agonyaunt | (no subject)

(no subject)

Dear Carolyn: A friend and colleague has been MIA at work and in our friend circle for weeks. She claims she hurt her back, is in pain and having procedures and and and… And this has her missing meetings and deadlines and happy hour and dropping all the balls. She has not told anyone exactly what happened with her back. She said she was doing some light housework when it just hurt all of a sudden, which sounds ridiculous to me and everyone else I know. We don’t know what “procedures” she has had. We don’t know when she will get back to normal. We’re not talking about an old person here; she is 43! I called her the other day and I could hear the TV on, during the workday, which she turned off or muted when she took my call.

I feel like she is lying or exaggerating to get out of work — while not taking formal leave or PTO, because we can work remotely — and she is blowing off her friends and colleagues while we pick up the slack for her at the office and make her excuses at social functions. How do I figure out what’s really going on with her, and get her to do her own work again so I don’t have to fill in for someone who is home watching TV while I’m busting my you-know-what?

— Busting My You-Know-What

Busting My You-Know-What: Oh good, you checked with Dr. Everyonelse I. Know.

Either she is not much of a friend, or you aren’t. This is my guess. Because as a reason to be out of commission like this “for weeks,” her backstory does have some holes in it.

But the holes are not the ones you’re calling out. These injuries can mess someone up for weeks, and age has nothing to do with it. (Tell me it isn’t really news to you that even teens can be laid up with back problems.) And anyone who has triggered a bout of lower-back agony by picking up a stray sock will tell you there’s nothing “ridiculous” about your friend’s explanation. Your gotchas sound disingenuous, frankly — not unlike the harrumphing of someone who has done this exact thing and is now projecting. If you haven’t, then consider this incentive to tone it down.

Anyway — the holes I’m talking about are just that she’s withholding so much from her people, for so long. That could be a problem on her side or on yours. She could be dishonest, yes, and taking wild advantage, or distrust you for good reason. I have no way of knowing which. It certainly isn’t a good look for you to be ridicule-testing her story with anyone who will listen, apparently, and assuming the worst of her before entertaining other possibilities.

Some of those possibilities: She really did hurt her back. Or she’s depressed or otherwise legitimately ill with something she’d rather not share. Or has some other valid non-health-related challenge keeping her home that she prefers to keep private. If this were my friend and colleague, then I’d be thinking about context right now, flowchart style:

· Do I know her to be genuine, or is this merely the latest from a known taker?

·· If it’s the former, then I need to stop questioning her integrity. Action: Offer my help sincerely.

·· If it’s the latter, then I need to stop pretending we’re friends. Action: Let her supervisor handle it.

· If we’re not close enough for me to be sure, then would I want the benefit of the doubt in her place? Action: Stop calling her “ridiculous” and patiently mind your business and temporary workload as it plays out.

Regardless, practice defaulting to kinder thoughts.

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1. The only thing on that list of things Friend is missing that actually matters is "deadlines". Meetings probably don't matter. Happy hour certainly doesn't.

2. Many people watch TV or listen to something while they work. Some claim it helps them work better. I personally find that hard to believe, I'll be honest - but it's not my work so it's not my business, is it?

3. Friend is under absolutely no obligation to detail the specifics of her injuries and treatment to these busybodies or anybody else! FFS! The absolute entitled nerve of some people!

4. Friend probably has no idea when she'll be "back to normal" either.

5. I don't know about all of you, but I generally find that my life is just better when I try to assume the best of people. Obviously I sometimes am let down by that assumption, but usually I find that it's the better option.

5, definitely, but also, why is LW so obsessed with the details of this woman's health in the first place? Extremely weird behavior.

Right? Like, I have very little care for privacy about this sort of thing*, and I still wouldn't tell her shit because her interest is too weird and prurient.

* For myself, obviously I respect other people's boundaries and if I'm not sure I default to being more circumspect than not.

Especially since the motive seems to be "get all the deets, find inconsistencies, then pull a Columbo" rather than curiosity or sympathy or whatever

I'm actually someone who can focus better if there's something going on in the background, so I'll often have YT or music playing when working (or TV when reading for pleasure), so that's not a stretch for me.

Yeah if this was an AAM letter I would focus in on "missing deadlines and dropping balls at work while working remotely but not taking any leave". That's still a "check in with their manager" problem not an "is my friend lying about a disability" problem, though.

And given that "happy hour" is the only non-work thing named, I wonder how much "in our friend circle" is an exaggeration here too.

This is what I was going to say. This sounds like a very mean spirited person who has no idea what back problems can be.

If the LW is upset about their workload, take it up with the boss.

On all the other stuff, MYOB and try to be nice for heaven's sake.

If we could ask the injured person, I wonder if she would call LW a "friend?" Rather than a colleague who is in her extended social group?

If LW is feeling overwhelmed by the extra work they've had to take on because of the missing colleague, then LW should bring it up with their supervisor. In the meantime, LW should also grow some compassion.

