Two letters in the same column

[conuly]

Link

1. Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I have an 8-year-old daughter, “Amanda.” Amanda loves to sing, but if I’m honest, her voice is awful. I’ve learned to tolerate it. But my husband tells her to stop every time she sings in his presence, and it hurts her feelings. In response to my telling him as much, he says her singing is like fingernails on a chalkboard, so he shouldn’t be expected to “endure” it. When I suggested we get her some singing lessons, he said he didn’t want to “waste money on a lost cause.” Should I sign her up anyway?

—Vocally Challenged

Dear Challenged,

Two notes, right off the bat: 8 is too young for singing lessons (her vocal muscles are still growing!), and Amanda is not a “lost cause.”

Lots of children who “can’t sing” at 8—or 10, or 12—turn out to be very good singers after their vocal cords and larynx (or voice box) have grown. I hope this turns out to be true for Amanda, since she so enjoys singing. But even if it doesn’t, there are ways for her not only to be encouraged in her love of singing but also to learn to get better at it. (Shame on your husband for discouraging her! He most certainly should be expected to “endure” the sound of his own daughter’s voice.) No one is a lost cause when it comes to music.

Find a choir for Amanda to join. Google “children’s choir” and the name of your town—I’ll bet you’ll find something. A good choir director is worth their weight in gold in terms of music education (and I happen to firmly believe that music should be part of every child’s education). When Amanda is older—about 12 or 13—and has some experience singing with a choir, if she asks for voice lessons, then you can enroll her.

In the meantime, help her find opportunities to sing, and chances for her to learn to sing on key and how to achieve breath support for singing. (Even kids who “can” sing benefit from this!) And please don’t discourage her from singing at home. I’d hope her cranky father can come around to my way of thinking, but if he can’t or won’t, he can leave the room in which she’s belting out “Let it Go.” But please, please, not with his hands over his ears as he mutters that he’s being driven mad. Discreetly.

******************

2. Dear Care and Feeding,

My parents divorced when I was 13. Within a year, my dad married my stepmom, who had a son who was 2 at the time, and a little over a year later, they had my half-sister, “Anna.” Anna’s birthday was two weeks ago, and I bought her a Nintendo Switch 2 (I discussed it with my dad and stepmom ahead of time, and they agreed to it).

The problem is that Anna’s half-brother, “Jacob,” has more or less appropriated it for himself, and Anna has called me up saying she has been able to use it all of three times since I gave it to her.

Jacob has literally taken it for himself—as in it’s in his room and Anna can’t access it. My dad and stepmom seem to think this is perfectly acceptable and have made no effort to make Jacob return it to Anna. I wouldn’t have a problem if Anna were sharing it with Jacob, but I didn’t buy the gaming system for it to be given over to him. I am ready to ask my dad and stepmom to either make him return it to Anna or reimburse me for the cost of it so I can buy her a new one. Thoughts?

—Confiscated Console

Dear Confiscated,

If I were you, and I had the money (and that’s a big if! I myself was recently shocked to learn the sticker price of one of these consoles), I’d just go ahead and buy Anna a new one. And I’d give it to her without explanation. (I’m sure everyone will get the message.) Of course, if your dad and stepmom have any sense of fairness—and they can afford it—they’ll step up and reimburse you for the one that ended up as Jacob’s. But I wouldn’t count on that, given how you say they reacted to Jacob taking possession of Anna’s gift in the first place. (Perhaps they have their reasons for being chill about this? Perhaps these are reasons they’d rather not discuss with you?)

If they can’t afford it—and you can—I’d let this go and learn from the experience (i.e., from this point on, if you want to give your sister a big, expensive gift that is for her use only, I would make sure it’s something that couldn’t possibly be used by, or of use to, her brother). But even if they can afford it, but don’t offer to reimburse you, I’d let it go. Of course they should tell their son to return your gift to his sister! But asking them to do so is another matter. Family estrangements have occurred over far less. I’d hate for you and your dad to join those ranks.

