Four letters to Carolyn, with no particular theme

[conuly]

1. Dear Carolyn: My fiancé and I got engaged on Jan. 1, 2024 — so, almost two years ago — and then my sister and her fiancé got engaged this past summer. For a whole host of reasons, my fiancé and I have not gotten far at all in the wedding planning, but my sister and hers set a date and booked a venue pretty quickly — for the first weekend in July.

Recently, my fiancé sighted a local, family-owned venue and has started saying he wants to get married there in mid-June, around our anniversary and after school lets out because there are kids in our families we want to be there. If we did that, then it would be back-to-back weddings, which I — I cannot stress this enough — do NOT think is a great idea.
My sister and I have very overlapping guest lists, for one thing. Plus, I will be in her wedding (and hopefully she in mine), and I think we would each like to be able to focus on that without worrying about the details of another big event around the same time. Also, we are from a close family, and it just feels like squeezing too much juice out of one summer. Our mom is not super healthy, and I know she wants to be there for both of us.

I would strongly prefer to postpone our wedding until perhaps next spring, and honestly since we (especially my fiancé) have dragged our feet this much so far, there doesn’t feel like much of a hurry anymore. My fiancé is upset by this and says it feels like I’m letting my sister delay our marriage. Am I being obtuse by thinking we should get married a few months later than he wants to? We have been together for almost eight years, if it matters!
— Sister

Sister: When waiting eight years to get married, two of them in earnest, suddenly became your fault via your sister, and your response wasn’t an immediate deadpan “Really?,” that was two indicator lights on your dashboard.
The first says his denial is in the red. Whoo. It’s not you, it’s not your sister, it’s not the venue/kids/anniversary/who owns what. K? For whatever reason, your fiancé was on track to be your fiancé indefinitely — but then the other couple squared up and kicked him right in the inertia.

Okay, then, whatever it takes, right? Clearly, you’re no fairy-tale purist — a good thing not to be, since all of us have our frailties. It is a problem, though, when one of the frailties you’re engaged to is an unwillingness to own his own stuff and its consequences.

All your fiancé had to express, when you brought up the date conflict (maybe, maybe with a chuckle about the sudden all-fired hurry he’s in? a cocked eyebrow? a Mona Lisa?) was disappointment plus something in the we-snooze-we-lose cliché family. Not even a full “my bad!”

Instead, he’s blaming you, when his being the primary footdragger says your various delays trace largely to something he’s wrestling with himself. So he’s not merely not facing his stuff — or undertaking any self-improvement work on it, obviously — but making you carry it? That’s a warning light you don’t try to drive around with — you take it to the shop.

Which brings us to the second light: that you didn’t react to the first one. He basically pointed and said, “Look over there!” and you did. Meaning, you’re still talking in terms of the validity of your reasons to postpone, da di da, and not the fact that he blamed you. I suspect this is no maiden voyage for either of you on this route. Years make patterns.

So I am not going to call anyone obtuse. I am also not going to talk about wedding dates. I am going to urge you to look right at this: at what he’s denying-avoiding-deflecting, at his unbothered blame-shifting on you and your ready acquiescence to it. Whatever it is, facing it together with strength, love, patience and humility now is so much better than letting it come find you later. And it will find you — something I cannot stress enough.

Link one

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2. Dear Carolyn: How do you navigate co-parenting a teen who is wicked smart but seemingly without motivation? My 17-year-old junior signed up for four AP classes this year, even after a good conversation about the amount of work they are and his not-great track record of turning in schoolwork. He thought he could handle it.

Here we are at the second quarter, and lo and behold, he’s struggling to keep up. I’m not in I-told-you-so mode, I promise! I am trying to be collaborative, asking how we can handle things here at my house to make it easier for him to focus (should probably mention ADHD). Those conversations always feel productive in terms of treating each other with respect, but … less effective at actually getting work done.

