agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Annie: My daughter-in-law never forgives or forgets anything that's happened in her 13 years of marriage to my son. As a result, she punishes us by keeping us from our grandchildren, who love us dearly. Sometimes my son FaceTimes with us when she's not home, but otherwise, we can go three to four months without seeing our grandkids if we say even one word or make one expression she doesn't like.

To avoid fights, my son just goes along with it. This year, I wasn't even allowed to see my granddaughter for her birthday. I cry all the time because at my age, I may not have many years left with them.

It feels like our daughter-in-law doesn't have a heart. We may not be perfect, but why can't she understand that the kids are the ones who suffer most by the distance she creates? -- Locked-Out Grandma

Dear Locked-Out: Your daughter-in-law is steering the ship here, and your son has chosen to follow her lead. As much as you'd love to be more active in your grandkids' lives, you risk being shut out entirely if you push too hard. Your best bet is to be gracious and diplomatic, even if you don't think she deserves it.

At the same time, keep a close, strong bond with your son. Tell him how much you value time with the grandkids, but don't put him in the middle with ultimatums. Respecting their boundaries may buy you more of those FaceTime calls.

This isn't forever. One day your grandchildren will be old enough to decide what their relationship with you looks like. Until then, stay patient, loving and steadfast -- that's what they'll remember.

Link

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Oh, yes, it's all the mean and controlling DIL who hates that they "say things" and "have faces", and it's not at all that the things they say and the faces they make are awful and uncalled for.

(I suppose it's possible that DIL is controlling and Son is in an abusive relationship, but LW sure doesn't seem worried about that! Only about whether or not they get to talk to the grandkids. If I thought my DIL was abusive and controlling, I like to think I'd care a little about how harmful that is, with or without my involvement!)

Difficult as it is for people like LW to understand, children take no harm at all in being kept away from jerks, and it sounds as though LW and spouse are at the very least jerks.

“…if we say even one word…”

What was the word, LW? Surely you haven’t forgotten the word.

Because what word it was definitely matters!

So carefully vague. What is she not forgiving or forgetting, LW? Did you ever apologize for anything, or change your behavior? Or just whine that she's oversensitive and heartless and try to drive a wedge between her and her husband?

"We may not be perfect, but..." <--- the rhetoric of a person who really, really doesn't want to name what "imperfect" things she did and said, because she knows it would make her look bad. And probably like someone who shouldn't have unfettered access to children.

Also, if you're really "crying all the time" about choices that other people make, talk to a doctor and/or a therapist. You need better coping mechanisms and to stop obsessively hating your daughter-in-law. Who knows, digging into your own emotions and learning to manage them might lead to some insight into what went wrong between you!

What is there to forgive, LW? What is there to forgive?

Annie's advice isn't terrible for once? But until LW honestly examines why DIL takes offence to their words and expressions, it will continue. Do the work, LW. Talk to a counsellor if necessary. Especially if it's bad enough (or hateful/harmful enough) that DIL refuses to let them see the grandkids.

As a result, she punishes us by keeping us from our grandchildren, who love us dearly.

I’ll just add that if the grandkids were throwing tantrums, “Why can’t I see Grandma?,” they’d be seeing them more often just to keep the peace. At the very least, son would be sneaking more FaceTimes. I think Grandma is overstating their relationship here.

This query reeks of missing missing reasons on the part of LW.