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Two letters to Carolyn about terrible parents
1. Hi, Carolyn: I grew up in a very image-conscious family. I’ve always been “bigger,” which bothered my parents a lot. They were always on my case to lose weight, although it wasn’t having health impacts and I don’t have issues with physical fitness. Now that Ozempic is a thing, they have been dropping hints about that, too. I’ve tried gently having conversations about how their comments are hurtful, but they — especially my mom — get hostile and tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about. (They aren’t great at emotional discussions.)
I love myself generally and think I’m a cool person. But I’m in my early 30s, and I’ve never been in a relationship. I really don’t get romantic attention. I’ve been on a handful of dates from apps. This is hard. I naturally wonder whether my weight is the problem. But I can’t bear the idea that my parents were right this whole time, and I don’t want to hear the inevitable I-told-you-so’s if I do end up trying Ozempic.
I know a reasoned conversation isn’t going to stop them. And I know internally it’s going to kill me if I lose weight and start getting more attention; were they right and I was really that ugly this entire time? I have no idea how to wrap my mind around this problem. I’ve had a string of really unhelpful therapists, generally saying, “You’re not ugly, but you need years of therapy to heal ALL your childhood trauma and then maybe you’ll be able to find a relationship!” and I need a break from that.
Do you have any advice?
Need a Break: It’s the one thing I always seem to have. But if it must be about GLP-1 drugs and whether your parents are right about dates and weight — or else be “really unhelpful” — then you’ve set me up to fail. Alongside the shrinks.
You packed a lot into one letter; pretty much all of it points to therapists with the right-ish ideas. Many reasons, choose whichever you find persuasive:
· Parents have no business discussing adults’ weight unless invited, much less harping on it. To “get hostile” is straight bullying. There’s no excuse for it. What stops them is denying them access. Completely.
· The weight-and-dating issue is totally unrelated to your parents and their opinions and told-you-so’s. Potential dates are freestanding people. The only connection to Mother is in your mind. So just — detach the two. Now. The emotional work to get there is hard and long overdue, yes, but there is a simplistic entry point: Zero Talk of This With Parents. None. (See “Access Denied,” above.)
Want to try a GLP-1? No? Your doctor’s is the only outside opinion that counts. To base your decisions on how your parents will react/celebrate/gloat is to grant them endlessly renewable access to your psyche — the worst kind of roach-motel subscription.
Grim news on this front: Sure, being thinner probably would get you more attention. However, it’s not only a superficial advantage, but also dwarfed by the disadvantage of being enmeshed with a deeply unhealthy set of parents and refusing the steps to kick them out of your conversations, your business and your head. So your parents still weren’t/aren’t right in a meaningful way. (Therapists … different story.)
Meanwhile, great news has been in plain sight all along, past the brainwashing: paired-off people in all shapes and sizes, disproving the bigger-is-bad rule everywhere, every day. As courageous as you’ve been (I mean it) in embracing your cool self in a hostile environment, I wonder if you’ve ever really let yourself see all-sizes love as a truth that applies to you. And whether seeing it would affect how you behave.
When a kid grows up knowing their size “bothered” parents “a lot,” that’s an F on the parents’ report card. Not the kid’s. Given that we’re all imperfect — and up to our nostrils in idealized images, from toddlerhood — one of the most important child-rearing jobs is to teach healthy self-acceptance. That means being the best parents we can for the kids we get — vs. letting a grinding frustration show that our kids aren’t as expected.
By your own account, your parents were too superficial to see YOU past your weight. Not when you were a kid, not now. Wow. Also by your account, you’re making your version of their mistake: waiting and pushing for them to become the parents you want and not accepting their reality.
So whether you manage this back in therapy or under your own power or on my advice, I hope you will give a good think to how much of “your one wild and precious life” (brava, Mary Oliver) you’ve spent trying to get different, better — merely not offensive — attention out of the parents you got.
Then let that spent time prove it: No better answers, values or parents are coming. Then note how your life is in progress and waiting, at last, for your full embrace — by you as you are. Then give your cool self an ever-loving break from your parents’ relentless disapproval. Because they have really been that ugly. This entire time.
Link one
************
2. Dear Carolyn: My sister and I had a really difficult childhood, but she definitely had it tougher than I did. For very good reasons, she severed all ties with our mom over 20 years ago, and, based on the way things happened, her daughters also chose to sever all ties with their grandmother.
My sister and I also were estranged for many years, but about six years ago, we rebuilt our relationship from the ground up and we are the best of friends now. That is, until Mom died a few weeks ago. My mom left her home and its contents to me. She was very clear on her wishes that I sell the home and split the money between my two children. It will be a significant amount of money. She left my sister a third of all remaining assets, which are minimal.