LW should bring it up with their supervisor.

Who is the only person that Friend is obligated to tell literally *anything* to, and who has a positive responsibility to keep their confidence on this matter.

If you don't have live feed of every procedure you go through available on the public internet, you're probably lying, and it's probably for shady reasons. The human back is a perfect mechanism that has never hurt any human, and anyone who claims otherwise is lying. You, LW, are one of the world's perfect angels and should feel great about all your life choices, especially since you're apparently surrounded by lesser beings.

I mean, who can imagine MISSING A SOCIAL FUNCTION just because of PAIN or something? obviously sus.

I wish I could send LW all the physical pain that I experience over a 12 month period.

I bet she'd change her tune.

(Do I want LW to experience excruciating physical pain? Yes, yes I do. It seems like it's the only way she'll learn that pain is real, and disabling, not just an excuse.)

If I get a magical wish I'll hand it over to you for this purpose.

Tempted tho I'd be,

if you gave me a wish I think I'd use it for

1) A cure for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/Myalgic Encephalomyelitis for all human beings on the planet; or

2) If that wasn't possible, a cure for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/Myalgic Encephalomyelitis just for me

but I appreciate the thought! ^_^

cheers you on

Man, there are so many wishes I'd wish:

Any human who is pregnant who does not want to be can instantly and painlessly become not pregnant just by saying "I don't want to be pregnant" out loud in private;

Any human who is hungry and can't afford food can get all their physical needs met by photosynthesising sunlight;

Trans people could instantly and painlessly change their body to exactly what they wanted it to be just by imagining it

I really like your wishes. dreams with you

Any human who is pregnant who does not want to be can instantly and painlessly become not pregnant just by saying "I don't want to be pregnant" out loud in private;

Perhaps this is mean-spirited, but I’d like it if that pregnancy energy is transferred to an anti-choicer. Just like, poof, spontaneous pregnancy. They want to force everyone else to deal with unwanted pregnancies, so now they can catch all these unwanted pregnancies left and right. May they be so busy shedding themselves of unwanted pregnancies, they have no time for anything else.

That sucks for the soon to be baby though, to grow up with a resentful antichoicer

Since this is magic anyway, how about phantom pregnancy -- all the symptoms, no actual baby forming

Nah, they get abortions just like the rest of us, they just lie about it afterward and pretend it didn’t happen. They wouldn’t actually be carrying any of those pregnancies for longer than it took to say the magic words.

But the hilarious thing is that since it’s only going to another anti-choicer, they’d be cursing each other with pregnancies, passing them around like white elephant gifts that nobody wants, *and* having to deal with the onslaught of pregnancies coming from pro-choice people. Eventually there would be such a vortex of pregnancy energy, every waking second would be spent fending off pregnancy.

Ah, here we go. This is what was in my mind when I said they have abortions like the rest of us; I’m glad to see it’s still on the Internet, though it’s decades old at this point. https://joycearthur.com/abortion/the-only-moral-abortion-is-my-abortion/

3. And if they don’t want to change their bodies, that’s okay too and nobody cares one way or anotger

I mean, who can imagine MISSING A SOCIAL FUNCTION just because of PAIN or something? obviously sus.

But LW has to make her excuses at happy hour!!!! The idea of just not doing that if it's such a burden obviously hasn't occurred to them.

Yeah, seriously, what would happen if LW just said, "I don't know, you'll have to ask her?" every time someone asked LW about Friend?

If Friend has not asked her to spread medical news around, it's even more considerate.

LW May have a legit grievance with increased workload, but the fault is not with their coworker, but with their company management who has staffed the place in a fashion such that one person being out makes LW miserable.

It’s a lot riskier to take this irritation out on management though, so disappointed but not surprised they’re scapegoating the wrong person! 🤪

Carolyn Hax is such a weird advice column choice for this complaint too. I read her stuff fairly often and she's almost always on the side of "it's not your business and try thinking the best." I can't help but wonder what LW was expecting.

Subconscious desire that the advice columnist should encourage them to be better than they are? (not serious)

I was literally just telling my physical therapist today that I have injured my back by brushing my teeth, so now I have to do it lying down.

90% of my pain tends to be triggered by things like “slept on it wrong,” rather than some easily-traceable traumatic event!

Ooof, that sounds terrible and I hope you can brush your teeth not lying down soon.

I hurt my back in my early twenties by bending over while washing the car. 20+ years later it still flares up and has never been completely back to normal. I absolutely believe someone in their 40s could have randomly fucked up their back doing housework.

I'm in my 40s, and recently I managed to do something to my back while singing in a concert that meant I couldn't get off the bed next day, even with the help of my 6'3" husband, and we ended up having to call an ambulance because that was the only way I was going to get enough pain relief to move (gas and air). So yes, I believe LW's colleague!

Edited 2025-08-19 18:49 (UTC)

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