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Inlaws....
1. When I say goodbye to my mother-in-law, she frequently traps me in extended hugs. They often last longer than 15 seconds! During these hugs, she rattles off compliments that are probably well-meaning, but which I take as insults: She’s grateful that I’m a good cook for my husband, for instance, and that I keep our house so clean. My husband and I are both working professionals. We split the housework evenly, and I’m proud of that. My husband says that his mother’s comments are just her way of trying to connect with me. But is there a way to dodge her hugs? That’s when the so-called compliments begin.
DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
Fifteen seconds is longer than I want to be hugged by most people. So, I sympathize — and have an idea for you. But it seems to me that you are avoiding a second issue here: Your mother-in-law’s compliments, while sincere, don’t square with your values. And avoiding her hugs will not fix that problem. So, why not talk to her about it? It sounds as if her life experience may have been different from yours. That’s no insult to anyone.
But first, the unwanted hugging: The next time your mother-in-law steps in to embrace you, take each of her hands in yours and hold her at a distance. Establish eye contact and give her a warm smile. Friendly, but without the hugging! This routine may be repeated as required.
Now, on to her comments: Next time she begins, explain to her that you know she values good cooking and housekeeping — the subjects of her compliments. Then say: “But I don’t do that work on my own. Your son and I share it equally. It’s one of the things I love about our marriage. It gives me time for my career.” She may not understand this division of labor initially if it’s radically different from her experience. But it will give you something to talk about and help to reframe your relationship with her. Worth it, no?
Link one
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2. Dear Carolyn: We are a very small family — just me, my older sister and my parents. Five years ago, my sister married into a very large family, and her in-laws host all the holidays. We’re always invited, but it’s never any fun for us. There are 20 of them together, talking and laughing, and me and my parents in the corner by ourselves.
I’ve honestly tried to join in, but they’re always talking among themselves about people I don’t know. I ask them about their lives, and they go on and on, but when it’s time for me to talk, I get either cut off or ignored. They try to be nice, but after the third or fourth attempt to answer a question, you can tell they don’t care about the answer.
So I’ve decided I’m not going for Thanksgiving or Christmas this year. On Thanksgiving, some of my friends are meeting up for a hike in the morning, and then there’s a pub crawl later in the evening, and that’s enough holiday for me. I can order a pizza for dinner. For Christmas, I plan to have breakfast with my parents, open gifts and then kick back for the rest of the day while they go off to my sister’s in-laws’ house.
Even though my parents agree about the in-laws, they are telling me to suck it up and go for their sake. They and my sister are really upset with me, saying I’m going to ruin their holidays, hurt my brother-in-law’s feelings and not see my niece. I say there will be so many people around that my brother-in-law and niece won’t miss me, and I’ll see them both on Black Friday and then again on Christmas Eve, so it’s not like I’m missing out entirely.
Am I being selfish like they say? Don’t I have a right to enjoy my holidays, or do I have to suffer in silence?
— Anonymous
Anonymous: It’s (b), alas. Upon marriage, older sisters determine all holidays into eternity, where you and your parents are but lumps in the merriment, clusters of mute suffering — unless others insist you suffer vocally through the command sharing of anecdotes they have no interest in letting you finish.
Maybe two pub crawls? You don’t need to defend any alternative plans to me. Because there’s no defense for guilting people into attendance at anything, period. You don’t even owe your family an explanation, much less an apology, for making your own plans. None of them have standing to pressure you into celebrating with someone else’s un-inclusive in-laws ever. Expecting this every single holiday? Whew. I think that’s a new one for me, and I ran a holiday dysfunction show-and-tell for two decades.
I’ve made my point, but may I harp on the perversity of the logic? Your parents agree it’s bad when you go to the in-laws’ … but they still go … no word on what this accomplishes … but whatever it is, you “ruin” it by not going and … and … ahhh!
Your parents can simply decline the invitation(s)! There is no offense to give.
Your brother-in-law, if he’s so keyed to inclusion, could agree to celebrate some holidays at your parents’! Ahhh! But is he actually feeling hurt? More on this in a moment.
