You Can Be Warm Without an Embrace

[magid]

From the NYTimes’ Social Q’s; gift link here. Posting because yay for boundaries!

I recently saw an occasional collaborator — with whom I’ve built a nice rapport — at a concert. When I approached him, I instinctively went in for a hug. His body stiffened, and he kept his arms at his sides. I thought: Oh, this was a mistake! I backed off, and we exchanged pleasantries. But his response felt excessive and rude. Should I let this go?

FRIEND

It’s easy to feel defensive — or chastened — when we accidentally overstep with friends. But it is wrong to blame others for our unwanted touching. Your collaborator had no obligation to return your hug or to make you feel better about it. So, to answer your question: No, you shouldn’t let this go. Instead, rethink your instinct to hug people who you aren’t sure will welcome it.

Comments

[mrissa]

There are all sorts of techniques you can practice for ascertaining whether a hug is welcome, too.

You can ask if they're up for a hug today and normalize "not today thanks!" as a response in your social circles. (Why "today"? because people do not have to answer that question for all time.)

You can throw your hands wide in the air and exclaim their name--this leaves room for them to exclaim your name while doing other body language things that do not include stepping toward you, opening their arms, etc. When someone does this gesture with me and I don't want to hug them, I keep my hands between my body and their body as I gesture back--nope, no room for hugging here, you get to stay over there now!

You can just not hug people you would describe as "an occasional collaborator" rather than "a friend" or "a close friend" or "one of my closest friends." You can do things like saying, "It's so good to see you!", smiling widely, waving wildly, etc.

So many options!

Possibly it helps that I am totally unafraid of looking like a dork, but also: better a dork who is happy to see them and their personal space.

[magid]

All of this!

LW seems to be rather judgy of other folks’ preferences if they aren’t the same as theirs, and there are so many other options!

[movingfinger]

In these COVID times, the huggy people still need to learn to keep themselves to themselves.

[magid]

Even without the health aspect, though.

[bookblather]

Word. I am a huggy person and yet I am somehow capable of not hugging people who don't want to be hugged. It is possible, LW! You can do it!

[minoanmiss]

Indeed!

[rachelkg]

It's not "excessive" to just *be uncomfortable*. Which is all he did! LW hugged him and he stood there being uncomfortable until LW stopped! That is basically the smallest possible response to an unwanted hug (once the perpetrator has completed the grab; there are often smaller ways to deflect/decline impending hugs).

Maybe the collaborator has skills that would have allowed him to choose to conceal his discomfort from LW, and if so using them would have made that moment easier for LW. But quite likely his freezing up was more literally instinctive than going in for a hug had been. Also, if he'd concealed his discomfort in the moment there would then be a choice between leaving LW under the impression that he welcomes that sort of hugs or having an awkward/embarassing conversation about it later.

[bookblather]

This is another excellent point! LW is taking this way too personally when they're the one who went over the line.

[magid]

I don’t think LW even ended up hugging the other person, but backed off before the hugging started, seeing the other person’s reaction, and was offended by that.

[conuly]

But his response felt excessive and rude. Should I let this go?

LW's response is excessive and rude.

[minoanmiss]

Word.