I am solidly of the opinion that, within reason, he should reap both the rewards AND the consequences of his decisions, and if an F is the consequence of not doing the work, well. His dad is much more aggressive at his house, and frequently my son comes back to me after a row with his dad over his lackluster performance.

Dad and I manage decently well at co-parenting except for this one area. I feel like Dad is worried more how all this reflects on HIM and not as interested in who his child really is. I can relate to my kid’s struggles, having had similar problems — and also possibly being neurodivergent, too — but Dad thinks if he just lectures enough, it will finally sink in.

My son can completely articulate what will happen if he fails a class and what will happen to his college and job prospects if his GPA tanks. What’s the point of repeating it ad nauseam? I am also trying to be a safe place, but his dad thinks I’m doing absolutely nothing. I’m fine telling Dad to stuff it about the “nothing” I’m doing, because I’ve been advocating hard for my kid since kindergarten — but any thoughts on navigating this? I use what few levers I have to encourage getting the work done, but he’s 17, and I can’t exactly tie him to a chair.
— Co-Parent of an Unmotivated Teen

Co-Parent of an Unmotivated Teen: It’s clear you love your kid, want the best for him, believe in him and are trying to be the best parent for him. But, “(should probably mention ADHD)”? I don’t know that you can write something that screams ADHD overwhelm, blame it on him for being “unmotivated,” then claim you can relate.

A bright junior lobbying for four APs is plenty motivated. What he is not, unless you omitted a huge chunk of information, is adequately supported for his learning needs (which could bear no resemblance to yours, even if you’re both neurodivergent). It’s the 2E double bind. His mind needs the AP content but gets swamped by the executive function demands. Drop him down from AP and he’ll manage the workload, but his mind will languish. Gifted and ADHD mean “twice exceptional” — that’s the 2E.

Your measured tones about consequences are probably easier on your son than fights with Dad over “lackluster performance,” yikes — but if that’s all the collaboration he gets, then that’s the equivalent of telling a patient he really needs his fever to drop if he expects to feel better! (Then blaming each other’s phrasing as the problem.)
You’re his advocate, so I know you know he has a legitimate neurological condition. But what seems not to have thwumped into place — and is commonly missed at this stage — is the harsh reality of the adult workload.

So many 2E kids are nimble-minded enough, and grade-school curricula basic enough, that winging it around the obstacles works. That, or the net cost is low for zone-outs or burning two hours on a worksheet. But drop four APs on the grid, and suddenly the patches and duct tape can’t hold.

A kid in executive function distress is hard to distinguish from an unmotivated kid not turning stuff in. The latter is the one not begging to take APs. Please give your son the gift of trusting his motivation, that’s the first thing.
Second, secure all relevant support. If you’re dutifully at your desk rereading a paragraph for the nth time, clarity on killing your own chances at ever having a job is not helpful. An executive function coach, though, might be. Tutors. Workload and other accommodations (start with his school). Does he have a separate clinician for the ADHD? A therapist, too? Students with ADHD hit walls of frustration daily, watch dimmer kids outshine them, are stressed to the bejeezus and back by their late assignments, know exactly how worried their parents are about how their performance reflects on them, struggle with shame almost more than with focus — and are vulnerable to comorbid anxiety and depression.

Are these interventions and supports perfect, no. But they beat “He can completely articulate the mortality rates of fever.” And demonstrating to him that you get it is a confidence-accelerant wrapped in relief. So I’d call not blaming him anymore the ultimate not-“nothing.” Right. Co-parenting. You meet with a therapist, an expert on 2E adolescence. Get a personalized rewrite of the above. Bring your ex in to attempt same-paging. Hug your kid hard, if he says it’s okay.

Link two

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3. Dear Carolyn: I have always found the holidays to be a massive pain in the neck, and I have little interest in participating. This is not a new thing; I’m 30, and I’ve always felt that way. Like Scrooge, I’ve always been happy to let others keep Christmas in their way and for me to not keep it in mine.

