Harriette continues to be the worst

[conuly]

DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend and I were watching a popular TV series together. The show is based on high schoolers who struggle with substance use disorder, mental health, anger management, sexual exploitation and more. We both were making comments regarding our shock throughout the episodes, but at some point, my friend looked over to me and said he feels sorry for my future children. I was wounded. That is such a strong statement.

I tried to unpack with him what he had said, but I didn't get far. He shared that he thought my expectations were too aggressive and that no kid will be able to thrive around me. I think of parenting as a balance between structure and vulnerability, and I've always hoped I will be an honest and understanding mom. Neither of us has children, by the way.

I want my friend to know his harsh critiques impacted me and that he should be more mindful with his opinions in the future. Is it even worth revisiting this conversation? -- Bad Mom

DEAR BAD MOM: It could be worth it to continue the conversation with your friend, though not as an indictment of what he said to you. That will only create defensiveness with no meaningful resolution. Tell him instead that you can't stop thinking about what he said to you, and you want to understand why he feels that you will not be a good mom. Admit that you have thought about his comments since he made them, and you want to understand his thinking. If he will share, listen carefully to see if there's any value to what he says.

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Comments

[conuly]

He's not even waiting for her to have children before criticizing her parenting!? Jesus, LW, instead of "revisiting the conversation" what you need to do is reconsider this entire friendship. That was, indeed, a super low blow and a crappy thing to say to you.

[katiedid717]

I used to be friends with someone who told me that not doing Christmas/Santa with my child was child abuse

Note the "used to"

What's ironic is that one of his parents is Jewish

[ambersweet]

I wonder if he got this opinion from his other parent and that’s why they celebrated Christmas.

[katiedid717]

Maybe, but he was in his 40s when he said this

[castiron]

LW, please at least tell me that this guy is a purely platonic friend and not someone you'd consider dating, because the last thing you need is to have kids with someone who feels this way about you.

Though really, "no kid will be able to thrive around you" is a terrible thing to say to a young woman in this society where women are judged by their ability to be good mothers (whether they even want to be mothers or not), and reconsidering this friendship might be a better bet. Or at least saying to him "I feel sorry for your future wife."

[green_grrl]

I don’t think friend (“friend”) is the person to continue the conversation with. If anything he says is truly rattling around in LW’s brain, she can unpack it with a therapist who can give her an outside and informed perspective. We don’t know; maybe she was overly judgey. But if she and “friend” try to talk about it, it will probably just go in circles.

[zavodilaterrarium]

Yep. We’ve got no idea what expectations LW or the friend expressed in the first place; maybe LW was very strict, maybe the friend had a skewed perspective. If I was either of them, I’d want to rethink the friendship regardless. Personally, people who give the impression that they’re not aware of the flaws in their hypothetical parenting make me uncomfortable; on the other hand, having my hypothetical parenting be so thoroughly insulted without cause would instil a great negativity in the friendship.

[movingfinger]

wondering whether that dude is mad because LW isn't sleeping with him...