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Dear Care and Feeding,
My sister openly doesn’t like me (and has said so publicly and directly), though we manage well enough for family events. I get along with my brother and his wife, but they are horrible at communication and interact with my sister more frequently. My dad gets along with all of us and is good at communication, but lives in denial of all weird family dynamics.
Around every holiday season or major family function, I get left out of crucial information regarding plans, transportation, emergency changes, etc. One consistent hurdle: Brother or Dad tells Sister something and assumes she will pass it on to me, and she doesn’t. I have explicitly told them both to stop doing this, and they just forget, leaving me scrambling when they ask why I haven’t RSVP’d/contributed to a group gift/etc. On the flip side, neither of my siblings is particularly good about getting back to me when I reach out to them, so asking directly doesn’t help either. (Brother and his wife are notoriously bad at responses with everyone, so it’s not personal, just frustrating.) One workaround I’ve discovered is to ask Dad to reach out on my behalf, because that guarantees an actual response, but it’s irritating that I have to resort to that to get basic information like, “What time do you expect me to arrive at your house?” Is there anything I can do to make this easier?
—It’s Mean Girls Meets Finding Dory
Dear It’s Mean Girls Meets Finding Dory,
This is such a tough dynamic, and one that I’m sure is extremely difficult to manage. I’m glad that you have your dad to help, but you can’t keep doing a game of telephone every time you want just basic information.
To keep track of the logistics, I suggest you start a group text thread. You don’t have to use it for anything other than logistics, and it does three things. First, it puts all of the need-to-know information together in one place instead of in several separate text messages. So if your sister texts your brother, his wife, or your dad, you’ll see it (that is, if they use it—and you can, at the very least, strongly encourage your dad to lead by example). Secondly, your dad is in the loop, so the conversation will likely remain civil, and people will be more likely to respond to you there rather than if you texted them separately. And lastly, your forgetful brother and sister-in-law might be able to better respond to messages because if they go to the thread to say something new, they’ll see your last request and be reminded to reply.
This doesn’t have to be used for everyday conversation. You don’t have to be in there talking about daily life or sharing memes. But, logistically, make the argument that it’ll help everyone and not just you: one text message versus three, quicker responses, and no one left out. Also, get your dad on your side about it first. Maybe even ask him to start the group chat since no one will tell him no. Luckily, you have some support, and leaning into that with a little tech help can hopefully make all the difference.
Link
My sister openly doesn’t like me (and has said so publicly and directly), though we manage well enough for family events. I get along with my brother and his wife, but they are horrible at communication and interact with my sister more frequently. My dad gets along with all of us and is good at communication, but lives in denial of all weird family dynamics.
Around every holiday season or major family function, I get left out of crucial information regarding plans, transportation, emergency changes, etc. One consistent hurdle: Brother or Dad tells Sister something and assumes she will pass it on to me, and she doesn’t. I have explicitly told them both to stop doing this, and they just forget, leaving me scrambling when they ask why I haven’t RSVP’d/contributed to a group gift/etc. On the flip side, neither of my siblings is particularly good about getting back to me when I reach out to them, so asking directly doesn’t help either. (Brother and his wife are notoriously bad at responses with everyone, so it’s not personal, just frustrating.) One workaround I’ve discovered is to ask Dad to reach out on my behalf, because that guarantees an actual response, but it’s irritating that I have to resort to that to get basic information like, “What time do you expect me to arrive at your house?” Is there anything I can do to make this easier?
—It’s Mean Girls Meets Finding Dory
Dear It’s Mean Girls Meets Finding Dory,
This is such a tough dynamic, and one that I’m sure is extremely difficult to manage. I’m glad that you have your dad to help, but you can’t keep doing a game of telephone every time you want just basic information.
To keep track of the logistics, I suggest you start a group text thread. You don’t have to use it for anything other than logistics, and it does three things. First, it puts all of the need-to-know information together in one place instead of in several separate text messages. So if your sister texts your brother, his wife, or your dad, you’ll see it (that is, if they use it—and you can, at the very least, strongly encourage your dad to lead by example). Secondly, your dad is in the loop, so the conversation will likely remain civil, and people will be more likely to respond to you there rather than if you texted them separately. And lastly, your forgetful brother and sister-in-law might be able to better respond to messages because if they go to the thread to say something new, they’ll see your last request and be reminded to reply.
This doesn’t have to be used for everyday conversation. You don’t have to be in there talking about daily life or sharing memes. But, logistically, make the argument that it’ll help everyone and not just you: one text message versus three, quicker responses, and no one left out. Also, get your dad on your side about it first. Maybe even ask him to start the group chat since no one will tell him no. Luckily, you have some support, and leaning into that with a little tech help can hopefully make all the difference.
Link
no subject
The group text is an idea, but here's a better one: Stop "scrambling" to accede to their demands when they didn't bother to loop you in. "If you wanted me to come to the party, or contribute to the gift, or do anything, then you should've asked me directly. I can't do it now, I have plans."
Maybe it's not personal, maybe it is "just frustrating", but LW, in this rare instance I think you'd do better if you treated it like it was personal.
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That is not a solution.
If she can keep going through dad, great. It's not a problem that can be solved easily or with one fix, IMHO.
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I'm so sorry, LW, but both your siblings are horrible people. If they can't communicate with you like reasonable adults, that's their problem, not yours. Don't play their game. Leave them on the hook for the stuff they "forget" to tell you. Unfortunately it will probably mean estrangement from them, but this failure to communicate on their part happens too often to be just "forgetful."
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