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I genuinely don't know how LW hasn't smothered their mom yet
Dear Annie: I have a frustrating problem with my mother. I'm 40 years old, but she still treats me like I'm a teenager. She expects me to answer every call immediately and freaks out if I'm unavailable, often roping in my cousin to text me if I don't respond since my mom doesn't know how.
This has been going on since I was a teen. When I was 18, I was expected to call when I left or arrived anywhere. I once forgot to call her after leaving a bookstore, and by the time I got to the library, I was accosted by three separate employees saying my mother had been calling. My aunt and cousin think it's a cute story, not infuriating like I do.
Last year, I mentioned I was heading to Walmart. Remember that I'm 40. I didn't check my phone for 10 whole minutes, and in that short time, my mom called several times and had our cousin text to "see if I was OK."
Most recently, I missed a text and then a call from my cousin -- she was picking me up -- because my phone was on silent after I got home from work and I'd stepped into the bathroom. My mom later confronted me about the "stunt" I pulled, how it was so rude I'd done that and told my cousin they shouldn't pick me up anymore.
How do I explain to her that she's suffocating me? I know she worries, but I'm 40 years old. I'm not a highly sought after princess the world is about to kidnap at any moment; I'm just another random person, not a highly coveted commodity. The more she does this, the more she pushes me away. -- Smothered in a Small Town
Dear Smothered: You're right to want some breathing room. No matter your age, your mom will always love and worry about you, but her anxiety shouldn't steamroll your independence.
The best way forward is to calmly communicate your boundaries. Let your mother know that you know she means well, but her overprotection has become exhausting and overwhelming. Be clear about what you need -- fewer calls, less panic and simply more trust in you. You're 40. You know how to take care of yourself, and you don't have to justify being unavailable now and then.
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This has been going on since I was a teen. When I was 18, I was expected to call when I left or arrived anywhere. I once forgot to call her after leaving a bookstore, and by the time I got to the library, I was accosted by three separate employees saying my mother had been calling. My aunt and cousin think it's a cute story, not infuriating like I do.
Last year, I mentioned I was heading to Walmart. Remember that I'm 40. I didn't check my phone for 10 whole minutes, and in that short time, my mom called several times and had our cousin text to "see if I was OK."
Most recently, I missed a text and then a call from my cousin -- she was picking me up -- because my phone was on silent after I got home from work and I'd stepped into the bathroom. My mom later confronted me about the "stunt" I pulled, how it was so rude I'd done that and told my cousin they shouldn't pick me up anymore.
How do I explain to her that she's suffocating me? I know she worries, but I'm 40 years old. I'm not a highly sought after princess the world is about to kidnap at any moment; I'm just another random person, not a highly coveted commodity. The more she does this, the more she pushes me away. -- Smothered in a Small Town
Dear Smothered: You're right to want some breathing room. No matter your age, your mom will always love and worry about you, but her anxiety shouldn't steamroll your independence.
The best way forward is to calmly communicate your boundaries. Let your mother know that you know she means well, but her overprotection has become exhausting and overwhelming. Be clear about what you need -- fewer calls, less panic and simply more trust in you. You're 40. You know how to take care of yourself, and you don't have to justify being unavailable now and then.
Link
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LW needs a step by step plan for ending this controlling behavior by their relatives. The advice given assumes way too much.
What a horrible situation for LW. She is a frog at the boiling point for sure.
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