Two years ago, I was married. Our engagement happened over a Christmas season, so my wife was well aware before she married me that I’m not the Christmas type.

Well, you guessed it, she is insistent that I help pick out and decorate a tree, put up Christmas decorations, attend holiday events, and buy a bunch of Christmas gifts. I’ve told her point-blank that I will not do it. I’ve told her SHE is welcome to buy and decorate as many trees as she wants, but I’m not helping with it. This has led to a couple of arguments, tears and claims that I’m selfish. She’s not speaking to me after I told her yesterday that I wasn’t planning to be home for the big party she’s planning to throw.

To me, Christmas is like religion: Practice it if you want, but don’t nag other people to practice it with you, and don’t try to change people who are (or were) happy with their lives as they are. So who’s right here?
— Scrooge

Scrooge: I guessed it! No, I didn’t. Got carried away. Way to go to the mat for your principles, though. You’ll no-show the party your wife is planning? Gonna TP the house, too? Your campaign against Christmas pains me for a few reasons — but mostly because I would have been a gleeful natural ally if you’d just stuck to Christmas.

But you went so hard, you charged right past Santa and now you’re fighting your wife, and your young marriage — and parties. At this point, “For what?” has become a fair question. Either I’m missing the white-hot intensity implied by “not the Christmas type,” or we’re beyond that, too, and chasing the empty calories of being Right.

Is your wife the innocent here? No way. Her adamance, accusations and tears are as overwrought as Christmas itself, and almost as far from the point. Plus, there’s the fact of her party you never agreed to co-host, oh my, then a silent treatment, which is an emotionally abusive tactic.

While I can speak only to the person who asked me, as always, the fact that you’re both taking gifts and decorations to battle stations makes this a marriage answer (strictly eggnog-agnostic):

Listening means you two have a chance; if you’re only talking, then you don’t. Trying to communicate and negotiate means you have a chance; if you’re trying to score points, then you don’t. Trying to make each other happy without cutting into who you are means you have a chance; if you’re thinking only of what you want, then you don’t … and why, come to think of it, is either of you life-partnered with anyone, if only your experience and feelings count?

An example of how it all might apply here: You two agree to talk for real — no trees, just forest, no fighting. Tell her you thought you had been clear about who you are (pre-redemption Scrooge, by the way) — and that’s why, when she cry-bombs you, you feel resentful, manipulated, whatever. Maybe even admit that you dig harder into your “no” than you might have before. Not a mature reaction, but if you’re doing it, then own it. In general, be honest beyond the “She knew, so I’m off the hook!” point.

Then, her turn. Your turn to l i s t e n. Then remember you just married each other. Say it out loud, even.

Then get at what this is really about. Big picture. I know, I know, she’s all in, you’re all ugh, I do hear you. But — you both signed up for each other’s happiness by marrying, so your religion analogy fails. I mean: How far are both of you willing to go? Why?

Meanwhile, think small picture, too. You’d agree to a party in … April, right? So why refuse to have or attend this one, just because it’s now? Explain why you’re prepared to be this cussed about it, to your loved person, even as you apparently intend to deny her everything else. Because it’s your “style.”

Again — for example. The job for each of you in a conflict (though, by necessity, I’m still addressing only you) is to look for ways to yield that would bring your partner joy/relief, but wouldn’t come at too steep a cost for you to share in the joy/relief yourself. That’s the difference between thriving and resentment in your partnership.

If yielding is not physically/morally/constitutionally possible, or you’re simply unwilling — then you calmly live out what you swear she knew she signed up for, to the letter, including consequences. Because that’s what being “right” in any such argument looks like. No A-pluses, no prizes, just this: doing what you think is right, at the price you’re prepared to pay.