Having had my outburst, I might as well use it for illustration purposes: Your parents’ logic frustrated me, so, to help sort and resolve my frustration, I wrote about my feelings. What I did not do was guilt-trip family members into joining me at something I knew they wouldn’t enjoy just because it would make my feelings feel less feely for a bit.
See? If your parents are sad that you won’t be with them for In-Law Thanksgiving Christmas at the Hotel California, then that’s for them to resolve through their own actions — not for you to fix for them. The actions they have to choose from include (but are not limited to) accepting your autonomy and making the best of going without you, making other plans with you, publishing snotty columns about it, or encouraging a more robust family blending effort. This is where your brother-in-law comes back in.
If he truly wants you to embrace his family as your own — versus just lament your absence as if it were so (according to your parents and possibly secondhand through your sister, ahem) — then he and your sister could include you in regular, frequent, low-key, non-holiday gatherings with one of his siblings or cousins or whoevers at a time. This builds conversations, then bonds. If you want that, then pitch the idea to your sister, in the time you spend not explaining or defending yourself on virtually anything else.
Link two
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3. Dear Annie: My son got married about eight months ago, and while I truly do love his new wife, I admit I'm scratching my head over a few things. Maybe it's the times changing, or maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but it feels like I got a fourth child instead of a daughter-in-law.
When they come over for dinner, I do what I've always done: make a nice meal, fix everyone a plate and pass the rolls. I'll serve my husband, my boys and even the dog if he looks hungry enough. But my new daughter-in-law? She piles food on her own plate, sits down and tells my son to get it himself. My jaw nearly hit the mashed potatoes. He works all day to provide for her, and the least she could do is hand him a pork chop! Instead, I find myself jumping up to fix his plate while she's scrolling through her phone.
And the laundry, don't even get me started. Because they don't have a washer and dryer, she brings her clothes over, and somehow, I end up doing them. It's like my son got married, and I gained another load of towels.
Should I speak up, or just keep folding her laundry and praying she buys a washing machine? -- Lost For Words in Georgia
Dear Lost For Words: You sound like a loving mom who just wants the best for her son -- and maybe a little appreciation for all that you do. I can see why this is bothering you. You raised your son to work hard and be respectful, so it's natural to want his wife to show him the same care.
That said, times have changed a bit. Some couples split chores differently, and letting him fix his own plate might be their way of keeping things equal. Try not to take it as disrespect; it's just a different rhythm.
But the laundry, that's fair game. You've done your share over the years. It's perfectly fine to set a kind boundary there. You should say something like, "Honey, I love helping when I can, but I can't keep up with all this laundry anymore."
No lectures or phone calls to her mom are needed. A little warmth, a little humor and a gentle reminder that you've already earned your break will go a long way.
Link three
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4. Dear Annie: Hoping you can offer some advice! My son has been married for six years to a beautiful girl who rarely speaks to us and acts as though we don't exist. Her distance has gotten much worse over time, and we have no idea why. We love her and are just as kind to her as we are to our other kids and their wives. My husband and I are so sad. This has broken our hearts.
We haven't said anything because we don't want to upset our son, but lately even he appears unhappy with her attitude toward us. When we've referred to her as our daughter -- as we do our other daughter-in-law, who loves the title -- she'll say, "No, thank you. I already have a mom and dad." We've always felt as parents ourselves that you can NEVER have too many people to love your child, so we were quite hurt by that.
And that's just the tip of the iceberg. She's so cold and distant toward us that even our friends and family have noticed and commented. We are good people, we stay out of our kids' business and we keep our opinions to ourselves. Our motto is, "If you want our thoughts, you'll have to ask for them." We don't meddle or cause waves ever, yet she continues to find ways to fault us for things. It's completely unsubstantiated, but it persists!
It's to the point I have so much anxiety that I've considered seeking out a therapist. This DIL is so unapproachable, so to avoid conflict, we just sweep EVERYTHING under the rug to avoid causing our sweet son any grief.
Please let us know if you have any advice. Our hearts are broken! -- Boy Momma
Dear Boy Momma: You sound like a warm, openhearted woman, which makes this kind of tension with your daughter-in-law especially painful. Her definition of "family" seems different from yours, and no matter how welcoming you and your husband are, nothing will change if she isn't willing to bend.
