More mostly useless advice!

[conuly]

DEAR HARRIETTE: As parents, I'm sure most of us have experienced a squabble or disagreement between our kids. I definitely have, but they're usually short-lived. Currently, two of my girls aren't speaking and haven't been for a few months. This all started because my older daughter made a joke about me owing her back pay because my younger daughter's college tuition was more expensive than hers. My younger daughter, who is usually quite docile, blew up at the comment. She called her older sister ungrateful, rude and spoiled. They argued like I've never seen before, and they haven't spoken since. I tried talking to my younger daughter about it, but she won't apologize. I don't think her sentiments were wrong; the joke was in poor taste. I think as a family we should never be so hostile toward each other. How do I get my girls back on track? -- Family Disagreement

DEAR FAMILY DISAGREEMENT: Rather than continuing to fish for apologies, look for a way forward. It can start by you bringing the two of them together to address the topic that sparked it all. State that you have cared for each of your daughters to the best of your ability and individually based on their needs. It pains you to see that there would be any jealousy or envy sparked by how you provided for their education -- or anything else, for that matter.

Tell them that family must come first. Yes, there will be arguments and disagreements, just as they recently had. That's life. But family should be more valuable than any squabble. Ask them to forgive each other for any hurtful words or actions and to commit to reclaiming their sisterhood. Sometimes you just have to let go of the past. Invite them to do that.

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Comments

[conuly]

LW shouldn't just appoint themself in the role of mediator for two people who do not wish to have their argument mediated.

However, since LW's done so already then they should know that they won't have a chance of making any progress until and unless they accurately understand the source of the conflict. And I don't know what the source of the conflict is, but I sure know what it isn't, and it isn't the tuition or the joke. That's clearly just the tip of the iceberg for whatever issues there are between the two of them.

(And why is it that LW apparently only wants the younger girl to apologize when her sister is clearly more in the wrong?)

[movingfinger]

LW and Harriette could start by recognizing that the quarreling parties are adults, not "girls." I expected teens at most.

The older daughter's "joke" wasn't funny at all. Sounds like a favoritism problem, not solved by "faaamily must come first."

[cimorene]

This.

[topaz_eyes]

There are perfectly valid reasons why one child's postsecondary tuition costs more than a sibling's (eg program, type of school, location of school, whether one child had scholarships, etc). But Younger Sister's comment definitely indicates something more serious and long-term going on.

She called her older sister ungrateful, rude and spoiled is the kind of comment an unfavoured child imho might make to a favoured child who's gotten all the breaks yet still asks for more. LW seemed to take Older Sister's joke in stride until Younger Sister reacted so emotionally. LW needs to look at what kind of inter-sibling dynamics exist in their family; there could be a pattern LW isn't seeing. They may need the help of a counsellor to identify the conflict.

[mrissa]

...docile?

I know people's vocabulary is not always up for what they want to say, but my alarm bells go off any time someone positively describes one of their offspring as DOCILE.

[conuly]

I didn't even see that. Gross.

[minoanmiss]

You took the words right off my fingers. *heartily and disgustedly concurs*

[otter]

Why should family come first? Sometimes family is the biggest problem, and is best left behind. I sure wouldn't have reacted well to my mother trying to mediate any conflict between my sister and me. I nearly disowned my sister when we were in out 20s and we negotiated our own truce that has allowed us some connection for the past 30+ years, but she's certainly not someone I'm that close to. These daughters are adults. Past the age when mom can teach them how to get along with one another. If mom wants to express her concerns to each daughter individually, sure. My mom had this unrealistic dream that my sister and I would grow up to be best friends, and she told us so when we were young adults. No way that was remotely possible, the way we fought our whole lives.