agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have twin sons who are in college at different schools. They are good kids but a bit young for their age. I don't think either of them has ever dated. I have always taught them that they should have enough money to take a woman out on a date, and right now they aren't working. I offered to give them some cash to help them in case they do want to take someone on a date, but so far neither has taken me up on it. Have I done something wrong as a mother? Why are they so delayed? -- Arrested Development

DEAR ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT: Everyone matures at their own pace. There is nothing you can do to quicken it, nor should you try. Give your sons space to get their education and build their lives. You can encourage them to meet people and make friends, but there's no reason to push them into anyone's arms until they are ready. If they seem content in their lives, let them be. Keep the conversation open so that you learn if there is someone interesting to either of them. Trust that in time someone special may come along.

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So, the other day I got on the bus, and this young woman with a strong accent was deep into an impassioned rant on the subject of how the reason she does not intend to go back home on a visit to Jamaica is because some people have no lives on their own and when their kids grow up they will not stay out of their kids' business and are, in her words, "just creepy". She was already in the middle when I got on the bus, and she was no nearer to the end when I got off the bus.

This anecdote has nothing to do with anything, I suppose, but for some reason I was reminded of the incident when I read this letter.

YES MY COUSIN
ahahahhahahhahhahha

Indeed, I thought of you when I heard her! I said "I know somebody who'll get a kick out of this...."

OMG do not push this. Lighten up already. THEY ARE NOT DELAYED. I hope they are hundreds of miles from mom.

I'm not sure if it's a sign of advanced ethics, or a delay in sophistication, that neither of them has said, "Thanks mom! It's so thoughtful of you to give me money in case I want to take someone out on a date." And then used the money to buy pizza for whatever friends they were hanging out with anyhow.

Edited 2025-12-07 20:24 (UTC)

Because she'll ask for all the details. Incessantly.

I imagine that whether dating or not, denying they are is the easiest answer.

You know, it's entirely possible that they DID say something like this but because mom didn't get the exact desired outcome she is still puzzled and alarmed.

But I gotta say this mom sounds like the kind of mom that a son in college would absolutely say as little as possible to.

Ugh. My mother used to offer me money to go get my hair cut. I didn't take her up on it either. That was one of her smaller attempts at controlling my life. I hope these young men keep their boundaries up. And that the mom backs TF off.

I dated a guy who didn't like that I was letting my hair grey naturally (I stopped dyeing it a couple years before we met and this conversation was happening when I was 37 and we had known each other for 9 months), told me he would pay for the first two appointments to get it dyed if I paid for the two after that. I was like uhhhh no, I like my hair the way it is. He told me I would probably look like I was 25 or 26 if I didn't have any grey in my hair; "I don't WANT to look ten years younger than I am, I want to look my age."

Let me guess, he didn't stay around much longer.

Oh no, we continued being kind of on and off for another four months until I realized that he was just stringing me along while looking for someone hot to have a relationship with. He liked my company, liked talking to me and spending time together, would call me and spend hours on the phone with me...just didn't want to be seen with me in public.

Ooof.

My taste in men is why I decided to be a single mom instead of continuing to try to find a partner 😅

I don't know why but this letter feels like it has strong how do I confirm my sons aren't gay? vibes. Why is it so important they date now (and women, specifically)? Maybe I'm overreading but it does seem creepy that she's trying to impose some sort of romantic life on each of them.

I agree, this is not only nosy/interfering, there is a very clear element of fear on her part, and I suspect that it’s about queerness.

so I had a similar but different thought: I wonder if mom wants OMFG GRANDCHILDREN ASAP AS IT IS MY BIRTHRIGHT

either way, she clearly needs to just butt the fuck out.

I feel like "trust that in time someone special may come along" is the sort of advice that this LW is going to take as meaning "wait 4-6 weeks and then panic again."

Also they are literally college students in 2025. Even in 1997 college dates did not always involve paying for anything and certainly did not always involve an AMAB person paying for everything.

Yeah, I probably told my mother more than most people do about who I was dating, and I am pretty sure she never heard word one about several of them except possibly as "my friend so-and-so."

For that matter, I don't know a lot of my kids' friends' names. When they start an anecdote with "A buddy of mine..." I don't immediately ask their name, where they live, what their parents do, etc. One of my kids has housemates whose names I don't know. (I have been introduced to a couple of them and promptly forgot their names, and anyhow there's been turnover since.)

Does LW have any idea what some parents would give for kids who’d rather study than go out dating?

This mom is assuming that because she’s not hearing about it, that means her kids aren’t dating. It’s entirely possible that they’re just not telling her shit because they know she’ll be obnoxious about it.

Soooo many options here. They are, in fact, not ready to date yet, which is not actually a problem. Or they're in principle ready but haven't met the right person yet. They are gay. They are ace or a-spec. They are enjoying the kind of dates where the only cost is condoms. They are in a relationship with a friend, and skipped the whole taking a stranger out for a meal style of dating (personally I've had a very happy romantic life since I was 19 and I have never once gone On A Date with a stranger.) They are in fact dating in ways their parent would approve of but they are hardly going to admit that such a busybody parent was right all along. They are dating a findom who gets off on paying for all their dates. They are in a normal, average 21^st century het relationship where people split the cost.

right, this is a great summation of possible reasons. Gonna affirm that 'going on a formal date where the dude pays' was already not a thing when I was a Youth in the 90s, it is super high-pressure and also super patriarchal gender-normative.