Keep being kind, but stop chasing her approval. Be pleasant when you see her and keep things light, but focus on the relationship you have with your son. You said he's started noticing her behavior, too; let him take charge on how to handle it. It's his marriage and ultimately his to manage.
And yes, talking to a therapist is a great idea. At the very least, it'll give you a safe place to unload your pain and maybe even give you some tools to cope with her coldness.
Link four
DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
Fifteen seconds is longer than I want to be hugged by most people. So, I sympathize — and have an idea for you. But it seems to me that you are avoiding a second issue here: Your mother-in-law’s compliments, while sincere, don’t square with your values. And avoiding her hugs will not fix that problem. So, why not talk to her about it? It sounds as if her life experience may have been different from yours. That’s no insult to anyone.
But first, the unwanted hugging: The next time your mother-in-law steps in to embrace you, take each of her hands in yours and hold her at a distance. Establish eye contact and give her a warm smile. Friendly, but without the hugging! This routine may be repeated as required.
Now, on to her comments: Next time she begins, explain to her that you know she values good cooking and housekeeping — the subjects of her compliments. Then say: “But I don’t do that work on my own. Your son and I share it equally. It’s one of the things I love about our marriage. It gives me time for my career.” She may not understand this division of labor initially if it’s radically different from her experience. But it will give you something to talk about and help to reframe your relationship with her. Worth it, no?
Link one
2. Dear Carolyn: We are a very small family — just me, my older sister and my parents. Five years ago, my sister married into a very large family, and her in-laws host all the holidays. We’re always invited, but it’s never any fun for us. There are 20 of them together, talking and laughing, and me and my parents in the corner by ourselves.
I’ve honestly tried to join in, but they’re always talking among themselves about people I don’t know. I ask them about their lives, and they go on and on, but when it’s time for me to talk, I get either cut off or ignored. They try to be nice, but after the third or fourth attempt to answer a question, you can tell they don’t care about the answer.
So I’ve decided I’m not going for Thanksgiving or Christmas this year. On Thanksgiving, some of my friends are meeting up for a hike in the morning, and then there’s a pub crawl later in the evening, and that’s enough holiday for me. I can order a pizza for dinner. For Christmas, I plan to have breakfast with my parents, open gifts and then kick back for the rest of the day while they go off to my sister’s in-laws’ house.
Even though my parents agree about the in-laws, they are telling me to suck it up and go for their sake. They and my sister are really upset with me, saying I’m going to ruin their holidays, hurt my brother-in-law’s feelings and not see my niece. I say there will be so many people around that my brother-in-law and niece won’t miss me, and I’ll see them both on Black Friday and then again on Christmas Eve, so it’s not like I’m missing out entirely.
Am I being selfish like they say? Don’t I have a right to enjoy my holidays, or do I have to suffer in silence?
— Anonymous
Anonymous: It’s (b), alas. Upon marriage, older sisters determine all holidays into eternity, where you and your parents are but lumps in the merriment, clusters of mute suffering — unless others insist you suffer vocally through the command sharing of anecdotes they have no interest in letting you finish.
Maybe two pub crawls? You don’t need to defend any alternative plans to me. Because there’s no defense for guilting people into attendance at anything, period. You don’t even owe your family an explanation, much less an apology, for making your own plans. None of them have standing to pressure you into celebrating with someone else’s un-inclusive in-laws ever. Expecting this every single holiday? Whew. I think that’s a new one for me, and I ran a holiday dysfunction show-and-tell for two decades.
I’ve made my point, but may I harp on the perversity of the logic? Your parents agree it’s bad when you go to the in-laws’ … but they still go … no word on what this accomplishes … but whatever it is, you “ruin” it by not going and … and … ahhh!
Your parents can simply decline the invitation(s)! There is no offense to give.
Your brother-in-law, if he’s so keyed to inclusion, could agree to celebrate some holidays at your parents’! Ahhh! But is he actually feeling hurt? More on this in a moment.
Having had my outburst, I might as well use it for illustration purposes: Your parents’ logic frustrated me, so, to help sort and resolve my frustration, I wrote about my feelings. What I did not do was guilt-trip family members into joining me at something I knew they wouldn’t enjoy just because it would make my feelings feel less feely for a bit.
