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Dear Meghan: I have an 8-year-old daughter. She does not have a mother (my husband and I are both men). She doesn’t particularly like shopping for clothes, but she has a relative who keeps her very well stocked with jumpsuits, dresses and girly outfits of all kinds, which is the type of clothing she typically likes. In general, I let her decide for herself how to mix and match the various clothes she has each morning and will only step in if something is really inappropriate.
My mother, however, feels the need to criticize her clothing choices nearly every time she sees her. “Oh dear, you should never mix prints!” or “Why didn’t you wear a different shirt under that jumpsuit — it really doesn’t match at all!” My mother blames me for what she sees as my inability to teach a girl about girls’ fashion.
I told her that I had indeed talked about some of these rules, but I thought my daughter should also be able to make her own choices about how to dress. She then accused me of being a bad parent and suggested that I would also “give up” if faced with a child who stole or cheated on a test. Is it really so wrong to refuse to have a daily struggle because my daughter went to school with shorts that lightly clashed with her shirt?
— Grandma’s Criticisms
Grandma’s Criticisms: Your mother is out of line. While our culture has made important strides in accepting that girls and boys can wear all kinds of clothes, appearance is still a fraught enough issue for young girls that these comments are worth doing something about. As her parent, it is your responsibility to protect her from critical messages as long as you can, knowing that eventually you cannot totally shield her from the world. And when the critical messages come from inside the family, you are even more obligated to protect your daughter.
Your daughter is most likely seeking more independence and choice. Tasks such as picking out clothing and choosing how they look take on greater importance at this age, making your mother’s comments even more problematic. Your mother has every right to keep “fashion rules” for herself (although mixing prints is considered quite fashionable), but her constant critiques of her granddaughter are unacceptable. Your daughter is old enough to take in her grandmother’s comments and, while her bond with you matters the most, don’t think that your mother’s comments aren’t landing on her: They are.
Eight-year-olds, while bright, aren’t mature enough to dismiss a grandma’s criticisms as “her own problem.” At minimum, she will hate her grandmother and resent you for not stopping the comments. At worst? She will assume that something is wrong with her appearance, body, etc.
It’s time to create a strong and clear boundary with your mother. As difficult as this may feel, you must speak with her — face to face is best — and let her know that you will no longer permit comments about how your daughter is dressed, period. And that if your mother cannot control herself, you will take your daughter and leave the room, house, etc.
It is a ludicrous and illogical assertion that the mixing of prints will lead to cheating or stealing. In fact, that comment makes me question your mother’s grasp on reality, so put down your boundary, kindly and firmly, and allow your mother to react as she sees fit. I am guessing, based on her overreaction to clothes, that she may throw a fit. It’s important that you don’t try to fight her with logic, as I’m not confident that will yield the results you want. You want to choose some lines that you say, over and over. “Our daughter’s clothes are fine. Please stop the commentary or we will leave.”
It’s extraordinarily difficult to hold boundaries with our own parents, and I’m guessing your mother has spoken to you like this for a long time. You may need extra help, such as from a therapist, to help you find your voice. My hope is that your mother can stay a part of your child’s life; grandparents can play an important role. For now, you need to hold and find strong boundaries to protect your daughter. Good luck.
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My mother, however, feels the need to criticize her clothing choices nearly every time she sees her. “Oh dear, you should never mix prints!” or “Why didn’t you wear a different shirt under that jumpsuit — it really doesn’t match at all!” My mother blames me for what she sees as my inability to teach a girl about girls’ fashion.
I told her that I had indeed talked about some of these rules, but I thought my daughter should also be able to make her own choices about how to dress. She then accused me of being a bad parent and suggested that I would also “give up” if faced with a child who stole or cheated on a test. Is it really so wrong to refuse to have a daily struggle because my daughter went to school with shorts that lightly clashed with her shirt?
— Grandma’s Criticisms
Grandma’s Criticisms: Your mother is out of line. While our culture has made important strides in accepting that girls and boys can wear all kinds of clothes, appearance is still a fraught enough issue for young girls that these comments are worth doing something about. As her parent, it is your responsibility to protect her from critical messages as long as you can, knowing that eventually you cannot totally shield her from the world. And when the critical messages come from inside the family, you are even more obligated to protect your daughter.
Your daughter is most likely seeking more independence and choice. Tasks such as picking out clothing and choosing how they look take on greater importance at this age, making your mother’s comments even more problematic. Your mother has every right to keep “fashion rules” for herself (although mixing prints is considered quite fashionable), but her constant critiques of her granddaughter are unacceptable. Your daughter is old enough to take in her grandmother’s comments and, while her bond with you matters the most, don’t think that your mother’s comments aren’t landing on her: They are.
Eight-year-olds, while bright, aren’t mature enough to dismiss a grandma’s criticisms as “her own problem.” At minimum, she will hate her grandmother and resent you for not stopping the comments. At worst? She will assume that something is wrong with her appearance, body, etc.
It’s time to create a strong and clear boundary with your mother. As difficult as this may feel, you must speak with her — face to face is best — and let her know that you will no longer permit comments about how your daughter is dressed, period. And that if your mother cannot control herself, you will take your daughter and leave the room, house, etc.
It is a ludicrous and illogical assertion that the mixing of prints will lead to cheating or stealing. In fact, that comment makes me question your mother’s grasp on reality, so put down your boundary, kindly and firmly, and allow your mother to react as she sees fit. I am guessing, based on her overreaction to clothes, that she may throw a fit. It’s important that you don’t try to fight her with logic, as I’m not confident that will yield the results you want. You want to choose some lines that you say, over and over. “Our daughter’s clothes are fine. Please stop the commentary or we will leave.”
It’s extraordinarily difficult to hold boundaries with our own parents, and I’m guessing your mother has spoken to you like this for a long time. You may need extra help, such as from a therapist, to help you find your voice. My hope is that your mother can stay a part of your child’s life; grandparents can play an important role. For now, you need to hold and find strong boundaries to protect your daughter. Good luck.
Link
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The real problem is that Grandma wants to set herself up as the Ultimate Authority on Everything, and that disagreeing with her brings accusations of moral degradation.
Which is probably something LW will be unpacking for a long time, but at least his instinct to defend his daughter's autonomy is pointing him in the right direction.
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Nor does this have a statute of limitations: the High Almighty Parent should be able to pull seniority and be the boss of how the kid brings up their own kid.
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