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Well, this is a dramatic letter that's hopefully fake
Dear Prudence,
A few days after Christmas, my oldest sister (“Clair”) sent a text message to me and my siblings (four of us total) saying “due to what happened on Christmas Day, I am taking a break from my family”—nothing more, no explanation, no response to us texting back “what happened?”. Christmas was at my house, and I could not think of anything bad that happened, and my other siblings were at a loss also. In talking to my mom a few days later, she mentioned that Clair was upset that we didn’t get her grandkids (ages 5 and 7), my grandnephews, anything for Christmas and that she and her family were topics of discussion and unwarranted questions were being asked about them and she didn’t like it. I can’t for the life of me imagine why.
Her son and his wife and kids moved back to the area three months ago and other than some baby gifts when they were newborns, no gifts have ever been given to them, so the expectation caught us completely off guard. As for being the topic of discussion and questions? How could we help ourselves when Clair was charged with vandalism a week before Christmas when she found out the married man she was seeing had no intention of leaving his wife for her, and she keyed and spray painted his car. Plus, why did her son, with supposedly a good job and a house, just up and move back with no explanation and remain unwilling to give one? And why is her unemployed daughter not applying where her uncle works, as they are hiring for entry level positions? Could it be because she knows she will fail the drug test?
This brings me to last weekend, when our cousin “Emily” and her husband were travelling near our area. They stayed the night at my house, so I invited my mom and other siblings, except for Clair (remember, no contact), over for supper. Yesterday, Clair found out about Emily’s visit and sent me a message demanding to know why she wasn’t made aware of Emily visiting and not being invited for supper. I mentioned her “break from the family” and she said “that’s not what I said,” so I sent her a screenshot of her message and said “I don’t know how to take it any other way except that you don’t want anything to do with the family.” Today she sent another message to the family saying she wants to be included in family things, but she and her family are “off limits for questions and conversations.”
Am I being unreasonable in thinking this requirement is ridiculous? In the past, she has had no issues in making my and my sibling’s families the topic of discussion, good or bad.
—Not Buying It
Dear Not Buying It,
’m going to tell you something that may surprise you: You are actually not required to ask questions about the most humiliating and painful things happening in a loved one’s life. There’s no rule that says their tragedies and struggles must be fodder for small talk. The loving thing to do would have been to wait for Clair to come to you to discuss her arrest, her son’s move, and her daughter’s employment status and/or drug use—and then to express empathy and support. Alternatively, if you really feel so judgmental of her and her family and their choices that that would be impossible, you shouldn’t have invited them for the holiday. Your sister is obviously hurt and I believe that’s what’s behind her mixed messages about needing space but also wanting to be included without being a topic of gossip. She really wants her family’s support and love, and she wants to feel safe and accepted with you. She communicated it ungracefully, but the underlying need is totally understandable. So now the question becomes: Do you want to meet the need?
It feels to me like you have a lot of animosity toward Clair and may not be in the mood to be generous. That’s fair, especially if the keying and spray painting the married man’s car incident is indicative of a pattern of destructive or out-of-control behavior. But just own it! “I can’t honor your request not to talk about you and your family, I’m reeling from you from your cutting us off after Christmas, and I am not going to be inviting you to anything for the foreseeable future because I need a break” is something you can say. But it’s not about what’s reasonable or unreasonable, fair or unfair. The decision should be based on whether you want to repair your relationship with your sister or to continue judging her from afar.
Link
A few days after Christmas, my oldest sister (“Clair”) sent a text message to me and my siblings (four of us total) saying “due to what happened on Christmas Day, I am taking a break from my family”—nothing more, no explanation, no response to us texting back “what happened?”. Christmas was at my house, and I could not think of anything bad that happened, and my other siblings were at a loss also. In talking to my mom a few days later, she mentioned that Clair was upset that we didn’t get her grandkids (ages 5 and 7), my grandnephews, anything for Christmas and that she and her family were topics of discussion and unwarranted questions were being asked about them and she didn’t like it. I can’t for the life of me imagine why.
Her son and his wife and kids moved back to the area three months ago and other than some baby gifts when they were newborns, no gifts have ever been given to them, so the expectation caught us completely off guard. As for being the topic of discussion and questions? How could we help ourselves when Clair was charged with vandalism a week before Christmas when she found out the married man she was seeing had no intention of leaving his wife for her, and she keyed and spray painted his car. Plus, why did her son, with supposedly a good job and a house, just up and move back with no explanation and remain unwilling to give one? And why is her unemployed daughter not applying where her uncle works, as they are hiring for entry level positions? Could it be because she knows she will fail the drug test?
This brings me to last weekend, when our cousin “Emily” and her husband were travelling near our area. They stayed the night at my house, so I invited my mom and other siblings, except for Clair (remember, no contact), over for supper. Yesterday, Clair found out about Emily’s visit and sent me a message demanding to know why she wasn’t made aware of Emily visiting and not being invited for supper. I mentioned her “break from the family” and she said “that’s not what I said,” so I sent her a screenshot of her message and said “I don’t know how to take it any other way except that you don’t want anything to do with the family.” Today she sent another message to the family saying she wants to be included in family things, but she and her family are “off limits for questions and conversations.”
Am I being unreasonable in thinking this requirement is ridiculous? In the past, she has had no issues in making my and my sibling’s families the topic of discussion, good or bad.
—Not Buying It
Dear Not Buying It,
’m going to tell you something that may surprise you: You are actually not required to ask questions about the most humiliating and painful things happening in a loved one’s life. There’s no rule that says their tragedies and struggles must be fodder for small talk. The loving thing to do would have been to wait for Clair to come to you to discuss her arrest, her son’s move, and her daughter’s employment status and/or drug use—and then to express empathy and support. Alternatively, if you really feel so judgmental of her and her family and their choices that that would be impossible, you shouldn’t have invited them for the holiday. Your sister is obviously hurt and I believe that’s what’s behind her mixed messages about needing space but also wanting to be included without being a topic of gossip. She really wants her family’s support and love, and she wants to feel safe and accepted with you. She communicated it ungracefully, but the underlying need is totally understandable. So now the question becomes: Do you want to meet the need?
It feels to me like you have a lot of animosity toward Clair and may not be in the mood to be generous. That’s fair, especially if the keying and spray painting the married man’s car incident is indicative of a pattern of destructive or out-of-control behavior. But just own it! “I can’t honor your request not to talk about you and your family, I’m reeling from you from your cutting us off after Christmas, and I am not going to be inviting you to anything for the foreseeable future because I need a break” is something you can say. But it’s not about what’s reasonable or unreasonable, fair or unfair. The decision should be based on whether you want to repair your relationship with your sister or to continue judging her from afar.
Link
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Oh, you fucking liar, LW. You absolute piece of trash liar.
And why is her unemployed daughter not applying where her uncle works, as they are hiring for entry level positions? Could it be because she knows she will fail the drug test?
I can answer this one, easy - who'd want to work with a family member if their family was composed of vultures? Besides, lots of places won't even consider you for a position if you have a relative working for them.
I don't know what's going on in Clair's life, but if this letter isn't fake I hope she gets whatever support she needs from people who actually care about her.
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