agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Annie: I've always had a complicated relationship with my older sister, "Beth." She's the golden child -- successful, pretty, everyone's favorite. I'm more of the quiet one. I've never resented her accomplishments, but I've spent years feeling like I'm living in her shadow.

Recently, something strange happened. I got offered a promotion at work that would put me in a leadership role over a project Beth's company is contracted on. It's a huge opportunity. When I told my parents, they were polite but not enthusiastic. My mom actually said, "Well, let's hope that doesn't make things awkward for Beth."

Beth hasn't said much, just a text that said "Congrats," with a period. Not even an exclamation point.

Part of me wants to let it go and focus on the win. But another part of me feels really, really sad, like I'm still chasing approval I'll never get. I don't want this old family dynamic to steal the joy from something I worked hard for.

How do I celebrate myself without needing my family to do it with me? And is it worth trying to fix something that maybe they don't even think is broken? -- Out of the Shadow

Dear Out of the Shadow: You've been there to celebrate Beth's wins; now it's time for your family to do the same. Share your feelings gently, with something like: "I'm excited about this opportunity and hope it doesn't make things weird between us -- I'd really like for us to support each other, even when our paths overlap."

How your family responds is up to them and out of your control. If they can't show up for you in this moment, it's OK to grieve that -- but don't wait for them to clap before you feel proud.

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LW needs to get friends, and yes, stop trying to get approval from their family, because their family is terrible. Maybe slowly start to fade out of their family's life - don't make the calls and texts, make other plans on holidays.

(And the advantage of friends over family is that friends don't even know Beth!)

I really feel for this LW. I've been going through something very loosely similar with my family, and even though I have a lot of friends who are interested and care, it's still rough when family seemingly doesn't

My mom actually said, "Well, let's hope that doesn't make things awkward for Beth."

Why would it? Beth and LW are professionals. Though I do think LW should be wary about Beth trying to make things awkward for them, if Beth herself will also be working on the project. This is probably a question better suited to Ask A Manager.

Oh, poor LW. :(

LW seems to know the term golden child without understanding the toxic abusive context. They could probably benefit from just reading about this dynamic. Understanding how it works makes the actions of their family completely predictable and not strange at all. They need to take a big step back from these people in order to take care of themself.