I needed to do it because of her theory that our daughter “hates her” and “the feeling is mutual.” Mackenzie has a routine of putting her clothes on in a specific order. Lourdes is aware of it, but wanted to do it her way, which set her off. Mackenzie has her quirks, and if you work with her (her daycare providers follow them and have reported no issues), everything is fine. The trouble is that my wife is accustomed to people doing things her way, and she does not react well when her expectations are not met. I’m seriously concerned about her relationship with Mackenzie, especially because right after her mother tasked me with dressing her that day, she said, “Mommy is mean.” Lourdes balked when I suggested counseling. How am I supposed to resolve this?
—Daughter Division
Dear Division,
If your wife isn’t willing to address her issues with a professional, you need to start thinking about what solo parenting would look like for you and Mackenize—you’re basically a married single parent already. It’s one thing to be overwhelmed by a high energy child, or to struggle to connect with one due to postpartum depression. Your wife has admitted to hating your daughter, and a child is not safe with someone who feels that way about them. Tell your wife that her issues with Mackinize are concerning, she needs to get some help and if she doesn’t, you’ll be forced to take steps necessary to protect your child. Lean on your village and identify trusted loved ones you can confide in about these issues and who can, ideally, step in and provide childcare on occasion. Do not leave your baby in your wife’s care alone unless you can help it. Do not wave this off as something that may simply get better in time–the stakes are far too high.
Link
My wife, “Lourdes” and I have a 2-year-old daughter, “Mackenzie.” Mackenzie was a difficult baby (long crying spells, difficult to soothe, hypersensitive to sound, fussy about solid food, etc.), and my wife has a low threshold for frustration. So most of Mackenzie’s care fell to me since Lourdes said she “couldn’t deal with it.” The result has been that our daughter is closer to me than she is to her mother. Well, Lourdes said something disturbing regarding our daughter recently.
Mackenzie had a meltdown when my wife tried to get her dressed for daycare, so Lourdes told me I needed to do it because of her theory that our daughter “hates her” and “the feeling is mutual.” Mackenzie has a routine of putting her clothes on in a specific order. Lourdes is aware of it, but wanted to do it her way, which set her off. Mackenzie has her quirks, and if you work with her (her daycare providers follow them and have reported no issues), everything is fine. The trouble is that my wife is accustomed to people doing things her way, and she does not react well when her expectations are not met. I’m seriously concerned about her relationship with Mackenzie, especially because right after her mother tasked me with dressing her that day, she said, “Mommy is mean.” Lourdes balked when I suggested counseling. How am I supposed to resolve this?
—Daughter Division
Dear Division,
If your wife isn’t willing to address her issues with a professional, you need to start thinking about what solo parenting would look like for you and Mackenize—you’re basically a married single parent already. It’s one thing to be overwhelmed by a high energy child, or to struggle to connect with one due to postpartum depression. Your wife has admitted to hating your daughter, and a child is not safe with someone who feels that way about them. Tell your wife that her issues with Mackinize are concerning, she needs to get some help and if she doesn’t, you’ll be forced to take steps necessary to protect your child. Lean on your village and identify trusted loved ones you can confide in about these issues and who can, ideally, step in and provide childcare on occasion. Do not leave your baby in your wife’s care alone unless you can help it. Do not wave this off as something that may simply get better in time–the stakes are far too high.
Link