Dear Miss Manners: an extra ticket to a theatre production

[lilysea]

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend called me to say she and her husband “had an extra ticket” to a theater production that night (their daughter had canceled). Would I like to join them? We would go to dinner first and then proceed to the theater. The play was not one I would have chosen, but I readily said yes, as I had no plans and enjoy these friends very much.

The dinner bill came and of course I expected to pay my share. However, as the husband hovered over the bill, he mentioned that I should also add in the price of the theater ticket (his wife was nodding).

I was shocked and uncomfortable, as no mention had been made about me reimbursing them for the unused ticket. In my experience, an extra ticket is normally freely given at the last minute, or at the very least, the cost of said ticket should be mentioned upfront when “inviting” someone to take it. When I have been a recipient in the past, I have silently noted the generosity and found a suitable way to reciprocate later.

This ticket was expensive, but I readily paid the total amount. Frankly, I felt a bit used and did not entirely enjoy the rest of the evening. I am single and get by OK, while my friends are quite wealthy. Where did they, or I, go wrong from an etiquette standpoint?

GENTLE READER: If your friends expected you to pay, then, as you said, they should have mentioned it: “We have an extra ticket to sell. We thought we would offer it to you first.”

Since they did not do this, Miss Manners agrees that you were justified in feeling put out. To avoid this happening again, she recommends that the next time you are invited to a paid event without a mention of price, you could ask, “How much do I owe you?” in the hope that the issuers would demur politely. And if they did not, at least you would be prepared to demur politely yourself.

Comments

[cimorene]

Wow, holy shit.

[katarik]

Duuuuuuuuude. SUPER tacky. If you want to sell it, say THAT; gifts are GIFTS.

I would be totally 'put out' were I in the LW's shoes. I didn't budget to reimburse someone for a gift. TBH, if that had been me, I might have left at that point. Apologize for the misunderstanding, delightful dinner, but it's not in my budget to have last-minute expenses of that magnitude, so I hope you enjoy the show, perhaps there's a last-call line you can sell the ticket to, bye!

[neotoma]

Yeah, I'd interpret 'have an extra ticket' as an offer of a free ticket, unless they immediately followed with 'want to buy it?'

Definitely the thing for the LW to do from now on is assume that this couple will want money for any invitation to things that cost money if you had got it yourself, and ask upfront how much before agreeing. They can demur politely if that's not the case.

[cereta]

Seriously, woooooow.

[lunabee34]

That is really awful and would make me never want to have anything to do with those people again.

Several years ago, an acquaintance we saw weekly at a social gathering approached me and said, "We just started Amazon Prime, and we can put multiple people on it for free. Do you want to get on ours?" (this tells you how many several years ago because I'm pretty sure Amazon doesn't do that anymore)

I said, "Yes! Thank you!" We were on it for a year, and then when the year was up, it expired.

I found out later from mutual acquaintances that that whole year they talked about us behind our backs, saying we'd never paid them for being on their Amazon Prime and saying we were really shitty for having done that to them.

I was floored and really angry. If she had approached me and said, "We have a free spot on our Amazon Prime. Do you want to pay 20 bucks to be on it?" I'd have probably said yes and paid her. But she didn't do that. She offered it as a gift and then badmouthed me for not realizing that she'd wanted me to pay her for it.

We are no longer friendly with that couple because that's just beyond the pale in my book. It would be like if I invited people over for dinner and then handed them an itemized bill after we were done eating for everything I'd spent to make the meal.

So freaking tacky.

[jadelennox]

Yeah. I'd be so done with these friends, too. Both the LW's and yours.

[lunabee34]

Indeed.

Not surprisingly, that friendship ended for other bad behavior. I didn't even find out they'd been saying those things behind my back until much, much later.

[cereta]

Oh, my God, that is indeed super, super tacky, and I'd be dropping them, too.

[lunabee34]

*nods*

I was extremely surprised and taken aback.

[longmagpieroads]

Woooooow. No.

I would have gotten up and left for sure.