Carolyn Hax: Family disappointed in daughter for choosing science PhD over law

[conuly]

Dear Carolyn: My dad, uncle and grandfather are all lawyers, and I always thought I wanted to be one, too. Until I realized in college I was much more interested in science. I switched my major to microbiology and graduated with honors. Now I’m in my last year of my PhD program, but according to my dad, I’m a huge failure and a disappointment.

My younger cousin graduated from law school and joined the family law firm, and it’s all he can talk about. My mom said I shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up all those years I said I wanted to be a lawyer. They also are still complaining that my switching majors cost them extra tuition. It’s not like I pulled a deliberate bait-and-switch; I changed my mind.

When my dad asked what my plans were and I told him I’d be looking for a postdoc position, he said I was going to waste my life in academia and never make any real money.

I think most parents would be overjoyed their daughter is getting a doctorate, but mine act like I’m a dropout and a failure. There’s no way to make your parents supportive or proud of you, though, is there?

— Changed My Mind

Changed My Mind: Not having these parents’ support sounds like a compliment. I’m sorry. Your dad’s ego is bad enough, but the flights of absurdity your mom undertook to normalize it were a thing to behold. A Blue Angel of enablers. Sweet deity.

You can’t make them stop complaining about your PhD (!), but you can take your ears somewhere blissfully free of their strain of narcissistic jerkery at its onset. First whisper thereof. Every time. Except when your dad asks about your work. Then say, always, verbatim, “Wasting my life in academia and not making any real money.”

I realize trashing your parents is complicated; no doubt there’s love there, plus parental approval carries special weight. (Like a third doughnut.) But there’s nothing defensible in their behavior — except perhaps in its power to motivate you to go all in on backing yourself.

If détente is what you want, then don’t underestimate the power of your father’s vanity as a pathway back in: “Pop, take some credit for the intellectual variety of the gene pool.” And since apparently it has occurred to no one in that pool to say this: Congratulations.

Some comments from other commenters follow:

Re: PhD: My parents don’t understand my PhD, either. Mine is in studying fire. My mother literally referred to me as a “pyro” throughout grad school and my postdoc. Now that I have a rather prestigious full-time position, I have been upgraded to “scientist.”

I can’t help bring your parents around — they either will or won’t on their own — but I can say there are jobs out there they can’t even imagine. All they know of, probably, are the terribly paid and exploited adjunct professor positions in the news. They are worried about you and showing it in the worst way possible. Hopefully. - Scientist

Thanks. Not bad for a pyro.

For PhD: If it makes you feel any better, my father said “I hope this is not the end of your academic career” during my law school graduation. Why, yes, he has a PhD. — Lawyer

Lawyer: Can we get the two dads together? (And then run?)

Re: PhD: Please stop going to a well that is dry. You are asking for approval, acceptance, even an “I’m happy for you,” and neither of your parents has it to give. Cultivate other relationships that are genuinely supportive. -Anonymous

Re: Pyro: Now, now. That is Dr. Pyro to you.— Dr. Pyro

Dr. Pyro: Right. My bad.

Link

Comments

[conuly]

The advice is great, I just want to take a minute to marvel at LW's asshole, asshole parents. Such fucking assholes.

[princessofgeeks]

Yes!!!

I love the advice to repeat back "Wasting my life in academia."

[sushiflop]

I want to reach through the screen and strangle LW's parents. Instructively.

If I could say anything to LW it would be that they've achieved something amazing, and that though they deserve love and accolades from their family, they will be waiting a long time to get that. It's time, as bitter and sad as it might be, to accept that being true to themselves means disappointing their parents; they need to find a support group elsewhere. And that group will be out there.

[pauraque]

There’s no way to make your parents supportive or proud of you, though, is there?

There sure isn't.

[topaz_eyes]

LW's parents are pieces of work, sheesh. "Bait and switch" re changing degrees? Wow. Low contact may be the way to go for LW's own peace of mind.

[mrissa]

I have a godchild leaving for college this month, and all of their adults keep saying to them, "We hope this university and this major are perfect for you and you love them, but if not, you can change either or both," and I feel like this was a very, very low bar for us to clear, and then I read about other families.

[conuly]

What we told the kids is that for most purposes, a bachelor's is a bachelor's is a bachelor's, so you may as well study what you think you'll enjoy, and that if it's really not for you then, well, the trades always pay well and we personally would appreciate having a literally in-house electrician. (The older kiddo didn't go quite that far, more's the pity, but they studied horticulture and seem to be happy with that choice.)

[petrea_mitchell]

Dr. Pyro wins the chat.

[minoanmiss]

I wonder if it would help LW's parents pull their heads out of their asses to tell them that my parents made me feel like I had to be a doctor or nothing and that my bachelor's was a failure so I gave up on any advance degrees at all?

Probably not.

LW, I'll adopt you. I'm already proud of you. And three cheers for Dr Pyro!

[conuly]

Every time you mention your parents I hate them a little more. They're lucky you're willing to so much as give them the time of day.

[minoanmiss]

wry smile hugs you gratefully

My parents did a lot of good for thousands of kids. Sometimes I wonder if it balances out what they did to me.

[bikergeek]

Your parents had ONE JERB and it was to raise a daughter who was free to figure out who she was and what she wanted from life, and free to become the best and happiest version of herself. That was their ONE JERB. Anything else came second.

[conuly]

No, it doesn't.

[bikergeek]

You too, huh? Yeah.

[green_grrl]

Maybe LW can switch families with an Asian American student whose parents wish they were in science and not law. Parental disappointment in high-achieving children is SO weird!

[conuly]

Here, take a sci-fi short story.

[otter]

Thank you for that !

[green_grrl]

Oh, this is so good! Should be sent to LW’s parents…

[cereta]

Oh, nifty!

[liv]

Oh wow that's an awesome story! Really chilling. I'm really glad it happened to be relevant to this discussion, thank you so much for pointing it out.

[minoanmiss]

Oh my god I needed to read that

[lucymonster]

I guess this is my regularly scheduled, very much unwelcome reminder that some people in the world are simply determined to be unhappy. Imagine being disappointed that your child discovered their calling in fucking microbiology. I won’t be disappointed if my children choose to spend their whole work lives as cashiers or truck drivers, because all I want is for them to be happy and not everyone is career-oriented. But a microbiology PhD is the kind of soaring high achievement that even the most narcissistic, status-obsessed parent ought to be satisfied with. Bloody hell I want to hug LW.

[conuly]

This, a million times.

[castiron]

Getting a PhD means one is a failure and a disappointment. Right. What planet do LW's parents live on?

(And law school isn't exactly a guarantee of a lucrative career these days either, even if LW did have the possibility of a place in the family firm.)

I hope LW has an epic and happy career in microbiology and that in her Nobel acceptance speech she says "My dad thinks I'm a failure and a disappointment. Sucks to be you, Dad!"

[conuly]

Law school's never been a guarantee of a lucrative career in my lifetime. A decent career, maybe, but you can't be assured of a lucrative career unless you're a top student at a top school. If you're some middling student at a no-name school then you'll likely have a middling law career - and by the way, I gotta say, joining the family firm? I wouldn't do that unless I had no other options, not with this family.

[conuly]

Also, relevant youtube video ahoy.