Annie's Mailbox: Man only half there

[cereta]

Dear Annie: I am 23 years old and have been dating "Tom" for two years. He works in a demanding job that requires an extensive amount of travel. He's away almost six months of the year.

When Tom isn't traveling, he's with me during the week, but spends most weekends going places with his fraternity or visiting his parents. This means for the six months he's in town, I get perhaps one weekend.

We are saving for a house, and Tom's constant recreational travel is cutting into our budget. I want our couple time back, as well as time to take care of things at home. I've suggested compromises (such as two weekends away and two weekends home), but things always come up that he "has to do." Two months ago, I was let go from my job. That same afternoon, Tom left on a trip with friends that could have easily been cancelled. I can't use those same weekends to visit my family because they are too far away, so I spend a lot of time sitting home alone.

I know nothing unsavory is going on. Tom is a wonderful guy. I have no intention of leaving him. I knew when we met that his job would require a lot of travel, but these personal weekends are difficult for me. I know he hates being inactive or staying home, but it seems excessive. How can we come up with a workable solution? -- Home Alone

Dear Home: Tom thinks he already has a workable solution and has no incentive to compromise. After all, he sees you all week. Right now, his schedule is a minor hardship for you, but if you marry and have children, it will be a major problem. You'll have to revisit this issue then.

Meanwhile, we are never in favor of sitting home alone moping. Please find things to occupy yourself during the weekends when Tom is absent. Look for part-time work. Take classes to bone up on your skills. Go biking. Accompany him when he visits his family, and get to know them better.

Comments

[cereta]

Right now, his schedule is a minor hardship for you, but if you marry and have children, it will be a major problem. You'll have to revisit this issue then.

No. No, no, no, no, no. Under no circumstances have children with this man. He's both telling and showing you who he is, and you should believe him. If you are determined to stay with him despite the evidence that (a)you are not a priority for him, (2) he will not be there for you when you need him, and (iii) he will undercut goals the two of you have decided on together because it cuts into his funtime, that's on your head. But there is no way that having kids will work out for you.

I'll cut the Annie's some slack, because they gave you a straight answer (he's not going to compromise), and you stated flat out that you wouldn't leave him, but please, please, consider what the rest of your life is going to be like if you stay.

[eleanorjane]

All of this.

Plus, actually, LW - you don't know nothing unsavoury is going on. You are a small part of Tom's life. Of the total nights in the year, you see him for 28-35% of them. It's entirely feasible that Tom has an entire other life that you know nothing about. You may in fact be The Other Woman/The Other Man.

Even if that's not the case, 28-35% of Tom's time is not a "life partners" situation, without a lot of work, commitment and prioritising that Tom has already demonstrated he is unwilling to do.

Also, let's be clear, you lost your job and Tom left for Yet Another Trip With Buddies that same day. This is not a man who is here for you. With Tom, you effectively will need to be entirely emotionally self-sufficient, because he clearly isn't going to do any of the stuff that the Buddy System we call a relationship usually entails.

Unless you are okay with being what amounts to single-with-companionship-one-third-of-the-time, leave, and find someone who is more available. In all senses.

(Also, fuck you Annie, "get married and have children" is not the inevitable trajectory of a committed relationship.)

[cereta]

The idea that he might actually have another significant other did occur to me.

[shirou]

I mostly agree with this, except I would add that Tom's behavior might be attributed to immaturity. The LW is only 23, and Tom hangs out with his fraternity brothers, so presumably Tom is also a recent college grad.

He's not doing anything really malicious, he's just being selfish and failing to make the LW a priority. That's classic immature ass behavior. He might still do some growing up. I wouldn't assume he is going to change, but I also wouldn't assume he'll be the same man as 30 as he is now.

[the_rck]

I think this guy has found a cheap way to make sure that, when he comes home, the heat's on, the pipes haven't frozen, and there's edible food in the fridge.

I'd say I'm being cynical, but I really don't think I am. The LW doesn't give a reason why they don't go along on those weekend trips, so I'm pretty sure it's because they haven't been invited rather than due to constant scheduling conflicts.

Also 'his fraternity'?

[cereta]

Yeah. It sounds like they're fairly fresh out of college, but that one was a kind of wtf?

[xenacryst]

So, what strikes me in the answer here is that there's nothing addressed to the problem. The problem is LW doesn't like how their partner is treating them. Nothing Annie says, aside from "revisit this issue [when you have children]" and visit his family with him - which are exceedingly vague and handwavy - seems to speak to that. It's all pretty much learn to enjoy life on your own. Which, yes, is what needs to happen, because the dudebro isn't going to be there, but I wish Annie had actually talked to the problem and clearly stated the branches in the road ahead rather than insinuate a path out of the relationship. That is, Annie should have said basically everything up there ^^.

[tielan]

Maybe I have high standards, but 'wonderful guy' is not my moniker for a man who doesn't have time for the woman in his life whether it's she's going through a Life Event.

Also, LW, you use the word 'we' as in "How can we come up with a workable solution?" Tom has clearly shown no intention of this being a "we" - it's "he", and you are incidental to his life. I suggest you start by making him more incidental to your life, because unless he gets a hefty dose of Grow The Fuck Up, he's going either break your heart or ruin your life.

...this is probably why I'm not Abby/Annie/Prudence.