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My mother desperately wants grandchildren. I’m nearing 30 and have never wanted children; my partner feels the same way. We would both rather focus on our careers, and there are also some hereditary health conditions in our family — nothing life-threatening, but enough that we would rather not pass them on.
Despite knowing all this, my mother pressures us constantly. Every time I explain my position, she becomes distraught and insists I just don’t understand the joy a child would bring. She’s in poor physical and mental health, and these conversations quickly spiral into intense emotional distress. Any attempts at therapy have been flatly dismissed.
Now she’s saying that she’ll cut me out of her will if I don’t have a child. There’s not much money involved, but I worry that, if it comes to that, she might also cut off contact altogether. My sibling has already severed ties with my mother over her mental-health struggles. I want to keep my mother in my life, but I can’t stand the thought of this one issue dominating whatever time we have left together.
I’ve started to consider telling her I can’t have children because of fertility issues. That would be a lie, and I feel uneasy using something so many people genuinely struggle with as an excuse. Still, her fixation on grandchildren is seriously damaging our relationship. Should I lie to my mother to try to save our relationship, or keep telling the truth and watch things fall apart? — Name Withheld
Your mother is entitled to leave her estate to anyone she wishes, but using it as leverage this way is simply wrong. You have no obligation to give her grandchildren, no matter how deeply she wants them, and her refusal to accept your choices is clearly a problem.
But I would resist the temptation to lie. That’s not a sound foundation for any relationship. If your mother were truly unable to process reality, some compassionate deception might be justified. But this isn’t the situation you’re describing.
So I would explore a different approach. You might invite her to counseling or mediation, not to assign blame but to show that you care about your relationship and want to find a way forward that doesn’t involve pretending. Plainly, your mother could benefit from help that she’s not willing to accept, but in the absence of this, a neutral third party — a counselor or, if you’re religious, a cleric of some sort — might help prevent things from spiraling. Just having someone else in the room can be enough to keep the conversation on track.
You can’t control how your mother will react. What you can do is be honest about the life you’ve chosen. Not every family story goes the way parents hope, but clarity, at least, is something you can offer her and yourself.
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Despite knowing all this, my mother pressures us constantly. Every time I explain my position, she becomes distraught and insists I just don’t understand the joy a child would bring. She’s in poor physical and mental health, and these conversations quickly spiral into intense emotional distress. Any attempts at therapy have been flatly dismissed.
Now she’s saying that she’ll cut me out of her will if I don’t have a child. There’s not much money involved, but I worry that, if it comes to that, she might also cut off contact altogether. My sibling has already severed ties with my mother over her mental-health struggles. I want to keep my mother in my life, but I can’t stand the thought of this one issue dominating whatever time we have left together.
I’ve started to consider telling her I can’t have children because of fertility issues. That would be a lie, and I feel uneasy using something so many people genuinely struggle with as an excuse. Still, her fixation on grandchildren is seriously damaging our relationship. Should I lie to my mother to try to save our relationship, or keep telling the truth and watch things fall apart? — Name Withheld
Your mother is entitled to leave her estate to anyone she wishes, but using it as leverage this way is simply wrong. You have no obligation to give her grandchildren, no matter how deeply she wants them, and her refusal to accept your choices is clearly a problem.
But I would resist the temptation to lie. That’s not a sound foundation for any relationship. If your mother were truly unable to process reality, some compassionate deception might be justified. But this isn’t the situation you’re describing.
So I would explore a different approach. You might invite her to counseling or mediation, not to assign blame but to show that you care about your relationship and want to find a way forward that doesn’t involve pretending. Plainly, your mother could benefit from help that she’s not willing to accept, but in the absence of this, a neutral third party — a counselor or, if you’re religious, a cleric of some sort — might help prevent things from spiraling. Just having someone else in the room can be enough to keep the conversation on track.
You can’t control how your mother will react. What you can do is be honest about the life you’ve chosen. Not every family story goes the way parents hope, but clarity, at least, is something you can offer her and yourself.
Link
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What LW needs to do is learn how to stop these conversations in their tracks or, if that's not possible, how to leave immediately as soon as they start. And that requires somebody better than The Ethicist, who by the way doesn't seem to have read that Mom won't do therapy.
Firm boundaries can save a relationship with a parent. They do not have to be the first step towards estrangement.
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Relatedly, I feel like when someone's stated goal is to not spend all their time on this issue, proposing a solution that would take between substantial and infinite time is again the advice columnist NOT DOING THEIR JOB. We have no reason to think that someone who has LW's mom's position would EVER change their position, so why on earth would LW want to spend hours upon hours of therapy justifying something that requires no justification? Just a weird fail on the columnist's part.
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Well ...
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Plainly, your mother could benefit from help that she’s not willing to accept -- The Ethicist suggests mediation but I'm not sure what that can accomplish in this case, because this issue is not something either Mom or LW will compromise on. But LW doesn't have to compromise here. Mom does.
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This mom is definitely being unhinged. LW doesn't owe anybody children they don't want. I agree that these conversations just need to be stopped in their tracks.
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The grandchild pressure is super toxic.
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it didnt work out. it contributed to our divorce and it wound up being my exhusbands fault lol
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But that is the mother’s choice. She’s already ruined this relationship. It’s time for “I will leave if you even mention grandchildren” —- or maybe an air horn.
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Potential grandma needs to focus on getting her needs met herself, rather than through her children. Perhaps she can volunteer with a local group that helps kids?
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