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Dear Prudence: "Abrupt Transition"
Q. Sudden transition: My off-and-on boyfriend told me he’s going to transition. He said he let his hair grow a bit long, and then just looked in the mirror and saw a woman. I don’t want to be insensitive to whatever he’s going through, but I don’t think this is a real trans case. The trans people I know say they felt trapped in the wrong body since at least adolescence. Should I express my concerns to him?
A: You should not tell your “on-and-off” partner that she is not really trans, no. Lots of trans people are acutely aware of their own dysphoria from an early age, but that’s not the case for everyone, and the “trapped in the wrong body” narrative is far from the only way to describe a transgender experience. If you’re interested in learning a bit more about the limitations of that particular narrative, this essay by Janet Mock is a good place to start.
Sometimes when a person is beginning to come out, they can’t immediately and perfectly find the words to distill an inchoate longing, desire, or identity, and whatever your erstwhile ex’s process has looked like, I can promise you her transition is not a mere whimsy of the moment that came after she looked at herself in the mirror and saw long hair. What she is trying to tell you is not, “I grew my hair out and thought it might be fun to transition in a world that is not kind to trans women,” but, “I saw something in myself, something I may not have understood well before or felt comfortable articulating; it was something meaningful and rooted in identity, presentation, and appearance. I saw myself in the mirror, and something was different, and something was consistent, and I want you to know about it.”
If nothing else, bear this in mind: Any trans person who has reached the point of telling their family and friends has absolutely asked themselves the question, “But am I really trans?” 1 million times over. This question has absolutely occurred to her, and she’s decided the answer is yes.
A: You should not tell your “on-and-off” partner that she is not really trans, no. Lots of trans people are acutely aware of their own dysphoria from an early age, but that’s not the case for everyone, and the “trapped in the wrong body” narrative is far from the only way to describe a transgender experience. If you’re interested in learning a bit more about the limitations of that particular narrative, this essay by Janet Mock is a good place to start.
Sometimes when a person is beginning to come out, they can’t immediately and perfectly find the words to distill an inchoate longing, desire, or identity, and whatever your erstwhile ex’s process has looked like, I can promise you her transition is not a mere whimsy of the moment that came after she looked at herself in the mirror and saw long hair. What she is trying to tell you is not, “I grew my hair out and thought it might be fun to transition in a world that is not kind to trans women,” but, “I saw something in myself, something I may not have understood well before or felt comfortable articulating; it was something meaningful and rooted in identity, presentation, and appearance. I saw myself in the mirror, and something was different, and something was consistent, and I want you to know about it.”
If nothing else, bear this in mind: Any trans person who has reached the point of telling their family and friends has absolutely asked themselves the question, “But am I really trans?” 1 million times over. This question has absolutely occurred to her, and she’s decided the answer is yes.
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Did I say "amuse". I meant "horrify"?
Thank goodness for Mallory Ortberg.
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