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Harriette could be worse this time
DEAR HARRIETTE: I think my son may be harboring some resentment toward me. We have a strained relationship, and even though I want us to be closer, the distance seems intentional on his end. If I try asking questions, he gets defensive or gives short responses only, and sometimes it turns into an argument or disagreement. On more than one occasion, he's referenced times in the past where I might've overstepped a boundary, spoken up on his behalf or been overbearing. How can I move forward with my son if he won't forgive me for the past? I wish he could realize that those things I did were just a mama bear looking out for her cub. -- Boy Mom
DEAR BOY MOM: Ask your son if the two of you can have a meeting where he shares all of his memories and concerns about your relationship. Ask him to let it all out so that you can hear whatever is on his heart. Do your best not to interrupt him. Clearly, things have occurred that have hurt his feelings. He needs to be able to say them all without backlash from you.
Apologize for whatever he mentions. Let him know that you never meant to hurt his feelings and that what you did was your way of being his mom and trying to protect him. Admit that you know you aren't perfect and that you are sorry if anything you did -- whether you continue to think it was justified -- hurt him.
Ask him if he is willing to put the past aside and work to build a new relationship with you now. Remind him that you love him and want nothing more than to be close to him. Be patient and ready to take this next step together. Be mindful of not taking over. Become a good listener.
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DEAR BOY MOM: Ask your son if the two of you can have a meeting where he shares all of his memories and concerns about your relationship. Ask him to let it all out so that you can hear whatever is on his heart. Do your best not to interrupt him. Clearly, things have occurred that have hurt his feelings. He needs to be able to say them all without backlash from you.
Apologize for whatever he mentions. Let him know that you never meant to hurt his feelings and that what you did was your way of being his mom and trying to protect him. Admit that you know you aren't perfect and that you are sorry if anything you did -- whether you continue to think it was justified -- hurt him.
Ask him if he is willing to put the past aside and work to build a new relationship with you now. Remind him that you love him and want nothing more than to be close to him. Be patient and ready to take this next step together. Be mindful of not taking over. Become a good listener.
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She needs to stop trying to defend herself and start listening. Until she's willing to do that, nothing will ever change.
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I don't think the LWs ever, ever take advice like "listen." Harriette's advice does not include "step back," but mine would.
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No. This is a terrible apology template. “I never meant to hurt you, I was just standing up for you, I’m not perfect and I’m sorry if I screwed it up” is literally ALL wrong.
1. “I never meant to do that” - this is literally what everyone says to try to get out of responsibility. It doesn’t matter what you meant. Intent isn’t magic. What matters is what you did.
2. “I was just trying to protect you” - stop trying to justify yourself and make it sound good.
3. “I’m not perfect” - It’s rare that people are looking for perfection, so suggesting that they are makes it seem like THEY’RE being unreasonable by expecting something impossible (perfection from a human). In general, what people are looking for is a much lower bar than perfection: don’t be an asshole to me, listen to me when I tell you to stop, and stop overstepping my boundaries.
4. “I’m sorry if I hurt you” - NO. If you pull an “IF I hurt you” to someone after they’ve just finished telling you HOW you hurt them - especially when you invited them to tell you! - you’re a grade-A asshole.
How does someone become a columnist and still not understand how to avoid the most common mistakes in apologies? We’ve understood how fauxpologies work for literally decades now.
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(And yes to all the other comments.)
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I’m also annoyed by the emphasis on the idea that mama bear has “hurt his feelings.” It trivializes his experience of what’s happening before he even gets a chance to say what it is.
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