Link three

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4. Dear Carolyn: Two years ago, my in-laws asked me and my husband if we wanted them to help us buy a house. They had asked before and we said no, but at this point we were ready to start building community roots, so we said yes please. With their help, we bought a house we love(d), a cozy four-bedroom house in a progressive suburb.

On a visit a few months later, my mother-in-law tutted over the two bedrooms we turned into our offices, commenting that “it will be hard to repurpose these for babies when it’s time.” At no point have we ever indicated that we plan to have children, and in fact we do not plan to, which we had to tell her then.

Carolyn, she was so upset that it was shocking. Though my father-in-law helped defuse, she bawled violently at this news and informed us that she felt like she had bought us a house under false pretenses. She eventually collected herself but was subdued for the rest of the planned visit, another day and a half.

It has been about 18 months since then, and our relationship is now chilly. I feel uncomfortable inviting them to our home because now I feel like they think we don’t deserve it. I find it hurtful to know they wanted us to have a nice house not so that we could enjoy our own lives, but to enrich their grandchildren. And at some level, I feel like we stole from them, even though it’s ridiculous.

Every week, I tell my husband I think we should sell the house, give them some of the proceeds and go back to apartment living. He says I’m nuts and to ignore his mom’s dramatics. But did we do something wrong here?
— Hurt

Hurt: Oh, hell no. Your mother-in-law is entirely in the wrong. So wrong that mother-in-law jokes asked not to be associated with this column for fear of damaging their reputation. She had no business attaching secret strings to her gift and then flipping her swizzle when you somehow didn’t divine and fulfill these secret intentions.

But going to (cold) war over it is just beyond — since his parents are now into their second year of effectively losing their son and his wife to their sense of entitlement to grandchild(ren). What the what. Trust your husband and love your house. Appointing well is the best revenge, don’t they say. And if you can’t love your house on these terms, then, well … I can’t seem to emphasize enough how much you’re internalizing your in-laws’ issue.

I do understand the ick of thinking that to her/them, you are valuable enough to deserve a house only as breeders of grandchildren. But that is, again, so disordered a reason to help a couple buy real estate that it’s decidedly their problem. There’s no evidence I can discern that if you were a “better” person, your in-laws would be less whacked. And I say this as someone who has nothing against the whole institution of grandpeople! When it’s in the cards, and when no one’s losing one’s mind, it can be the peak of loveliness.

But okay. If you’ve tried everything (else) to un-haunt your house and simply can’t, then at least consider paying your in-laws back in installments vs. uprooting from a place you love and were fully entitled to inhabit on the terms you were offered. I.e., keep the house, snip away at the creepy strings.

Re: Hurt: Obviously, the mother-in-law was way out of line, but a couple buying a four-bedroom house does sort of give the expectation that grandchildren will be forthcoming.
— Anonymous

Anonymous: No. Not even sort of. Stop.
Other readers’ thoughts:

· OMG, your mother-in-law is so far out of line, she’s not even in sight of the ballpark. Ignore her histrionics and go on about your life.

· Whoo, boy. What a piece of work! Sorry they did this. This was manipulative of them, as well as a bait-and-switch, and unkind. You’re feeling hurt because they did something hurtful: offering a gift and then retroactively attaching strings and a heavy emotional, long-term penalty to it.

I would try to make this a “your family, you manage it” situation with your husband. Any follow-up should come from him. You owe them nothing, including money.

Link four

Comments

[conuly]

1. What neither Carolyn nor LW point out is that if LW has her wedding so close on the heels of Sister's wedding, unless Sister is all-in on this plan - and maybe even if she is! - people are gonna talk. And what they'll say isn't "Wow, Fiance sure took his sweet time tying the knot", it's gonna be "Look at LW, can't stand to let her sister have the spotlight, what a bridezilla".

Mostly because people suck, and we're all swimming in this misogynistic cesspit of a society together, but also because at least half of that is what it'll look like.