Now, if buying your little sister a Switch was the sort of once-in-a-lifetime expense that would be absurd to repeat—i.e., you can’t afford to buy another one—I suggest that you first gingerly approach your dad and stepmom (because it doesn’t sound like you’ve talked to them about it at all yet; all your information appears to have come from your sister), let them know that you know that Jacob has put Anna’s gift in his room and doesn’t let her use it, and ask them to help you come up with a solution to this problem. Perhaps they will offer on their own to buy a second console—or perhaps they’ll get defensive. (You’ll never know unless you bring it up with them directly.) If this doesn’t get you anywhere, the next step would be to talk to the children, together. I wouldn’t scold Jacob or demand an explanation for his behavior. I would only remind him that the Switch was Anna’s birthday gift, that it was no small feat for you to pay for it, and that if he wants to use it sometimes he can negotiate that with his sister. But it belongs to her, not him (and the first order of business is to move it back into her room).

(You can see why I hope you can afford to buy a second one.)

By the way: If you want to try to make sense of this whole peculiar situation—for your own peace of mind, and for the future—it may be worth giving some thought to what you know and don’t know about Jacob, his parents’ relationship with him, and the possible differences between that relationship and the one they have with their daughter. It’s probably worth giving some thought to your relationship with your dad and stepmom, too. And to your relationship with their son. (Do you, by any chance, treat him drastically differently from the way you treat their daughter? Your careful employment of the “half-” with every invocation of “brother” and “sister” gives me pause, I’ll confess.)

As far as the aforementioned gifts go, I can think of plenty of things that would not be “appropriated” by Jacob because they wouldn’t fit him (a ring, say, or a cool pair of sneakers). Or, better yet, forget about things altogether and go for experiences, which to my mind are always the nicest gifts anyway: the pleasures of a concert, a play, or just a fancy dinner out are remembered longer than any objects are.

And if you would like to think of yourself as a kind, generous, and loving person, please don’t ignore Jacob when it comes to his birthday. (You haven’t said you have, so forgive me for suggesting this if you’ve already made efforts toward your dad’s stepson. He is part of your family, too.)

—Michelle

Comments

[conuly]

1. God, Dad's an ass. But yeah, singing is something you can learn how to do better. I've heard kids go from "I have no idea where the melody is" to "You can definitely tell what I'm singing and I'm only a little off-key" without any sort of help or formal lessons or anything, or even much practice.

2. Michelle's advice is fairly awful. That said, I think all the adults here have behaved badly.

First, LW should not buy her sister very expensive presents, especially not if she doesn't get the same level of present for her stepbrother who is close in age to her sister and whom she's known longer than he can remember. Like, I get that some people are really big on blood relationships, but I've never felt like flaunting it is a good look. And the parents should've said "No, that's too expensive, get something more reasonable".

That said, they okayed this present. Would it have been more appropriate to wait until it could be given as a family present, kept in a public room and shared between the two kids? Yes, I think so - but that's not what happened. This is Anna's present, and Jacob should never have been allowed to use it without permission, much less take it into his bedroom. The parents absolutely should replace the console if they're not willing to take it back from the boy.

[lilysea]

I'm wondering if the Dad has genuine sensory issues with the singing.

There's a world of difference between

a) "I do not find this singing aesthetically pleasing/I do not find this singing enjoyable"

vs

b) "this singing is a migraine trigger"

c) or "this singing risks pushing me into sensory overload/sensory meltdown"

and describing it as "like nails on a chalkboard" makes me wonder if it is b) or c)

The amount of singing that it is reasonable to expect Dad (or any adult) to politely tolerate is very different for

a) versus b) or c.

[yalovetz]

Even if it is a sensory issue for the Dad, that's on him to manage with eg. ear plugs or noise cancelling headphones, not shame and stifle his child's creative joy.

[jack]

I was thinking this. The solutions end up much the same. But easier if Dad *realises* (and admits) this is the problem: they can try explaining Dad has sensitive ears, don't sing around Dad atm, or warn Dad, or teach Dad coping strategies.

[minoanmiss]

Well, thre's toleration and toleration. Dad seems to have no other ideas than to stop the kid from singing at all (and it doesn't sound like he's kind about it), not even sending her outside/finding her another outlet such as the Children's Choir/getting himself headphones.. I know how crushed I was as a child when my parents discouraged some of my hobbies.

