I genuinely don't know how LW hasn't smothered their mom yet

[conuly]

Dear Annie: I have a frustrating problem with my mother. I'm 40 years old, but she still treats me like I'm a teenager. She expects me to answer every call immediately and freaks out if I'm unavailable, often roping in my cousin to text me if I don't respond since my mom doesn't know how.

This has been going on since I was a teen. When I was 18, I was expected to call when I left or arrived anywhere. I once forgot to call her after leaving a bookstore, and by the time I got to the library, I was accosted by three separate employees saying my mother had been calling. My aunt and cousin think it's a cute story, not infuriating like I do.

Last year, I mentioned I was heading to Walmart. Remember that I'm 40. I didn't check my phone for 10 whole minutes, and in that short time, my mom called several times and had our cousin text to "see if I was OK."

Most recently, I missed a text and then a call from my cousin -- she was picking me up -- because my phone was on silent after I got home from work and I'd stepped into the bathroom. My mom later confronted me about the "stunt" I pulled, how it was so rude I'd done that and told my cousin they shouldn't pick me up anymore.

How do I explain to her that she's suffocating me? I know she worries, but I'm 40 years old. I'm not a highly sought after princess the world is about to kidnap at any moment; I'm just another random person, not a highly coveted commodity. The more she does this, the more she pushes me away. -- Smothered in a Small Town

Dear Smothered: You're right to want some breathing room. No matter your age, your mom will always love and worry about you, but her anxiety shouldn't steamroll your independence.

The best way forward is to calmly communicate your boundaries. Let your mother know that you know she means well, but her overprotection has become exhausting and overwhelming. Be clear about what you need -- fewer calls, less panic and simply more trust in you. You're 40. You know how to take care of yourself, and you don't have to justify being unavailable now and then.

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Comments

[conuly]

The advice given would be an okay first step twenty years ago. Now, however, I feel like things have gone on so long that LW has no choice but to shock attack:

1. Contact Mom, Aunt, and Cousin and tell them that from now on, she is going on a phone diet - she won't answer the phone except for an hourlong window at the end of the workday, she'll check texts once in the morning and once at night, and that's it.

2. Tell Mom that if she tries to have Cousin or Aunt call or check in on her ever again, they're all getting blocked for a month.

3. Stop relying on family for carpooling.

4. Make a plan to move to some other town somewhere else.

[magid]

If 1-3 work, maybe 4 isn’t required?

But really, why should LW’s mom know about all of her errands before they happen? An info diet would be great here too. Instead of talking about what the plan is for upcoming errands, talk about what’s already done, or that cool book/new movie/interesting recipe, etc.

[conuly]

Oh, right, I missed that. LW is so enmeshed with Mom, I bet this is the tip of the iceberg.

[magid]

Heck, I wasn’t completely certain that LW doesn’t live with her mom, given all the details of intertwining.

And yes, mom needs new interests. Does she not work outside the home? Perhaps it’s time to find a job, whether full or part time, paid or volunteer?

[jadelennox]

my assumption is one or both of "LW lives with mom, and mom is controlling" and "mom has some serious, debilitating anxiety issues".

[conuly]

Yeah, but it's not LW's job to cure Mom's anxiety, Mom needs to get therapy and/or medication and/or a life and/or a hobby and/or i don't even know, but she sure as hell needs it.

[oursin]

Doesn't Mom have anything else going on in her life? She needs a hobby. Even developing an obsessive interest in some TV show would do. Anything that stops her hyperfocusing on her daughter. Somebody with other things to occupy her mind would not be constantly checking up.

[full_metal_ox]

Seconding the sentiment; I get the impression that LW’s mom put all her points into motherhood, as it were. (And that LW is an only child; they’re not comparing their treatment with that of siblings.)

[redbird]

LW should tell her aunt and cousin, and any other relevant relatives, to ignore her mother's demands/orders for them to do, or not do, anything involving LW.

I'm not sure there's a long-term solution that doesn't involve moving a thousand miles away.

LW definitely needs help from a therapist, and some scripts for things like "if I don't answer the phone, it's not a message, or a stunt. Most people don't answer the phone while they're on the toilet, and it's illegal to talk on the phone while I'm driving."

A therapist might also be useful for helping LW communicate with people like her cousin, without her mother getting in the way of everything. I can't tell from the information here whether that's even possible--does her cousin think all those calls and texts are reasonable, or is she just yielding to LW's mother's panicked steamroller?

[watersword]

I think the LW should winter over in Antarctica and, as a last resort, fake their own death and assume a new identity.

[conuly]

Good plan!

[watersword]

There are really a lot of problems that can be fixed with a faked death/new identity.

[cimorene]

This person doesn't just need boundaries explained - she needs a whole textbook on them. Possibly a support group.

[elf]

Does LW live with Mom? Because that would throw a wrench in the "shut her out" plan.

At age 40, and with a job, probably not. But. Especially in small towns, there's often an expectation of "you live with your parents until you are married" - and with today's economy (...the economy of the past 20+ years), it wouldn't be surprising to have a very-much-adult person who's never scrounged up enough for first-last-deposit and live entirely on their own, esp if Mom is "helpfully" providing support.

(LW may be able to afford an apartment or at least a room. LW may not own any furniture. A mom that's this controlling may wind up saying things like "you don't OWN those clothes because you didn't buy them.")

LW definitely needs to put some distance between her and Mom. Ideally, that's just a social shift, but it may be that she needs to hear, "no matter how rough it sounds - you need to get out and be on your own for a while."

[princessofgeeks]

Yeah, this advice is laughably incomplete.

LW needs a step by step plan for ending this controlling behavior by their relatives. The advice given assumes way too much.

What a horrible situation for LW. She is a frog at the boiling point for sure.

[cimorene]

Exactly. Maybe the columnists get so used to thinking about boundaries and communication that they forget people don't have their knowledge, but it's VERY odd when the letter is so clearly lost. Just be clear about what you need! Oh sure, that will go great.

[mrissa]

I feel like this is one of those questions that SAYS "how do I explain this" and MEANS "how do I explain this with zero conflict or hard feelings and perfect compliance instantly," and: I'm sorry, LW.

[nineveh_uk]

+1 The columnist would have been better to say that with this mother this isn't possible, and that LW will need to be prepared for a confrontation, in order to live her life, but that nonetheless LW must live her life.