2. Seriously, what does Kid want to do? And what *are* their accommodations like?

3. This dude needs to team up with Mr. No Tooth Fairy. Seriously, what the hell is his deal? If he's got some deep-seated Christmassy trauma then he needs to tell us in the letter that his issues are more than simple petulance.

Most of us are willing to spend a little time doing something boring if it's with somebody we love, but apparently not him.

4. Okay, I fully believe that there are people out there who will buy a house for their kids with the idea that all those bedrooms are an incentive to babymaking.

What I'm struggling with is this - was LW really blindsided by this? Because that suggests this is the first time the Inlaws mentioned their unreasonable desire for grandbabies, and also that it's the first time they've thrown a tantrum at having their petty desires thwarted, and honestly, that suggests some remarkable prior self-control for people like that.

I mean, if that's the situation, okay - but I kinda wonder if LW willfully chose not to see the signs earlier. (Not that it makes MIL's behavior even remotely acceptable!)

[green_grrl]

4. MIL upset and bawling says to me that she had this whole internal picture of married - house - babies in her head that she didn’t even verbalize because it was so obvious to her that this is what the future was. Pairs that with stories in the news about people waiting to have kids because they can’t afford it, and she goes immediately to house. House happens and still no kids … just offices … and she’s suddenly faced with her “obvious” future only being her fantasy.

[topaz_eyes]

Re LW#1: There are valid reasons to delay an engagement or marriage for a few years (eg finishing a degree), but these don't appear to apply here. It would be useful to know what fiance's parents' marriage was/is like, or if fiance's parents ever married. Growing up in an unhappy marriage can negatively affect a person's attitude about getting married themselves.

Re LW#4: I think Anon actually is correct about saying a couple buying a four-bedroom house does sort of give the expectation that grandchildren will be forthcoming. It's a gross and icky and wrong assumption, but never underestimate a determined in-law who wants to be a grandparent above everything else. The first time the in-laws offered to help finance a house, LW and husband said 'no." The in-laws may have figured LW and husband just weren't ready to start a family yet. I think LW and husband should have been firm the first time they said no, that having kids was always going to be off the table.

[mrissa]

I don't know, the first coherent question out of my MIL's mouth when we announced our engagement was, "When are you having kids???" and I still would not have assumed that any gifts they gave us were predicated on having kids. It's a little different situation--we did want kids and did not turn out to be able to have them--but if LW's MIL didn't describe their offer of help as "buy a house for our future grandchildren" or get misty-eyed about how they just wanted their grandchildren to come home to their real home rather than a temporary one or any of those things, I feel like jumping to "no thank you on the house offer, and incidentally also we don't plan to have kids" would have been conversationally weird and disjointed.

MIL is responsible for her own assumptions. There are other bad assumptions she could have made--that a larger house was for the sake of LW and Husband having MIL and FIL move in down the line, for example! LW can't anticipate and head off all of them in order to deflect this kind of behavior.

[topaz_eyes]

The "American dream" of owning a house with a white picket fence, a spouse, 2 kids, and a dog, still persists today, at least in some subsets of the population. (eg conservative, middle-class). A main reason why couples are delaying/avoiding having kids these days is, they can't afford to buy the house. I think it was a expected (if totally wrong and gross) assumption for MIL to make: if we help you buy your dream home, then you will give us grandkids.

I feel like jumping to "no thank you on the house offer, and incidentally also we don't plan to have kids" would have been conversationally weird and disjointed.

It would have nipped this very problem in the bud. Why did the in-laws offer to help pay for a house the first time? That question and its implications (ie expectations of grandkids) should have been discussed then. Now, LW can't enjoy her dream home because she feels like she reneged on her part of the deal, even though she most certainly did not.

While Carolyn's suggestion of "keep the house, pay the in-laws back" is good, I don't think LW is emotionally in a place to do that. I think LW needs to address her feelings with a therapist.

[green_grrl]

The thing is, it doesn’t sound like MIL never even said “grandkids” out loud. Otherwise none of this would be such a shock to anyone involved.