See? If your parents are sad that you won’t be with them for In-Law Thanksgiving Christmas at the Hotel California, then that’s for them to resolve through their own actions — not for you to fix for them. The actions they have to choose from include (but are not limited to) accepting your autonomy and making the best of going without you, making other plans with you, publishing snotty columns about it, or encouraging a more robust family blending effort. This is where your brother-in-law comes back in.
If he truly wants you to embrace his family as your own — versus just lament your absence as if it were so (according to your parents and possibly secondhand through your sister, ahem) — then he and your sister could include you in regular, frequent, low-key, non-holiday gatherings with one of his siblings or cousins or whoevers at a time. This builds conversations, then bonds. If you want that, then pitch the idea to your sister, in the time you spend not explaining or defending yourself on virtually anything else.
Link two
3. Dear Annie: My son got married about eight months ago, and while I truly do love his new wife, I admit I'm scratching my head over a few things. Maybe it's the times changing, or maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but it feels like I got a fourth child instead of a daughter-in-law.
When they come over for dinner, I do what I've always done: make a nice meal, fix everyone a plate and pass the rolls. I'll serve my husband, my boys and even the dog if he looks hungry enough. But my new daughter-in-law? She piles food on her own plate, sits down and tells my son to get it himself. My jaw nearly hit the mashed potatoes. He works all day to provide for her, and the least she could do is hand him a pork chop! Instead, I find myself jumping up to fix his plate while she's scrolling through her phone.
And the laundry, don't even get me started. Because they don't have a washer and dryer, she brings her clothes over, and somehow, I end up doing them. It's like my son got married, and I gained another load of towels.
Should I speak up, or just keep folding her laundry and praying she buys a washing machine? -- Lost For Words in Georgia
Dear Lost For Words: You sound like a loving mom who just wants the best for her son -- and maybe a little appreciation for all that you do. I can see why this is bothering you. You raised your son to work hard and be respectful, so it's natural to want his wife to show him the same care.
That said, times have changed a bit. Some couples split chores differently, and letting him fix his own plate might be their way of keeping things equal. Try not to take it as disrespect; it's just a different rhythm.
But the laundry, that's fair game. You've done your share over the years. It's perfectly fine to set a kind boundary there. You should say something like, "Honey, I love helping when I can, but I can't keep up with all this laundry anymore."
No lectures or phone calls to her mom are needed. A little warmth, a little humor and a gentle reminder that you've already earned your break will go a long way.
Link three
4. Dear Annie: Hoping you can offer some advice! My son has been married for six years to a beautiful girl who rarely speaks to us and acts as though we don't exist. Her distance has gotten much worse over time, and we have no idea why. We love her and are just as kind to her as we are to our other kids and their wives. My husband and I are so sad. This has broken our hearts.
We haven't said anything because we don't want to upset our son, but lately even he appears unhappy with her attitude toward us. When we've referred to her as our daughter -- as we do our other daughter-in-law, who loves the title -- she'll say, "No, thank you. I already have a mom and dad." We've always felt as parents ourselves that you can NEVER have too many people to love your child, so we were quite hurt by that.
And that's just the tip of the iceberg. She's so cold and distant toward us that even our friends and family have noticed and commented. We are good people, we stay out of our kids' business and we keep our opinions to ourselves. Our motto is, "If you want our thoughts, you'll have to ask for them." We don't meddle or cause waves ever, yet she continues to find ways to fault us for things. It's completely unsubstantiated, but it persists!
It's to the point I have so much anxiety that I've considered seeking out a therapist. This DIL is so unapproachable, so to avoid conflict, we just sweep EVERYTHING under the rug to avoid causing our sweet son any grief.
Please let us know if you have any advice. Our hearts are broken! -- Boy Momma
Dear Boy Momma: You sound like a warm, openhearted woman, which makes this kind of tension with your daughter-in-law especially painful. Her definition of "family" seems different from yours, and no matter how welcoming you and your husband are, nothing will change if she isn't willing to bend.
