agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Eric: My husband has just one sibling, a brother. For many years, we all invited each other to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries and other holidays. A few years ago, my brother-in-law and his wife stopped inviting us. (They still invite my husband's parents to everything).

We don't know the reason; there was no fight or misunderstanding or awkward interactions. We in turn no longer invite them to our smaller occasions. Weddings and other big occasions are different; everyone is invited.

However, every time we are celebrating our birthdays or anniversary, my husband starts insisting on inviting his brother. No matter how many times I remind him that they no longer invite us, he says it is still his only sibling and it's important to him that his brother be there.

I refuse to agree to invite them, the only exception I make is for my husband's birthday because that's him we are celebrating so he can invite them if he wants. They attend his birthday but do not reciprocate. It's very weird.

I still cannot figure out why it's important to have people at our table that do not care about seeing us at theirs.

Can you help me formulate a response that would stop my husband from asking me to invite them? Apparently my saying no every time for years and explaining why is not sufficient. I am tired of these arguments, and it does not change anything. I need an ironclad reason that he will agree with.

– Tired of the One-Way Street

Dear Street: You and your husband are both operating from a place of hurt feelings, which is understandable. And you’re trying to find a way to balance the scales – a slight for a slight. But what you really want is to not be hurt at all. And so, trading slights is not going to get you there.

Ask the brother-in-law and his wife why they stopped inviting you and ask that they start again. They might agree, they might refuse, they might claim that you stopped inviting them first. There’s no way to know without a conversation.

No matter what, talking about it puts the focus where it should be: the misalliance between the households, rather than the conflict between you and your husband.

He’s not holding this position to spite you, and I don’t believe you’re holding your position to spite him either. But meeting his request with an unbudging “no” is only going to hurt the two of you.

The brother-in-law and his wife may be treating you unfairly, but there’s no reason you should let that unfairness poison the relationship between you and your husband. If he wants to invite his brother, even if the invites aren’t reciprocated, what is the harm?

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I don't know why LW is unilaterally in charge of all holiday guest lists, but I do know that this is stupid. If the only reason LW has for not inviting these people is "they stopped inviting us, but otherwise, we're all cordial with each other" then, yeah, they need to get off their high horse and start inviting this one couple to the parties again. It'll make Husband happy and, after all - those are his parties too.

Seriously, you FIGHT with your husband every year about the people he wants to invite to HIS BIRTHDAY? Please stop and take a look at yourself.

Right? And I get that it's annoying that they don't reciprocate, but ffs, just invite them to the Memorial Day barbecue or whatever. The mental relief of not quarreling with your husband about his brother will absolutely outweigh the stress of having to deal with those freeloaders.

Frankly I don't even get that it's annoying that they don't reciprocate. Lots of people want smaller gatherings or no gatherings--and I'd consider having my mom over for a piece of cake not a gathering.

Some people stay super-close with their siblings their whole lives, some get to a point where they're more focused on their own family unit, both are fine.

Agreed, it's a very weird hangup. But that said I'm not surprised that there are people out there thinking this way, just a little surprised that this thought pattern means her husband wanting his brother at his birthday party is somehow an unbearable attack on HER that has to be stopped.

YES!

This is not a hill to die on, Jeez.

I thought this L was going to be about 'must we really keep inviting them when they don't RSVP and don't come'! If they come when invited, and LW's DH wants them at his birthday, of course you should keep inviting them?

"During the wind-down of COVID lockdown, our relatives minimized the number of people they invited to get-togethers. We never asked them why and my husband doesn't seem to mind but I have been holding it against them ever since."

Also: inviting your inlaws over for your wedding anniversary? Is this something I have just missed learning about somehow?

Some people do use their wedding anniversary as an excuse to celebrate with others, but it certainly isn't some kind of standard, especially not for the ones that could in no way be argued to be "big round numbers." Frankly I think that the "big round number" parties are less common than they used to be too. My grandmother's photo albums were full of pictures of the parties they had for so-and-so's 25th or 40th or whatever anniversary, and I have been invited to precisely one in my adult life, and it was not for a peer.

Oh yeah, I've definitely been invited to 50th and 25th (and even a 75th once, which was pretty amazing) - I didn't think about that, thanks for pointing it out. Implying it had come up several times in the "past few years" made it sound like it was an every-year thing like a birthday which just struck me as odd.

The COVID question was in my mind, too. A lot of quiet shifts of people's inner circles happened because some relatives, friends, or coworkers could not be trusted not to spread disease.

The wedding anniversary thing is odd. I wonder how old these people all are.

Yeah. I would not be at all surprised to find out they were quietly disinvited from small get togethers because they knew they were unvaccinated/wouldn't agree to mask in the house, and would throw a fit if told that was why. (Or tbf, possibly because they *were* vaccinated.) And then by the time most people were loosening up, LW had her grudge going.

But I always look twice at letters that refer to "the past few years" and seem to have forgotten Covid entirely.