[topaz_eyes]

it doesn’t sound like MIL never even said “grandkids” out loud.

In some subsets of the population, I think it's almost automatically assumed.

[raven]

"not celebrating Christmas" is a reasonable thing to want, and I love how Carolyn cannot conceive of any reason - any obvious, straightforward reason! - why one might want it.

[pauraque]

Did you also enjoy LW trying to explain how to them Christmas is "like religion"? You might almost say it is literally exactly like religion.

[raven]

I did, my friend, I did enjoy that too. What a time.

[jadelennox]

I also found that quite telling! Also one might wonder why, in a country where there's a culture war demanding that anyone with a service job is required to publicly perform love for christmas or risk being tokenized as the face of a war on an entire holiday, anyone might have particularly strong negative feelings and unwillingness to participate in any way.

[katiedid717]

I stopped wanting to celebrate Christmas when I was 13 and had every intention of stopping when I was 18. I then ended up getting guilted into another 10 years of Christmas because one of my aunts had cancer and "It might be her last Christmas!" (Ironically, when I finally said "You've been saying this for a decade, I'm not doing it anymore" it actually WAS her last Christmas...oops.) My family still just...cannot grasp the concept that I am perfectly okay not having Christmas, even though the last time I celebrated was 2012. And that kind of repeated badgering and guilt-tripping can REALLY tip the scales on desire to participate in ANYTHING surrounding the holiday.

(Of course, now I have a child and have to figure out how to reconcile my atheist-with-pagan-tendencies non-celebration with the majority consumerist Christmas culture. And what exactly I'm going to say we're celebrating when he's old enough to understand. And how to broach the Santa Claus thing when all of his cousins get visits and gifts from Santa)

[ethelmay]

People I know in slightly similar situations celebrate Solstice. Personally I always intend to send New Year's cards, and never have managed it except for a couple of years when I sent cards to freelance clients.

[katiedid717]

I'm leaning towards Yule, which is strongly influenced by me working for a university and getting the week from Christmas to New Year's off every year. Yule typically started on the 21st with the solstice and runs 12 days until January 1. He's only going to be 9 months old for winter break this year, but I'm definitely looking forward to pajama parties, movie marathons, and cozy lazy days in the future!

[goljerp]

So it started off as a Seinfeld episode, but maybe celebrate a form of Festivus, with tounge in cheeck? The consumerist Christmas culture is pretty trying for me, and as a Jew it's not my religion. Don't tell me it's secular, it's literally got yer god's name in the holiday. And no, Channukah is not "just like Christmas". At least my son did get some (small) gifts on Channukah, but he also had to deal with other kids saying "Gee, 8 days of presents!". (Um, 7 days the presents were things like socks or a sweater or a bit of chocolate).

Back to the letter - The big party - I guess I'd need to know more about that. Is it just a party that happens to be around Christmas, or is it going to be a "christmas party" with a playlist of non-stop christmas songs and the main activity being trimming a tree? (Is that something people even do? I don't know, see above)

[katiedid717]

I'm thinking more along the lines of Yule/Yuletide, especially since I get the week from Christmas to New Year's off every year. This year is funky because he's a baby, but in the future I plan to do "someone you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read" along with some kind of winter break outing. He doesn't need any clothing this year (benefit to having so many older cousins!) and his little library already has close to 100 books, but I've ordered a few gifts that will give him ways to play while building his physical abilities (Pikler triangle set, gymnastics mats, rocking moose, modular chair that can be reconfigured into various tunnels or climbing elements) and we're going to hit up the aquarium!

[ysobel]

I also bristled a little at "pre-redemption Scrooge" (even though the Scrooge parallel was LW's) because Scrooge wasn't just someone who didn't do Christmas; he was a horrible person, mean and uncaring and more focused on profit than anything. He wasn't even specifically anti-Christmas, just anti-fun. There's no indication that LW is like that!