[cimorene]

All this is spot on for letter 2. It might not be a bad idea to give big birthday presents in general, but it IS a very bad idea for one child to receive a desirable present like a Switch, ipod, hoverboard, Furby - anything that is highly on demand and expensive - when a sibling two years apart from them doesn't have one. If he already has another handheld gaming device that's just his, or the family's, then it's only a little bit bad although I can totally still see him grabbing the Switch because it's new. But if this is the only one in the house, you can't just give that to one of them, what the hell were the parents thinking? Or maybe they were thinking it's a sharing family where every toy is for taking turns, which would've been arguably okay if they hadn't let him take it into his room. Even if there's a big gaming console at the tv, this device was going to cause problems.

[beable]

I didnt check the slate comments for the switch letter, but I wouldnt be surprised if part of the parents laissez faire attitude is the gendered “but of course video games are for boys” thing, so it makes sense for Jacob to play with it more vibe.

[lilysea]

It could also be that Jacob is The More Favoured Child, either because he's a boy or for some other reason.

[dissectionist]

I find it weird that the columnist chides LW2 for the use of “half-“, when it’s used exactly once for Anna and once for Jacob to clarify their relationships to LW and each other, and after that their names are used exclusively. The columnist made it sound like LW2 was throwing “half-“ around like rice grains at a wedding.

[nineveh_uk]

Columnists frequently seems to chide LWs for specifying half- or step-siblings (or sometimes step-children), it's a great way to get in the compulsory telling the LW they are really the one at fault.

[dissectionist]

Ahhh. Okay, it makes sense now. It was like when I specified once that one of my friends was Black, in the context of discussing an incident of racism that was directed at her while I was there, and I got very snidely told by someone (white) listening, “Well, I just think of _my_ friends as _people_, not their race,” as if my identifying her Blackness and my lack of colorblindness* was the issue and not the racism she’d faced.

So putting it into that context - we’re going to bring up your use of identifiers that provide context so that we can use that to cast blame on you and ascribe intentions you didn’t have - makes a lot of sense to me.

* There’s been a lot written about how pretending of “colorblindness” from white people is another form of racism, so I don’t need to address it here.

[nineveh_uk]

we’re going to bring up your use of identifiers that provide context so that we can use that to cast blame on you and ascribe intentions you didn’t have

Yes, that's it exactly.

[conuly]

I got very snidely told by someone (white) listening, “Well, I just think of _my_ friends as _people_, not their race,”

Oh god, why are some people.

[minoanmiss]

“Well, I just think of _my_ friends as _people_, not their race,” as if my identifying her Blackness and my lack of colorblindness* was the issue and not the racism she’d faced.

*elaborately rolls my eyes*
*agrees with you in all particulars*

[harpers_child]

Pet peeve for letter 1, but around here "opportunities to sing, and chances for her to learn to sing on key and how to achieve breath support for singing" is called voice lessons. I should know. I've got more than one relative who teaches them as part or all of their income. Voice lessons for an 8 year old won't hurt her voice any more than joining a choir will.

[dissectionist]

Yep, that was odd. Kids get voice lessons all the time, and any choir that isn’t just a bunch of kids hollering is going to be teaching vocal skills through voice training.

[minoanmiss]

Yes this.

[zavodilaterrarium]

For the second letter, I don’t particularly get the vibe that LW2 ‘s been neglecting Jacob, we’d need a lot more information for that. It was literally Anna’s birthday. I’m not one for expensive gifts but I know people who are and there’s nothing wrong with coordinating with the parents to decide on what type of expensive gift would be viable. Not like you’re gonna fight over Quinceañera gifts when it’s not your birthday.

[magid]

For 2, I really did not like how the first reaction was just “buy a second one”. This was a big gift for a birthday; there shouldn’t be an expectation that LW should buy a second one just because/for parity, rather than as a birthday gift when the other kid’s birthday rolls around, for instance. The parents need to step up here. (And if they can’t get the kid to stop keeping it in his room because they’re not big on actually parenting, perhaps it will move to LW’s house so Anna can use it on visits there?)

[green_grrl]

Right? That’s a huge assumption. But if LW could afford it, maybe when Jacob’s birthday rolls around… give a Switch to Anna. Pointed lesson to Jacob and the parents, and Anna gets a Switch.