agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Carolyn: When the most important person in my life died in an accident, a friend never even bothered to say how sorry she was, despite many opportunities — the wake, dinner together, etc. She grilled me on the horrid circumstances of the accident instead.

I refused to meet with her again because it upset me so much, but our families are still close, especially our sons.
I put her complete lack of empathy down to her stupidity and lack of education but really thought the base reason was that she’d never experienced such grief.

Now, five years later, her husband has died at a young age. He was a friend also, and we are attending the funeral.
Is it okay for me to treat her the same way she treated me? It would give me a sense of closure not to have to say to her, “I’m sorry for your loss.” After all, those words never left her mouth when I was living my nightmare. I wouldn’t stoop to asking about the death’s details, but I’d give my sincerest condolences only to her sons.

Anonymous: No, there is nothing “okay” about treating her this way on purpose. You don’t know why she responded the way she did to your grief. Maybe she’s clueless or awkward about death; so many people are. Maybe her fears that something similar could happen to her overtook her manners. Maybe she thought she was handling it well and giving you her support through her presence. Who knows.

What we do know is that you plan to hurt her intentionally. While she’s grieving. To make yourself feel better. There isn’t enough no in the world to sufficiently cover that.

I don’t see how intelligence and education have anything to do with it, because emotional intelligence and cultural training are completely separate things. So don’t call her stupid, either. Even if she was mean about your loss on purpose, then you still treat her loss with grace.

I understand you’re grieving still, and I am so sorry you’re dealing with two serious losses at an apparently young age. But is lashing out at her really helping you? Do you feel like a better person now, moving other parts of your humanity aside to let your anger off its leash?

Worry about your own empathy, please. Feed it instead of your rage. Show your friend the kind of compassion that you learned, firsthand, is so important to people at their lowest. Make the world better, not worse. I am saddened by this question. I hope when your feelings settle, you give some thought to who taught you that payback was a legitimate form of emotional expression. Then I hope you disavow it. And I hope you embrace a different way, where you model doing what you know is right instead of making people eat what you think they did wrong.

Link - there's some reader comments at the bottom as well

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Closure is a myth. However, inasmuch as it represents a real thing, you certainly cannot make yourself feel better by making somebody feel worse. They won't understand why you're treating them badly, and you'll feel like a jerk. There are lots of ways to feel better, but none of them involve hurting the person who wronged you.

Frankly, I would've advised LW, years ago, to tell their friend that they were being hurtful and to ask why they would do that. If this was a surprise behavior then that would've been the best course of action to get that mythical end of pain. Or, if it was an ongoing, last straw kind of thing then cutting them off then and continuing to stay away now would be the best bet.

Yeah, acting this way is not going to make LW feel better. And the friend might not even notice, involved in her own grief as she is.

Edited 2025-11-02 00:29 (UTC)

And if they do notice, they won't say "LW is being mean because I didn't say the words I'm sorry for your loss five years ago".

Oh no, LW--LW needs grief counselling now. After 5 years, that anger has definitely festered.

If LW still feels overwhelmed by rage and bitterness regarding her former friend's behaviour, and keeps feeling compelled to lash out in person, the kindest thing to do may be for LW to avoid the funeral. LW could send a sincerely worded letter of condolence instead with apologies for not attending, and arrange to meet up after the funeral. LW needs to have someone review that letter before sending.

This is putting it more sympathetically than I would have, but yeah. I don't think it's that important that LW try to be actively kind or sustain this friendship if she's so bitter, as long as she's not being deliberately rude or cruel. But her obsessing over the issue is very concerning and she's extremely unbalanced about it, considering how long it's been.

Given how judgemental and socially clueless* LW is and given her urge to be vindictive, I think LW’s friend is better off without her.

*Clue: if someone you care about hurts you and you want to continue the relationship and cold-shouldering them isn’t working, you need to explicitly tell them how you feel.