agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Prudence,

My parents preferred my siblings my whole life. I was never abused, but they just weren’t as interested in me. They said my school events were too boring, but went to every game my siblings played in. I had everything I needed at home; I never went without food or essentials. But I didn’t get much attention, and I never got focused on time together like my siblings did.

They gave me a small amount of help with college, but I also took out loans and got scholarships. Both my siblings got fully paid for undergraduate degrees. I got a $200 check to help me with my first home, while both siblings got fully covered 20 percent down payments. They prioritized my siblings emotionally and financially, and eventually, I accepted that it wasn’t changing.

I dealt with this through therapy, and building my own support network of friends. My husband and I are close with his parents. My dad passed away during the pandemic. My mom died suddenly a few months ago, and I’m still processing it. I really wish we could have been close, and knowing that the door is closed forever hurts. She hired a professional to manage her estate, and I assumed she would do in death what she did in life. I didn’t expect to receive much.

Instead, I’m apparently receiving 3/4 of her estate, and an apology. It’s not millions, but it is shocking and I don’t know what to think. My siblings, with whom I’ve had a vague, surface-level relationship as adults, are furious. My husband says it’s late but deserved, while my siblings say it’s selfish and clearly Mom wasn’t in her right mind. Meanwhile, I’m just sad that she didn’t act in life, and instead left me an apology after death. How do I handle this?

—Sad on the Seacoast

Dear Sad,

Downgrade your relationship with your siblings from “surface-level” to “very distant.” Take the money and book a great vacation for you and your husband and the small handful of friends who treat you the way you wish your family of origin would have. Or even your in-laws, if you love and enjoy them. I’m really happy to hear you’ve already had therapy to deal with the way you were treated by your family. Now, it’s time to invest in the relationships that remind you that despite your parents’ beliefs, you’re just as valuable as anyone else. Money doesn’t buy happiness, but in this case, it can definitely buy some quality time with people who think you’re great. Contrary to what your family might believe, you deserve that.

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This should've been directed to Pay Dirt.

LW should take a sum that represents 1/3 of the total estate and invest it sensibly, with the help of a financial planner. Then they should talk to a lawyer about shoving the rest of it in escrow until the siblings are done throwing their tantrum, because there is exactly zero chance they won't contest the will.

(Also? Yes, LW, you were abused. You were, you were, you were. Treating one child substantially worse than the others, even if you technically meet their physical needs and nobody ever has to call child services, is still emotional abuse.)

So much this.

Also I am getting Fake Letter vibes here. I mean, really. This is a novel, not an advice column letter. Should be complete with long lost step-sibling/cousin/business partner who may or may not end up in a romance.

They could all be fake for all we know.

I actually don't think it's a fake letter - we've certainly seen a million letters about parents treating their kids un-equally.

Oh LW, for whatever reason, you were emotionally abused. A post-death apology is better than nothing, but still. Your mother had time to make amends but chose not to until too late. That's on her, not you.

Your siblings will try to come after your inheritance. Don't let them. They got theirs while your parents were alive. Now is the time to document that. Meanwhile, focus on the family that actually loves and cares for you, far better than your own ever did.