Personally I like Christmastime decorations, but if I married someone who didn't do Christmas, I wouldn't fucking call them selfish for not participating...

[laurajv]

right? i, too, would agree to a party in april but not to host a christmas party at my house.

[pauraque]

This might be just me, but I find Carolyn's writing style exhausting to read, whether she's right or wrong.

[raven]

YES. YES THIS. I thought it was just me.

[conuly]

Well, shoot. This is awkward, but can you ask pauraque if they intended to ban me from replying to them?

[raven]

I don't know you, I'm sorry, so I'd rather not.

[lucymonster]

Me too. I think I actually agreed with her on all these answers, but her writing style is so rambly and unappealing that I can’t say it with more confidence because my eyes kept glazing over and skipping bits.

[tielan]

I've noticed Carolyn uses a lot of words to say something that could be far more simply condensed into an answer.




Unrelated Query: conuly apparently can't reply to you - she would like to know if this is intentional or accidental.

[beable]

Raven’s weird stubbornness about not finding out above notwithstanding, conuly can always use the “omg wtf facebook dirty deleters” method of replying.

Not that I am suggesting that pauraque is a dirty deleter or anything of course , but the trick of “separate thread and reference what you are replying to “ is still a legit workaround.

Even if pauraque does want to ban conuly from replying to their posts in general, this is a post in a community, and anyone participating gets to share their thoughts, just with a separate thread as necessary.

[conuly]

To be fair, I believe it's most likely an accident.

And if not, it's not like DW warns you if you're going to reply to somebody you've blocked, or stops you from doing it entirely.

[ahazelshadeofwinter]

I found that earlier in her career, Carolyn had a pretty impressive talent for isolating an important part of the problem that wasn't really highlighted or obvious in the original letter, and often started her response from an unexpected place that then eventually found its way back to the problem as the letter writer had originally seen it. It seems that recently, she's frequently stuck to this format regardless of how well it actually fits the problem in the letter, leading to a lot of answers where it seems like she just rambles a lot about a barely-related issue for awhile rather than directly address the main problem the LW is facing. It makes me think that the scaled-back schedule she's recently announced might be a pretty good idea for her, but naturally a bunch of the WaPo regulars have completely freaked out about it.

[minoanmiss]

Ah Christmas bi can’t help but wonder if lw3 wife thought she could bring him to the Christmas Light. Otoh I see Carolyn point about considering his wife’s happiness. I would feel differently if they were an interfaith marriage but I’m not sure just disliking Christmas is a sufficient reason to be completely intransigent

[melannen]

2. Dear Carolyn (and LW): Four AP classes (plus probably at least 1-2 more classes, plus probably at least a couple of extracurriculars if he's college-bound, plus shuffling between two different houses every couple of days) is not "the harsh reality of the adult workload." It's a substantially heavier workload than most adults will ever face, unless they deliberately choose a job that is known for long hours and no "off" time.

LW needs to talk with the kid to her kid's counselor about what a 4 AP class workload is supposed to look like and how the counselor envisioned it when they let the kid sign up, and then talk to the teachers about how the kid is actually doing (not just "not keeping up with the work." Is he missing homework but doing ok on tests/in class? is he clearly have difficulty keeping up with the material? is he sleeping through class because his schedule is leaving him with 4 hours a night to sleep, and not getting the info he needs to even start the work?)

(I will also add that I completely flubbed several classes when trying to do this, but because we had weighted GPAs, a combo of low-Cs and just-barely-As in AP classes still netted me a GPA above 4.0 and had absolutely no effect on my college career, other than the realization that all the talks about "adult workload" and "consequences" mean absolutely nothing once you were in college giving me permission to totally slack off in college, which I definitely needed at that point.)

[ysobel]

I'm still bitter my HS *didn't* do weighted GPA and so our valedictorian ended up being someone, erm, less academically oriented. /tangent