(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Annie: I met my husband three years ago, about eight months after he lost his first wife of 20 years. Their marriage was often toxic, and she was very abusive toward him. After she passed, he was ready to move on.

Right away, I knew something wasn't right with my husband. In his mid-50s, he was having short-term memory issues, falling frequently and struggling with his mental health. After seeing his health care provider and enrolling in the Veterans Affairs health care system, we discovered he had suffered multiple traumatic brain injuries during his time in the Army. That diagnosis led to him becoming a 100% service-connected disabled veteran and allowed him to receive the care he needed for a better quality of life.

His family, however, waged a war against me for helping him, accusing me of manipulating and "brainwashing" him. My husband has distanced himself from them, and we're no longer on speaking terms. My husband has a lot of anger toward them as he suffered for decades without their help or support.

His parents, who live in another state, are elderly and in poor health. I fear that if he doesn't reconcile with them before they pass, he will resent me. I love my husband with all my heart, and this has been a hard road. I just want the very best for him, unconditionally. Any advice? -- Wife on the Defensive

Dear Wife on the Defensive: You've been an incredible source of support for your husband. You recognized he was suffering and helped him get the care he so clearly needed. That's not brainwashing; that's being a spouse through good and bad, in sickness and in health.

It's understandable to worry he might one day regret cutting ties with his parents, but reconciliation isn't something you can or should force. That decision is up to your husband. If he ever expresses interest in reaching out to them again, support him gently. If not, trust that he's made peace with that choice and knows what's best for him, even if it's painful.

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Comments

[conuly]

I'm dying to know his family's version of events. It's sure to be juicy.

(However, I doubt LW would write in to an advice column about how to help Husband reconcile with his family if they really were brainwashing and manipulating him, so they sound like a saint and his family sounds totally out of touch with reality, and good riddance!)

[redbird]

A good answer, as far as it goes. Neither the LW nor Annie seems to realize that if LW did push her husband to reconcile with his parents, he might resent her for that.

[mrissa]

YES

[watersword]

STOP TRYING TO MAKE PEOPLE RECONCILE WITH JERKS.

[otter]

1000000%

[minoanmiss]

This this this this this!!!!!

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

I have one other important bit to add: Test the parents' current perspective. Many people, approaching death, realize where they fucked up and wish to make amends before they die. If so, consider whether this is desired. But if not, continue avoiding them.

Re: Thoughts

[otter]

IMO, it's up to the elders to reach out with apologies if they are so inclined.

[ethelmay]

I can't help wondering whether the husband is a reliable narrator, given that LW didn't know his first wife and didn't know him pre-TBIs. Given that his first wife presumably had her own health problems to worry about, she may not have been able to help him figure out his while she was dying of whatever she died of.