agonyaunt | (no subject)

I have a 26-year-old daughter who from a very early age studied dance. For a while, we thought she might pursue it professionally, but by the time she was applying for colleges it was clear that she had decided not to. Once she made that decision, she stopped taking dance classes. We were disappointed — she was a beautiful dancer — but we were supportive of her choice. She found a major she loved and is doing very well. We couldn’t be happier about that. I’ve noticed, however, that since she stopped dancing she has steadily gained weight. Lately, every time her dad and I see her, she has put on more weight.

We want to have a conversation with her about it, but we’re concerned that she will think that we’re body-shaming her. She can get defensive about things. I am particularly concerned about the things she loves to eat. She gravitates toward sugar and fatty foods, and isn’t very active. We have lots of diabetes on both sides of our family, and I’ve subtly tried to mention this family risk. I don’t think she has taken this in, however. She may be headed for a serious weight problem. How can we raise this with her without making her feel self-conscious or judged, and without pushing her away from us? We love and respect her and want to see her live a healthy life. Please advise! — Name Withheld

You seem worried that raising the subject at all would amount to body-shaming. But if your concern is genuinely about her health rather than her appearance, there is nothing inherently wrong with speaking up. The real problem with body-shaming is the shaming part. It often leaves people feeling worse about themselves, studies have found, sometimes even driving the very behaviors, like overeating, that you’d like to prevent.

So think carefully about what you want to say as well as how you want to say it. The way you describe your daughter’s history suggests you still see her through the lens of who she was as a young dancer — slim, graceful and intensely active. If the undertone of your concern is nostalgia for the lean dancer she used to be, she will hear it, no matter what words you choose, and you’ll only push her away.

If, however, what you truly want is to support her well-being, then speak to her as an adult, with respect and candor, rather than as a child whose body you wish were different. That means keeping the focus on health and family history. Make sure she knows the concern comes from love, not disappointment — that your concern is for her well-being, not her waistline.

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Dear LW, and also, I guess, The Ethicist: LW's daughter knows how much she weighs, and if she just recently ~~escaped~~ left the preprofessional dance world she also knows she's fat.

(And unless diabetes is some shameful family secret, I bet she even knows about that!)

“We want to fat-shame her, but, you know, we don’t want her to get upset with us!”

There is absolutely no possibility that a woman in America today does not know that she has gained weight.

She’s an adult, leave her body alone.

a former dancer, no less!

the response to this letter gave new life to the flames on the side of my face. "your concern is for her well-being, not her waistline" my fat ass.

18 millionth letter to an advice column asking, “How do I tell adult offspring I’m concerned about their weight gain?” The correct answer is, “You don’t.”

Why do I feel that Daughter used to be underweight and is simply gaining her regular adult body shape ?

If she's an ex-dancer, it's almost a guarantee.

Because you have sense.

But if your concern is genuinely about her health rather than her appearance…
…then you make sure she knows her family medical history and don't mention her weight at all unless she says something about it first.

This. What the BLEEP is wrong with _The Ethicist_?

We love and respect her and want to see her live a healthy life.

It seems like daughter is happier now that she's left the dance world. Though who's to say she lived a "healthy life" as a dancer? Disordered eating, underweight, and body image issues are real risks in the dance world, not to mention injuries and pressure to perform. In the end though, daughter's weight is really none of LW's concern; daughter's health is a topic between her and her medical practitioner. What matters is that daughter is happy and in LW's words, "doing very well" in her chosen field of study.

I wonder if LW needs to ask herself, whether her concern about her daughter's weight might be more rooted in her disappointment that daughter did not continue in dance as she'd hoped. (I wonder if LW was aware that only 3% of dance students become professional dancers.)

Here, let me translate:

from a very early age studied dance We put her in tiny kid dance classes.

we thought she might pursue it professionally, We pushed this narrative very hard from the time she was about 4.

We were disappointed — she was a beautiful dancer — but we were supportive of her choice. We were disappointed--we were more interested in the daughter we made up in our heads than the actual person in front of us, and her appearance was the most important part of this--and we made our disappointment excruciatingly clear. We feel we deserve a medal for not disowning her.

I’ve subtly tried to mention this family risk. I have harped on this until she wants to scream.

I don’t think she has taken this in, however. She has not instantaneously adjusted her body to fit my tastes.

She may be headed for a serious weight problem. She definitely does not currently have any weight problem whatsoever.

How can we raise this with her without making her feel self-conscious or judged, and without pushing her away from us?

LW write can't make her not feeled judged, because LW is definitely judging.

So think carefully about what you want to say as well as how you want to say it.

And then keep it to yourself, because that is still terrible advice.

"How do we raise her consciousness about her fat self without making her self-conscious, and how to we let her know we judge her 'new' body without her feeling judged". Ain't no agony aunt in the world who can fix that for you.

Oof, this one hurts. I was always the skinny sister growing up and I remember being scared to visit home from uni after gaining some weight because I knew I’d cop the same “loving concern for my health” my siblings were always receiving, at a time when I was already ACUTELY aware of and very fragile about my changing figure. I really hope LW grows a clue and leaves her daughter the hell alone.

If a 26-year-old is not already aware of any dangers associated with poor diet/exercise, and their family medical history, you have failed them as parents for many, many years. If you were actually worried about their health, you’d focus more on the diet and activity level parts than the weight bit. Someone can have perfectly acceptable health while being a bit thinner or a bit fatter than what “looks safe”, so you really have to direct your attention to their actions and causes of those actions. If she isn’t hindered from doing what she wants by her weight, then the weight is of no concern. The amount of exercise that you need for a good life can be variable (ofc, some is better than none but none won’t necessarily kill you on the spot). The real worry would be if nutritional needs are met. It’s her own choice if she wants to care about her proximity to diabetes at 26. I may have a higher lower limit for what age an “adult” is, but 26 is definitely good enough for THIS for the average person. If she’s “neglecting” herself for mental health reasons or external factors, THAT’S what you focus on, getting to the root of what’s happening. If’s she’s not going through anything life that, it’s not your business.

> we’re concerned that she will think that we’re body-shaming her.

Perhaps you could try not body shaming her?

galaxy-brain-meme.gif

If they were actually worried about her health, and there is diabetes (presumably type 2?) running through the family genetics, then they should have had conversations about healthy ways to fuel her pre-professional dance training load YEARS ago. I wouldn't be at all surprised if her diet was fatty/sugary while she was dancing (instant energy-boost for training and then you burn off all the sugar quickly so no weight gain) and the main difference is just that she's not burning off the calories as much now.