agonyaunt | (no subject)

My 5-year-old daughter, “Wren,” has been a nail-biter for the past six months. Nothing my husband and I tried could break her of the habit. Then miraculously, she stopped. When I mentioned my relief to my mother-in-law, she took credit for it. Then she told me her “solution.”

She told Wren that her hair would fall out if she kept biting her nails! I’m not sure how to feel about this. On the one hand, I’m pissed my mother-in-law would lie to my daughter. On the other hand, it worked. Do I need to tell Wren the truth, or can my husband and I (at least for the time being) keep up the ruse?

—Something to Chew On

Look, we lie to kids all the time when we don’t think they’re emotionally ready to handle certain parts of life, like the permanence of death, or how Santa Claus can leave presents at houses that don’t have a chimney. Sometimes, telling them the truth is cruel and heartless. (When my 5-year-old asked those questions, I said to him that most people live on this planet for 1,000 years before they go to cloud city in heaven to live forever, and that Santa and his sack of presents can take on a gaseous form and come up through the shower drains when there are no chimneys. I panicked!)

As for your daughter and her nail-biting problem—I’d keep up the ruse. But if she asks about it directly—”Mom, I accidentally bit my nails in my sleep, but I don’t want my hair to fall out!”—well, please tell her the truth so she doesn’t grow paranoid about her hair loss and insist on wearing a wig.

When it comes to raising your daughter, you’re in charge. I would absolutely tell your mother-in-law you’re not comfortable with the lie and to please consult you first before she problem-solves anything involving your daughter.

I know how mother-in-laws can get weirdly sensitive about this sort of boundary, and she might pull the “I was a mother, too, you know!” defense to make you feel guilty, but be firm about this. Make sure she understands you don’t think it’s cool to mess with Wren’s head.

—A.J

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Dear A.J. - what the hell is wrong with you, and why are you getting paid to give advice?

When I asked about death as a young child, my parents told me that nobody knows exactly what happens to the consciousness afterwards because nobody can come back to tell us. They did not tell me a ridiculous story, which would have had the potential to have been a lot more traumatizing than reality. I mean, seriously, wtf.

When we asked about babies, they told us that people make babies with sex, and the baby comes out the same way it got in.

And this worked pretty well, and was repeated with my niblings. No lying about babies, no lying about death, and as for Santa - well, we didn't lie about Santa either, but we're obviously not going to tell other people's random preschoolers "No, Santa isn't real, and isn't five too old to believe in pretend?" In my experience, the correct answer to questions like that is "Wow, that's a good question! I'm don't know how he does it. I can't do it, after all. What do you think?"

As for the specific thing the LW asked about, it's important to talk to Grandma ASAP, not because the lie is traumatizing, but because it's dangerous. When you tell your children ridiculous lies in order to get them to comply with you, you run the risk that they won't obey and will discover that you're a liar. What happens when Wren bites her nails some more and her hair doesn't fall out? This is not a good path.

Edited 2025-11-14 09:00 (UTC)

Yes, lying = loss of credibility

which means that the next time Wren hears something that is true and a genuine safety issue like

"that mushroom isn't safe to eat"

"that spider is very dangerous because of it's venom"

or "don't mix bleach and ammonia"

etc etc

she may not believe Grandma - because Grandma lies

What ELSE is grandma telling granddaughter? I think this needs to be delved into.

Sometimes, telling them the truth is cruel and heartless.
There are sensitive and developmentally appropriate ways to tell children about difficult, painful, and scary things.

This! The only time telling the truth can be considered cruel with no upsides is when it's about a personal opinion that would hurt them and which they aren't going to plausibly find out another way, like saying an outfit or an art project looks great.

Or if you say it in a deliberately unkind way.

"Nobody knows what happens after death, but no, you cannot come back after it. Yes, it's sad when we miss somebody" is true (with variations for different religious beliefs) and straightforward. "Life sucks and then you die and bugs eat your body" is almost the same thing, but few children would want to hear that unless they really like bugs.

That's a good point. It seems like many people feel there isn't any gentle or kind way to convey information that would be disappointing (ie there's no Santa Claus), but that's not true - it's not cruel to give information that you think will be unwelcome in a caring way! Same fallacy as my sister failing to say no to people at work when she actually needs to because she feels like it's inherently rude.

Tangent that still irritates me now over a decade and a half later: If a child says that they know Santa is pretend, and there are no other children present, please stop trying to guilt them into going along with your game! Part of the Santa game is pretending it's for the children, not the grownups, but some people are way too invested in it.

Yes, this! And FFS don't tell them that not believing in Santa means they won't get any presents!

That's so toxic to tell any kid, honestly.

Those people piss me off.

It's so annoying. I don't go and tell their kid that Mommy's a liar and Santa isn't real, so please show me the same freaking respect.

As a parent of young adults to whom I never deliberately lied aside from letting them believe in Santa until they outgrew it, can confirm it is entirely possible not to lie to children, much less lying “all the time”. I’m sorry the columnist doesn’t feel capable of simplifying things for small (or older) children to be developmentally appropriate, but that doesn’t make lying to one’s kids normal or right.

Seriously, shut AJ down, this is absolute bullshit. Only tell your kid the truth if she comes to you directly, so if she spends the next three years in a state of panic about but doesn't say words to you that's fine?

So glad my parents didn't lie to me about death when I was 3 and my beloved great-grandpa died. Oof. 1000 years old is a big lie to tell a kid, and either your kid is numerate enough to start calling bullshit right away ("...so if most people live 1000 years...and we just went to a party and sang happy 90th birthday to great-grandma...where is great-grandma's great-grandma?") or you've just moved the bar so that they think that their great-grandma who died is 1000 years old and Auntie Jo is nearly 1000 and will probably die soon and you're back where you started.

LW's husband needs to tell his mother to back off of Wren and stop making the situation any worse. If Wren's nail-biting was out of anxiety or other emotional/mental stress, MIL has probably added to it with her lie.

My question is, why did Wren start biting her nails? Did anything happen 6 months ago that caused her to start? I think LW needs to talk to Wren about her nail-biting. Explain that her grandma was wrong to lie to her, that nail-biting does not lead to hair falling out. But especially emphasize that if anything is bothering her that makes her want to bite her nails, to please talk to them or Daddy. And then listen to what Wren has to say.

Edited 2025-11-14 17:23 (UTC)

Nail biting is a symptom of anxiety in small children. It's a control / self-soothing thing. What is Wren feeling anxious about? (I had a horrible nail biting problem as a kid and only stopped when I got braces halfway through high school and physically could not bite my nails. I also have had lifelong anxiety problems. Nothing my parents and extended family tried to stop the habit could stop the biting because it was a symptom not the main issue.)

It can be a symptom of anxiety. When I bit my nails as a child and as an adult the only thing I feel is an enormous irritation that my nails are a bit snagged and I don't have nail clippers to fix them right away now now now. It's like having an itchy tag. It needs to be fixed immediately.