My sister is livid about the terms of the will, feeling like it was just another way to send her a message that she didn’t matter to our mom. I don’t know what Mom was thinking. If memory serves, she didn’t want to leave my sister entirely out of the will, but this has actually turned out to be worse.
This whole legal journey through probate is going to just keep taking my sister back to a past with ugly memories and lots of pain. How do I navigate this and keep my relationship with her? Do I reconsider how to allocate the money from the house to make things more fair — but go against my mom’s specific wishes?
Heir: At every point in your letter — and your childhood, apparently — you’ve sided with your sister and implied your mother is the direct source of “ugly memories and lots of pain.” So why is this even a question? Unless your hands are tied legally, why would you even consider executing her orders to play out this posthumous cruelty?
From where I sit, it would be an honor not to honor the wishes of a mother like this. As soon as you’re through reading, start lining up the appropriate legal and tax advice and get busy dishonoring her. Tell your sister the news as soon as you’re confident the good work is safely in progress.
As much as I enjoy throwing other people’s money around, I don’t give such advice to you lightly. I’m aware it will cost you and your daughters “a significant amount of money.” Plus, your sister might not celebrate the news as expected, given the conflicted feelings and uncharted power dynamic that could come with your arrival as her benefactor.
But these costs look like a joy to assume when you consider the alternative: If you keep everything on your side of the family, then you will always know it’s money your mother extracted from your sister’s lifelong sense of worth, safety and belonging. My goodness. Try driving that off the lot.
So giving half the pain dividend to your sister is the obvious way to help her through this that’s also decent and just. More than half, if your mom’s favoritism extended to giving you extra financial advantages throughout your lives.
In one stroke, you end the abuse, give your sister back the family that your mother withheld from her and that should never have been yours to return — and show the next generation how it’s done.
Regardless of how she and the children receive your gesture, it’s healthy for you to do this. Doing the right thing simply is. And it’s the perfect last word for your mom and for the legacy of harm she tried to keep alive through you: “No.” The louder you say it, the better.
Link two
I love myself generally and think I’m a cool person. But I’m in my early 30s, and I’ve never been in a relationship. I really don’t get romantic attention. I’ve been on a handful of dates from apps. This is hard. I naturally wonder whether my weight is the problem. But I can’t bear the idea that my parents were right this whole time, and I don’t want to hear the inevitable I-told-you-so’s if I do end up trying Ozempic.
I know a reasoned conversation isn’t going to stop them. And I know internally it’s going to kill me if I lose weight and start getting more attention; were they right and I was really that ugly this entire time? I have no idea how to wrap my mind around this problem. I’ve had a string of really unhelpful therapists, generally saying, “You’re not ugly, but you need years of therapy to heal ALL your childhood trauma and then maybe you’ll be able to find a relationship!” and I need a break from that.
Do you have any advice?
Need a Break: It’s the one thing I always seem to have. But if it must be about GLP-1 drugs and whether your parents are right about dates and weight — or else be “really unhelpful” — then you’ve set me up to fail. Alongside the shrinks.
You packed a lot into one letter; pretty much all of it points to therapists with the right-ish ideas. Many reasons, choose whichever you find persuasive:
· Parents have no business discussing adults’ weight unless invited, much less harping on it. To “get hostile” is straight bullying. There’s no excuse for it. What stops them is denying them access. Completely.
· The weight-and-dating issue is totally unrelated to your parents and their opinions and told-you-so’s. Potential dates are freestanding people. The only connection to Mother is in your mind. So just — detach the two. Now. The emotional work to get there is hard and long overdue, yes, but there is a simplistic entry point: Zero Talk of This With Parents. None. (See “Access Denied,” above.)
Want to try a GLP-1? No? Your doctor’s is the only outside opinion that counts. To base your decisions on how your parents will react/celebrate/gloat is to grant them endlessly renewable access to your psyche — the worst kind of roach-motel subscription.
Grim news on this front: Sure, being thinner probably would get you more attention. However, it’s not only a superficial advantage, but also dwarfed by the disadvantage of being enmeshed with a deeply unhealthy set of parents and refusing the steps to kick them out of your conversations, your business and your head. So your parents still weren’t/aren’t right in a meaningful way. (Therapists … different story.)
Meanwhile, great news has been in plain sight all along, past the brainwashing: paired-off people in all shapes and sizes, disproving the bigger-is-bad rule everywhere, every day. As courageous as you’ve been (I mean it) in embracing your cool self in a hostile environment, I wonder if you’ve ever really let yourself see all-sizes love as a truth that applies to you. And whether seeing it would affect how you behave.
