agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,

When she was 8, we adopted “Alina.” She was the daughter of a close friend, and lost both her parents in an extra painful way. Understandably, she was in a lot of pain the first few years and needed extra parental support. But she worked hard in therapy, and we supported her, and at 15, she’s doing well. The problem is more with our other kids, her siblings. They love each other, but they are all convinced she needs extra care and protection all the time, when actually she’s ready to grow. She’s been pushing back at it, but I think it’s time for us to step in as parents. She says she needs room to mess up and have her own social life, and I think that’s fair.

A classmate asks Alina to the fall dance, and she accepts? Her 14-year-old brother steps in and tells him it will be a double date with him and his girlfriend. Alina dies of embarrassment. Our teens are going to swim at the public pool? Without Alina, they just go together. With Alina, her 16-year-old sister announces they must have an adult. This type of stuff seems to have ramped up since she started high school, and I don’t know how to dial it down. I’m glad her siblings love and support her, but they shouldn’t be taking on this extra role, and she’s also asked them to stop so she can learn on her own. We absolutely do not want to set up a weird dynamic between our kids, but it feels like it’s already started. I love that they look out for each other, but it needs to be appropriate. My husband and I had multiple conversations with the kids about this, but it only stops them from doing concrete examples we mention, not the overall behavior.

—Give Her Space

Dear Give Her Space,

I agree that while your other kids may have great intentions in how they treat Alina—protective siblings are loving!—they are inadvertently causing more harm than good. No one likes to be othered, especially when they already have painful past experiences serving as a constant reminder of their differences.

You’re right. It’s definitely time for you and your spouse to step in as parents and get her siblings to see that Alina needs the same freedoms and room to grow that they have had. Frame the conversations (I know you’ve already had several, but you’ll have to keep at it until you get through to them) in that way, comparing all of the normal teen activities that they get to do to their expectations of what Alina should be doing. They might not realize that they’re doing it—or why they should stop.

If they still believe that Alina needs this kind of guidance that they don’t, ask them why. Are they fearful that people will take advantage of her? Do they think she doesn’t have the tools needed not to make missteps? Assure them that Alina has been with your family through her formative preteen and teen years and has had the exact same lessons they’ve had. Push back on any notion that she’s too fragile to handle what they can. Express that just how you and your spouse trust them (even when it might be a little scary), they have to do the same.

While you’re trying to get through to your other kids, also help Alina find people and spaces that are her own—with no siblings around! This could take the form of a school group that has practices and closed meetings. (No coach or advisor will let other students come in and interrupt a practice.) Or Alina could take up a hobby or activity that’s totally outside of school. When her siblings aren’t physically there to be a boundary, she’ll naturally build up her own confidence and will not only have a little more freedom, but will likely push back when she’s with them, too.

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Alina had tons of therapy, but did her adopted siblings also get therapy? Because suddenly having a new non-baby sister who went through a traumatic experience and lost her first parents is the sort of thing many children should see a therapist about.

And if they haven't, well, it's not too late for family therapy now.

We absolutely do not want to set up a weird dynamic between our kids, but it feels like it’s already started.

Oh, gosh yes, and it didn't start recently either. LW and Husband should've been more on the ball to see this happening and stop it years ago. But at least they see it now.

Yeah, that was my first thought. They aren't acting like kids who have recently had effective therapy and understand what's going on, if they are still acting like this after attempted parental interventions! Unless the parents gave the absolutely most useless talk ever, that is.

I would be unsurprised if the talks were phrased as "you don't need to X" rather than "stop doing X", honestly.

These people definitely have issues but the parents realize it and the kids are being overprotective rather than cruel. I love them all and wish them well.

That's just what I thought.

I wonder, while LW and spouse focused on meeting Alina's significant and complex needs, if they paid the siblings enough parental attention for them to thrive. Or, were the sibs kind of left to fend for themselves emotionally. This is not uncommon in families where one child has significant and complex needs relative to their sibs.

I know, from lived experience, that this situation tends to go one of two ways: the sibs act out in negative ways; or they act out in positive ways. In both cases the goal is to attract parental attention. The benefit of acting in positive ways (don't cause trouble for mom and dad, help them out as much as you can, make them proud of you) is praise and approval. But at heart it's a coping mechanism.

I love that they look out for each other, but it needs to be appropriate. My husband and I had multiple conversations with the kids about this, but it only stops them from doing concrete examples we mention, not the overall behavior. (emphasis mine)

All 3 are in high school, which is a tough situation to negotiate at the best of times. Imho it makes sense their overprotectiveness has ramped up. But LW is asking them to stop their (positive) coping behaviour at the worst time. These siblings need therapy asap to unpack their complicated feelings about the whole situation. LW and spouse should do so as well, to realize what's actually going on.

> My husband and I had multiple conversations with the kids about this, but it only stops them from doing concrete examples we mention, not the overall behaviour.

This feels like it got buried. They *did* say so and it didn't work. Someone's suggestion that the parents said "you don't need to" instead of "please stop" sounded a likely mistake.

> help Alina find people and spaces that are her own—with no siblings around!

This seems worthwhile. And if Alina builds up her confidence further elsewhere, it might also contribute to sibs jumping in less.