Dear Abby:Man's Moodiness Following Heart Attack Puts Wife on Edge

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My husband had a heart attack last year, and since then he has become extremely volatile. He explodes for no reason and threatens me. He does not want me to talk about it to his doctor, and he's scaring me regularly. I don't know what to do. I think it may have to do with all the medications he's taking, but I'm not "allowed" to talk to the doctor. He is moody and making me fearful. Help. -- SCARED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR SCARED: Obviously, something isn't right. Call the doctor anyway. If the doctor refuses to talk with you, write him a letter about the changes in your husband's behavior, his explosive temper and your concern that it might be medication-related. If, after that, nothing changes, talk with a licensed mental health professional about what has been going on.

If you feel you are in danger, call 911. You should not have to live in fear, and if this isn't resolved, you may have to leave the marriage for your own safety.

Comments

[jadelennox]

I'd say her advice is well meaning but missing a lot of nuance of U.S. law. There are good reasons the doctor can't talk to the spouse, and Abby's advice starts and ends with discussing the husband's health (huband's doctor, licensed mental health professional). Actually, no, it's worse than that. Abby's advice goes:

1. Discuss the husband's health with doctor, who may not be able to talk to you.
2. Discuss the husband's health with a different doctor who's never met your husband, who has a different professional ethical guideline preventing them from diagnosing a stranger, and the same legal obligation not to tell you anything without your husband's permission if they have diagnosed your husband.
3. Call 911, which has a less-than stellar reputation for safeguarding the lives of (a) people in mental health crises, and (b) people who call 911 in fear for their lives but who try to save the life of a loved one in a mental health crisis.

If the LW follows this advice and doesn't move beyond it, they could get pulled into a runaround (that, again, exists for good reason), leaving them to stick around long enough that they are hurt or killed, or they call 911 and the LW or husband are then in more danger of being hurt or killed. There should be further advice about how the LW needs to protect themselves, regardless of whether doctors will help them or not. I don't know what that advice is but I'm sure the national and New Jersey domestic violence charities do, and they know what legal rights the LW has as a spouse concerned about the husband's mental health.

[cereta]

Fair points. I do think the the doctor can receive information from the LW, just not give it, but I am not an expert, and my spouse has had me on the confidentiality list since before we married.