agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Meghan: My sons (5 and 6 years old, both mildly autistic) tend to wake up in the morning and as fast as they can dive into my husband’s and my bed for cuddles. They seem to get a lot of sensory satisfaction and a lot of comfort from this ritual. Their preference would be to cuddle with me or both of us for about 15 minutes until they’re all the way awake, then run off and do their own thing. I don’t mind this at all — I enjoy it somewhat, and I find that (as primary caretaker) their days and thus mine go much smoother if they have this cuddle in bed to start the day.

The problem is that my husband says it ruins his day to have his kids in his bed at all.

I have tried to be a physical barrier between him and them — doesn’t work. I’ve tried to not let them in until he’s already up and showering — doesn’t work. I’ve tried to go to their beds and cuddle them there — doesn’t work. I’m out of ideas.

What should I do?

Cuddle Barrier: The fact that your husband says that it “ruins” his day and not that he is “annoyed” or “doesn’t prefer it” says a lot about his worldview. It is worth exploring what exactly is ruining his day. Is it the noise, smell, touch? Is it that it isn’t a part of his plans, or does it make him feel out of control?

Go on a long walk with him and get curious about his big reaction. Ask open-ended questions that promote conversation and understanding; it would be easy to judge him here, but getting to the bottom of his thoughts and feelings is the way to go. Don’t try to diagnose him, but it’s not lost on me that your husband’s black-and-white thinking and possible sensory issues around his kids cuddling him could be symptoms of some kind of neurodivergence. In the same way that your kids seek out physical contact to regulate their nervous systems, your husband may need a stricter morning routine to regulate his.

In the meantime, it is important for your sons to feel loved in the morning. If cuddling you regulates their nervous systems and sets them on a better path for the day, then that is what needs to happen (days ruined or not). After listening to your husband and hopefully gaining more insight into his thinking, I would make one offer, for example: “I can go and cuddle the boys in their beds or down on the couch. Which works best?” You will explain that your children deserve and need this kind of attention and that you are going to offer it — that is your boundary — but you are happy to work with your spouse on what that looks like.

I would begin to look at other reasons (with your husband) that may explain his rigid behaviors. Your sons need you to work together for their benefit, so the more you can both understand each other while holding your own boundaries, the better off the whole family will be. Additionally, reflect on why you allow your spouse to dictate these interactions with your children. What would actually happen if his day was “ruined”? Is this a larger dynamic in your marriage? Do you avoid conflict?

All of this is worth figuring out so more peace and understanding can occur and, most of all, your sons can get the attention they need from their parents. Your sons are taking their cues from both of you, so you want to be sure that unconditional love is felt and seen (preferably from both of you). Please consider couples counseling if the conversations with your spouse aren’t fruitful! Good luck.

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It ruins his day if the kids come into his bed? His entire day, even if he's already out of bed by the time the kids come in?

Yeah, okay, but if this is the case, why is LW the only one doing the problem solving?

(And has LW considered telling her husband to sleep in the guest room or on the couch if it bothers him so much? It's her bed too!)

I am not a morning person and I would hate to be rudely awakened like this, but I don't think that's at play here.

Has dad had an assessment to consider autism? Does this dysregulate his own sensory systems in a way he has never learned to articulate beyond "Ruins my day"? Sounds like dad could use some help learning coping skills.

That’s what I wondered, too. Two kids with autism and he seems to have an aversion to touch and/or routine disruption…

This exactly.

I was just wondering this as well. Meanwhile, if I were LW I'd move into the guest room so she can cuddle her boys in the morning, not because she should have to be the one to do it but because if Husband has left this entirely to her to problem solve then that's what *she* can do.

Given "I’ve tried to go to their beds and cuddle them there — doesn’t work", that may not work. Her description feels like he doesn't want the cuddles to happen and/or doesn't want the kids interrupting morning anything.

I would hate to be woken every day by children diving on me for cuddles. It would absolutely be a jolt and wrong-foot my outlook for much of the morning at least, and I would not become used to it.

Which is why she tried waiting until he was already up and moving.

The interesting part of the letter is:

I’ve tried to not let them in until he’s already up and showering — doesn’t work. I’ve tried to go to their beds and cuddle them there — doesn’t work.

which, to me, suggests that this is about sexual intimacy with his wife and access to her body, and that he and they may need professional help to unpack the husband's revulsion. It may also be charged by his ideas about how boys should be (stoic, emotionally undemanding), and if so that too needs to be dragged into the open and discussed and, if possible, put aside so that he can be a better parent.

Edited 2025-11-24 18:54 (UTC)

Yes, I was wondering about the 'sexual access to her body first thing in the morning' with those two alternatives she tried to present.

I couldn’t tell whether the “didn’t work” part was the husband still being grumptastic, or the kids not getting the right level of snuggles to make their day work. I have different ideas depending on which it was.

This letter makes me very sad because the husband lets this ruin his day even if the kids run in AFTER he is up and in the shower.

I agree she should talk to him about it and figure out what's going on, but the years when the kids are going to want to do this are VERY VERY SHORT. Whatever solution they come up with will be temporary by the very nature of childhood.

This never happened to me with my two because I was a very early riser and was always the first one up, but I can see how it would be annoying. But a lot of things about kids are annoying. The days are long and the years are short. The have-it-your-way untroubled life a person has before kids must change if they have kids.