When a kid grows up knowing their size “bothered” parents “a lot,” that’s an F on the parents’ report card. Not the kid’s. Given that we’re all imperfect — and up to our nostrils in idealized images, from toddlerhood — one of the most important child-rearing jobs is to teach healthy self-acceptance. That means being the best parents we can for the kids we get — vs. letting a grinding frustration show that our kids aren’t as expected.
By your own account, your parents were too superficial to see YOU past your weight. Not when you were a kid, not now. Wow. Also by your account, you’re making your version of their mistake: waiting and pushing for them to become the parents you want and not accepting their reality.
So whether you manage this back in therapy or under your own power or on my advice, I hope you will give a good think to how much of “your one wild and precious life” (brava, Mary Oliver) you’ve spent trying to get different, better — merely not offensive — attention out of the parents you got.
Then let that spent time prove it: No better answers, values or parents are coming. Then note how your life is in progress and waiting, at last, for your full embrace — by you as you are. Then give your cool self an ever-loving break from your parents’ relentless disapproval. Because they have really been that ugly. This entire time.
Link one
2. Dear Carolyn: My sister and I had a really difficult childhood, but she definitely had it tougher than I did. For very good reasons, she severed all ties with our mom over 20 years ago, and, based on the way things happened, her daughters also chose to sever all ties with their grandmother.
My sister and I also were estranged for many years, but about six years ago, we rebuilt our relationship from the ground up and we are the best of friends now. That is, until Mom died a few weeks ago. My mom left her home and its contents to me. She was very clear on her wishes that I sell the home and split the money between my two children. It will be a significant amount of money. She left my sister a third of all remaining assets, which are minimal.
My sister is livid about the terms of the will, feeling like it was just another way to send her a message that she didn’t matter to our mom. I don’t know what Mom was thinking. If memory serves, she didn’t want to leave my sister entirely out of the will, but this has actually turned out to be worse.
This whole legal journey through probate is going to just keep taking my sister back to a past with ugly memories and lots of pain. How do I navigate this and keep my relationship with her? Do I reconsider how to allocate the money from the house to make things more fair — but go against my mom’s specific wishes?
Heir: At every point in your letter — and your childhood, apparently — you’ve sided with your sister and implied your mother is the direct source of “ugly memories and lots of pain.” So why is this even a question? Unless your hands are tied legally, why would you even consider executing her orders to play out this posthumous cruelty?
From where I sit, it would be an honor not to honor the wishes of a mother like this. As soon as you’re through reading, start lining up the appropriate legal and tax advice and get busy dishonoring her. Tell your sister the news as soon as you’re confident the good work is safely in progress.
As much as I enjoy throwing other people’s money around, I don’t give such advice to you lightly. I’m aware it will cost you and your daughters “a significant amount of money.” Plus, your sister might not celebrate the news as expected, given the conflicted feelings and uncharted power dynamic that could come with your arrival as her benefactor.
But these costs look like a joy to assume when you consider the alternative: If you keep everything on your side of the family, then you will always know it’s money your mother extracted from your sister’s lifelong sense of worth, safety and belonging. My goodness. Try driving that off the lot.
So giving half the pain dividend to your sister is the obvious way to help her through this that’s also decent and just. More than half, if your mom’s favoritism extended to giving you extra financial advantages throughout your lives.
In one stroke, you end the abuse, give your sister back the family that your mother withheld from her and that should never have been yours to return — and show the next generation how it’s done.
Regardless of how she and the children receive your gesture, it’s healthy for you to do this. Doing the right thing simply is. And it’s the perfect last word for your mom and for the legacy of harm she tried to keep alive through you: “No.” The louder you say it, the better.
Link two
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LW2 - if Sister got one third of the remaining estate, and LW2 got the house, which is supposed to be sold and the proceeds given to LW2's kids, then what did LW2 get? Was it the other two thirds of the estate, which was "minimal"? Because it looks to me like they're all getting a bit screwed except for the grandkids.
But, regardless, now that Mom is dead her wishes no longer matter and the law really doesn't care if you follow the will unless somebody makes them care. LW's not living in a surveillance state, and even if they were, surveillance states have other things to worry about. If all responsible adults agree on splitting the assets evenly, do it that way.
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Large people deserve and get love all around us, like the advice columnist said.
LW2 can do whatever she wants with the estate! I agree she should split it with her sister! Their dead mom sounds like a real piece of work.
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Aside from that minor sort of detail, cough, in my opinion -- Do with the money as ye will. Your mom is dead. Her feelings on the matter are irrelevant. What matters is the going forward.
(I'd talk about LW 1, but honestly, Carolyn didn't suck, there.)
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I am so glad LW1 wrote to Carolyn instead of Abby or Harriette. Not that Carolyn's advice is everything I'd have wished, but still.
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