agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband for six years, together for eight. My husband has a kind, tender heart and knows how to bring me down to earth when I'm stressed. I love him very much, but I am becoming less attracted to him because of his lack of ambition. I'm a "chase your dreams," "work super hard and get what you want" kind of gal, so it's hard for me to sympathize with his lazy, careless lack of ambition.

If my husband has free time, he's either napping, playing video games or watching a movie. Never does he choose to do anything productive like learn something new, work out or start a side hustle. (And God knows we could use all the income we can get.) How can I share how I feel about this with him without causing a blowout fight or hurting his feelings? -- DISAPPOINTED IN IDAHO

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Your husband has wonderful qualities, but if you continue keeping these feelings to yourself, one day you may explode and vent them inappropriately. The time to share your feelings is while you can still control them calmly. If you do, perhaps you can reach a compromise. However, if you can't do that, you will have to accept each other just the way you are -- or not.

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LW is headed for a burnout, and it is going to be bad.

Husband chased his dreams and got exactly what he wants - a job that allows him the free time to nap, play video games, and watch movies.

Which, valid! I chose to teach at a community college instead of a university in no small part because I wanted to have down time in which I wasn't constantly thinking, "I should be working on my article/book/project." I wanted a job where I could come home at night and read a comic book without guilt.

Which is very sensible of you!

What does LW think they'll be *doing* once they've achieved their goals, I wonder?

Apparently doing absolutely nothing is the new thing, helps focus and productivity, perhaps she should try it....

I wish I could give LW a vermifuge to drive out the Protestant Work Ethic infesting her. I suspect she'd be happier with herself and definitely with her husband.

The money hint might be another discussion, but in this context I suspect it's Iranian Yogurt (Ask a Manager recently had a renaissance of that metaphor)

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheAngel/comments/12avm6e/the_iranian_yogurt_is_not_the_issue_here/

Is there an AAM link as well?

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/09/can-i-refuse-to-fetch-my-managers-personal-mail-accidentally-asked-people-to-buy-me-baby-gifts-and-more.html#comment-5239439

OMG did this LW marry the wrong person. Yikes.

If LW was saying "he doesn't do productive things like housecleaning", then I'd be sympathetic. As it is, it sounds like he's using his free time to relax and do things he enjoys, and what else is free time for?

And if husband *is* pulling his weight at home, maybe LW should divorce him so that an ambitious woman who'll appreciate that can snap him up.

Right? I was thinking she should put him in charge of planning their date nights and vacations.

Having relaxation time is not laziness -- it's vital self-care.

Someone who burns themself out trying to ensure they die with the most toys ... is still dead, and probably dead sooner than someone who takes the slow route through life.

And the advice nettles me, not because "one day you may explode and vent them inappropriately" is wrong but because it basically has a false dilemma of "tell now or explode later". What about reframing? What about approaching the husband with curiosity (about life, about goals, about how he feels) rather than doing-it-wrong accusations? What about LW suggesting they do something together (like dance class?) so he has a regular Learning Thing to keep him from stagnating, but otherwise letting him be in charge of his down time?

What about LW suggesting they do something together (like dance class?) so he has a regular Learning Thing to keep him from stagnating, but otherwise letting him be in charge of his down time?

That seems like a good suggestion! Even if LW rejected it, it might be useful because it helps the LW understand their own feelings - are you bothered by him not wanting to learn something new, or are you bothered by him not being productive financially? Definitely seems like the second one imo but the difference is important.

LW, has it occurred to you that his kind, tender heart, and his ability to let go of stress and be a source of calm and stability for you... are not isolated from his ability to relax in his down time, but inextricably intertwined?

That ambitious "GO GO GO NOW NOW NOW" that you frame as a virtue in yourself (and insult him for lacking) is exactly what stresses you out and makes you the unkind person who wrote this letter. You think of him as lazy and lacking; that's an awful way to talk about someone you claim to love.

Personally I'd recommend seeking out a good therapist to unpack your toxic productivity-above-all programming. Might also help with learning to bring up personality conflicts in your marriage in a less adversarial, insulting way. Sure, you should talk to him, but if you're going to talk to him like THAT, I don't think much of your marriage's chances.

(Also, you seem to believe that "working super hard" will, in fact, get you things you want. I don't wish medical or financial disasters on you, but they are likely going to come for you all the same, sooner or later, regardless of how relentlessly you strive. You may find yourself sick/disabled without any power to prevent that. The ability to find worth in your own life outside of Achievements and Ambition may be a survival skill you'll need.)

I was the LW once upon a time. Couples therapy helped enormously, not least because I learned a whole lot about the stressors that *I* was putting on the relationship.

(We also still have this therapist, who specializes in neurodiverse couples.)