Keep being kind, but stop chasing her approval. Be pleasant when you see her and keep things light, but focus on the relationship you have with your son. You said he's started noticing her behavior, too; let him take charge on how to handle it. It's his marriage and ultimately his to manage.
And yes, talking to a therapist is a great idea. At the very least, it'll give you a safe place to unload your pain and maybe even give you some tools to cope with her coldness.
Link four
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Though if that doesn't work, the real approach is to speak to her honestly and say "Listen, MIL, I don't want to be mean but I honestly hate hugs and I don't like talking about housework". Being direct is being kind.
2. LW2 needs to stop discussing these plans with the fam. They're not going to change their mind, and talking about it sends the message that they might.
3. LW3, you cook that dinner, and then your husband and sons can't even serve themselves? They should be handing you the pork chops! Have some more respect for yourself! (Gotta wonder if she did the clothes when it was only her son bringing them over, rather than her DIL, and if she complained then. Not that DIL should be asking LW to do her laundry! But....)
4. You're hurt because she... isn't your daughter? Well, it's a good thing she's not, because that's incest.
Also, LW4, your story doesn't add up, and you seem to think we'll miss it. You say DIL is cold and you "can't figure out why", but then you also say that she "faults us for things". Well, if she's faulting you for things you surely know what things, unsubstantiated or not, so what are they!?
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I wonder what, if anything, LW has said to her daughter-in-law, or to her recently-married son, about this. Or about the laundry: it says "her clothes" but "another load of towels," and I'm pretty sure that includes LW's son's clothing and the towels he uses.
"Talk to them about it" is often good advice, but it doesn't fit well with "she should fulfill my expectations, and I shouldn't have to tell her what they are."
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When our washer was out of commission and we were using my mom's washer, we did fold things to take them home...and this was mildly silly of us because quite often those things (ESPECIALLY towels) had gotten somewhat unfolded in transit and had to be refolded at home.
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I don't really understand how people can fix a plate for a grown-ass adult with any accuracy. I have lived with husband and partner for 26 years, I have helped raise godkids for literally their entire lives, and yet I would have guessed drastically wrong on how much they wanted for every single dish of last night's supper. Even aside from the vastly sexist nature of it, the practicalities just confuse me.
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Source: I am myself a person who sometimes has mobility difficulties, and WOW are the plates people fix for me at those times/places inaccurate.
Gosh I am glad my life features fewer crowded buffet line events than ten years ago.
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And she is doing...what all day?
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LW, if your son is doing all the providing, surely "buying a washing machine" is in his hands?
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In-Law Thanksgiving Christmas at the Hotel California omg Carolyn, I want to frame this as a cross-stitch sampler.
Re LW4: We don't meddle or cause waves ever, yet she continues to find ways to fault us for things. It's completely unsubstantiated, but it persists! - Imho it is substantiated--just that LW can't, or refuses to see why. She is not your daughter, LW--she's your daughter-in-law. Stop pushing her to be something she isn't. Also--is she "cold and distant"? Or is she shy, awkward, or anxious around you? Be friendly to your DIL, LW, but respect her distance.
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LW2: This entire family needs a backbone. Maybe Anonymous will set the new example for living life on their own terms.
LW3: I have to admit, if my sons bring their laundry over, I make it clear that the appliances are open but it's on them to take care of it. But you do sound like you're missing out on some key dynamics between your son and his wife and what he loves about her. I understand you may come from a time or culture where it was frowned upon for women to work outside the home or have their own bank accounts/lines of credit/home loans, therefore the "showing thanks" for being an income provider made a little more sense. But I feel like it's more likely you've let the laundry debacle color the rest of your perspective. (Also, gonna add that in our house all residents take turns preparing meals during the week, and the cook of the night always serves everyone their first plate - this is more about making sure people get even portions to start, also we have a galley kitchen and we're not trying to fit everyone up in there to serve themselves all at once. Since the portions here seem to be endless, maybe DIL is letting her husband take charge of his eating?)
LW4: Maybe instead of insisting on calling her your daughter, you just say "we love you"? Also yes to a therapist, seeking everyone's approval is probably more of a problem in your life than you imagine (ask me how I know, *cough*)
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