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Geez, this dude....
Dear Eric: Over the course of our 26-year marriage I have caught my wife in numerous lies. We started marriage counseling three months ago and during an early session I asked if we could finally be truthful with each other, no more lies. No such luck.
Years ago, her brother suddenly fled and left all his belongings. She put them in storage but when I found out I told her to remove them or have him pay the monthly fee. Today I discovered she has been paying for her brother’s monthly storage bill for at least 10 years without my knowledge. That comes to $16,500. It may even be higher.
Initially she said she was being reimbursed. I asked for proof. She said she would show me. Then she changed her story to say it's her money and she can spend it however she chooses, so forget the proof. Pretty sure there never was any proof of reimbursement. My wife believes the best defense is to go on the offense, and she does it a lot.
I am married to a liar, a sneak, someone with no conscience. What should I do?
– Deceived Again
Dear Deceived Again: Well, hold on. Is it her money? Meaning, in consideration of whatever your financial arrangement is, is the money she used money she has sole discretion over? If so, then you don’t really have standing to demand proof she got repaid.
Look, I only know what you’ve told me. Surely there’s more to the story. But you may be inserting yourself into decisions that were hers to make and perhaps her responses were her attempts to get you to stay in your lane.
Again, from your telling, it sounds like all of this started with a command: “stop storing your brother’s belongings.” This is a place where a conversation is going to work better. She surely has complicated feelings about family and obligation. And there’s a way of reading this that suggests she was forbidden from acting in the way that she thought was best.
You want an equal partnership where she’ll be honest with you. You might start by asking her, in your next therapy session, if there are places in your marriage where she feels she’s not being treated like an equal partner. Even if there’s so much more that I’m not getting here, starting with questions is going to get you both a lot farther.
Link
Years ago, her brother suddenly fled and left all his belongings. She put them in storage but when I found out I told her to remove them or have him pay the monthly fee. Today I discovered she has been paying for her brother’s monthly storage bill for at least 10 years without my knowledge. That comes to $16,500. It may even be higher.
Initially she said she was being reimbursed. I asked for proof. She said she would show me. Then she changed her story to say it's her money and she can spend it however she chooses, so forget the proof. Pretty sure there never was any proof of reimbursement. My wife believes the best defense is to go on the offense, and she does it a lot.
I am married to a liar, a sneak, someone with no conscience. What should I do?
– Deceived Again
Dear Deceived Again: Well, hold on. Is it her money? Meaning, in consideration of whatever your financial arrangement is, is the money she used money she has sole discretion over? If so, then you don’t really have standing to demand proof she got repaid.
Look, I only know what you’ve told me. Surely there’s more to the story. But you may be inserting yourself into decisions that were hers to make and perhaps her responses were her attempts to get you to stay in your lane.
Again, from your telling, it sounds like all of this started with a command: “stop storing your brother’s belongings.” This is a place where a conversation is going to work better. She surely has complicated feelings about family and obligation. And there’s a way of reading this that suggests she was forbidden from acting in the way that she thought was best.
You want an equal partnership where she’ll be honest with you. You might start by asking her, in your next therapy session, if there are places in your marriage where she feels she’s not being treated like an equal partner. Even if there’s so much more that I’m not getting here, starting with questions is going to get you both a lot farther.
Link
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Buddy, you could not be further from the right in this matter and I hope your wife gets out.
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Maybe she does believe the best defense is to go on offense. Or maybe she doesn't feel she has to defend this level of action and is tired of doing it against someone who has plenty of stuff of his own to discuss in counseling.
To me the "she's a liar" rather than "she lied to me" reaction is a sign of a super-toxic relationship either way. It indicates a situation where LW's wife cannot win--whether it's because she has spent 26 years doing legit bad stuff he never mentioned (I doubt it) or whether he is in BEC mode with her (quite possible) or whether he thinks the best defense is to go on offense and it's super-convenient for him to have a wife who's constantly exhausted by his controlling behavior and being made to feel as if she has to defend herself any time she doesn't do as he tells her.
This resonates
This resonates so hard it hurts a little. Years ago, my partner told me I was 'untrustworthy' because I had told him I'd be home at six and I actually came home at ten past six (which did not happen to interfere with any plans). I'd have understood if he'd told me I was 'late'. But 'untrustworthy' felt way over the top, and undeserved.
Happy to say it's been a long time since I left that guy.
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