agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Eric: My beloved husband of more than 40 years has become something of an embarrassment. He has always been careful with his appearance (almost in the vain category). About six years ago, he had a serious illness with dangerous surgery but made an excellent recovery.

Afterward, his weight loss became a weight gain and now, instead of the athletic physique he has always maintained, he has a large gut. He will wear T-shirts that are too small and when seated, part of his naked middle is exposed for all to see.

I can tolerate this at home, but not when we are around other people. I have tried gentle reminders that these shirts are too small, mentioning how embarrassed I am, but it makes no difference. He also wears ill-fitting pants in his former waist size which exaggerate the problem.

Otherwise, he keeps up his lengthy morning regime of careful grooming as in the past. His doctors have suggested he lose weight, but nothing has changed. Can you offer any advice so we can socialize without me cringing?

– Loving But Mortified

Dear Loving: Sometimes with loved ones and friends, the healthiest but hardest thing to do is to say, “this is where he is right now” and to accept that. You don’t have to love it; you don’t have to like it; some aspects of it can still pose a question in your mind. But, by saying, “this is where he is right now,” you acknowledge that he’s on a journey and it may not be going as fast as you want it, but you’re along for the ride.

It would be surprising if your husband wasn’t having a little trouble adjusting to his new physique, particularly since it developed after a serious illness, which can be traumatic. There have been a lot of life changes in the last six years, internally and externally. Buying new clothes may feel like an acknowledgment that his life is different or his body is responding in a different way than it has previously. That takes time.

So, when you feel that cringe coming on, try to redirect it into compassion. Sure, it doesn’t look good to you, but is it a crime? It’s not something he’s doing out of spite – not that I think you’re seeing it that way, but it might feel a little like that since you’ve brought it up to no avail. See if you can remove your own feelings from his clothes.

Lastly, you also might want to buy him some new clothes in a new size. You can leave out the embarrassment about the too-small clothes and let these gifts stand on their own. Hopefully, he feels good in them; that’s what’s most important.

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I don't know how you write this all out and never stop to think "My attitude is more of an embarrassment than my husband's weight".

WTF. It's well known that peeople can gain weight both from many medications and from the sedentary nature of recovery from surgery, increased pain, etc. Is no one on LW's husband's medical team considering this at all? Among many other things a conversation about the situation might help LW's husband to deal well enough to go shopping.

Also and relatedly, isn't she concerned about that? Why is her only reaction embarassment? (In this fatphobic society we all know why.)

I think that LW has two problems, and would do very well to separate them.

1) They are obviously unhappy about their husband’s weight gain, and they should really get some kind of therapy about it (because body changes after major surgery are very common, not to mention that most people’s bodies change as they age!)

2) They are bothered and embarrassed by their husband wearing clothing that is too small and not covering his body, and THAT is something can be addressed, by buying some larger clothes and having a conversation with their husband about it.

But they need to be very clear on separating those issues, because making their husband feel bad about weight gain after a serious illness/surgery is not okay!!

I'm not sure they can get their husband to change his shirts though, since apparently they have been trying to talk about it repeatedly. The answer is probably right that the husband is dealing with some trauma about that.

I'm also unsure but I definitely think it would up the odds if she left fat-shaming out of it and talked instead about neatness and looking dapper. As an example from my life I never ever talk to my parents about clothes because it's always connected to discussing my size and ergh no.

Yeah, we don't know exactly what she says, but this letter doesn't look good for her awareness. Especially since that is likely related to his trauma as well.