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Dear Pay Dirt,
I grew up in poverty, where we were always on the edge of eviction. If it wasn’t for school, my siblings and I wouldn’t have eaten. It left a large mark on me. I am much more financially conservative than my husband. I have also been the main breadwinner since we married. We need a cushion before even thinking about kids, it’s really important to me. But my in-laws don’t care!
My sisters-in-law grew up in luxury, graduated with degrees they never used, and married rich. Ever since we got married, they constantly try to pressure us to have kids. When I’ve said we want to be more financially stable, they blow me off and say that “families do it all the time” and that “God will provide.” I have told my mother-in-law and husband how condescending this nonsense is to me. They both said that everyone just wants the “best” for us.
Recently, my sister-in-law started in on me again with her breeding propaganda: How I wasn’t getting any younger (I turned 33 this year); That there “never a perfect time to have a baby;” and how “Divine Providence provides for everyone.” Well I finally lost my temper. I asked her where was God the times I went hungry to give food to my younger siblings? Or how is he providing for starving kids in war zones? She started to cry, so now I am the villain. My in-laws told my husband I need therapy. My reply is that maybe my actual life experience and personhood is worth a drop of empathy, and they should stop treating me like I was a sow at market. How can I get them to realize that not everyone is rich like they are and that some of us do need to save and plan for kids?
—Not Breeding Anytime Soon
Dear Not Breeding,
First of all, you have absolutely no obligation to explain your life choices to other people, especially around something as personal as having children. Your reasons are valid, even if it’s just “I don’t want kids.”
It sounds like your in-laws are being unreasonable and pushing their religious ideas on you, and that alone is cause for shutting down the conversation with them. You need to set a clear and strict boundary here—you don’t want to talk about kids, your life choices, or their religious beliefs. You’re different people, and if they think you need therapy because your choices don’t align with theirs, that’s fine—they’re welcome to think whatever they want. But they’re not welcome to talk to you about it. You can also let them know the truth: that their arguments have not persuaded you one bit—in fact, they’ve pushed you further into your decision.
Your husband should also have your back on this. If you’re telling them one thing, and he’s telling them another, then they might think it’s OK to push the issue. Make sure he knows these are the ground rules and that the two of you are a unit that can’t be divided. If your in-laws can’t stick to your boundaries, you may need some space from them, and they need to be prepared for that conversation, too.
Ultimately, the goal is not to win a debate with them about this, but to shut down the conversation before it gets to that point. If they truly want the best for you, the least they can do is respect your choice. If that’s out of the question, then they at least need to respect your boundaries.
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I grew up in poverty, where we were always on the edge of eviction. If it wasn’t for school, my siblings and I wouldn’t have eaten. It left a large mark on me. I am much more financially conservative than my husband. I have also been the main breadwinner since we married. We need a cushion before even thinking about kids, it’s really important to me. But my in-laws don’t care!
My sisters-in-law grew up in luxury, graduated with degrees they never used, and married rich. Ever since we got married, they constantly try to pressure us to have kids. When I’ve said we want to be more financially stable, they blow me off and say that “families do it all the time” and that “God will provide.” I have told my mother-in-law and husband how condescending this nonsense is to me. They both said that everyone just wants the “best” for us.
Recently, my sister-in-law started in on me again with her breeding propaganda: How I wasn’t getting any younger (I turned 33 this year); That there “never a perfect time to have a baby;” and how “Divine Providence provides for everyone.” Well I finally lost my temper. I asked her where was God the times I went hungry to give food to my younger siblings? Or how is he providing for starving kids in war zones? She started to cry, so now I am the villain. My in-laws told my husband I need therapy. My reply is that maybe my actual life experience and personhood is worth a drop of empathy, and they should stop treating me like I was a sow at market. How can I get them to realize that not everyone is rich like they are and that some of us do need to save and plan for kids?
—Not Breeding Anytime Soon
Dear Not Breeding,
First of all, you have absolutely no obligation to explain your life choices to other people, especially around something as personal as having children. Your reasons are valid, even if it’s just “I don’t want kids.”
It sounds like your in-laws are being unreasonable and pushing their religious ideas on you, and that alone is cause for shutting down the conversation with them. You need to set a clear and strict boundary here—you don’t want to talk about kids, your life choices, or their religious beliefs. You’re different people, and if they think you need therapy because your choices don’t align with theirs, that’s fine—they’re welcome to think whatever they want. But they’re not welcome to talk to you about it. You can also let them know the truth: that their arguments have not persuaded you one bit—in fact, they’ve pushed you further into your decision.
Your husband should also have your back on this. If you’re telling them one thing, and he’s telling them another, then they might think it’s OK to push the issue. Make sure he knows these are the ground rules and that the two of you are a unit that can’t be divided. If your in-laws can’t stick to your boundaries, you may need some space from them, and they need to be prepared for that conversation, too.
Ultimately, the goal is not to win a debate with them about this, but to shut down the conversation before it gets to that point. If they truly want the best for you, the least they can do is respect your choice. If that’s out of the question, then they at least need to respect your boundaries.
Link
no subject
All she can do is tell them stop asking and them decide what she will do if they won't... leave the house? Take a break from seeing them?
And yes, her husband needs to back her up.
So many advice letters -- and I noticed this first at Captain Awkward -- are full of people wanting to MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND or MAKE THEM CHANGE. All a person can do is state their own boundary and enforce it. It's quite a sea change away from How Can I Make Them Understand. These people will never understand. Her in-laws are completely without empathy.
no subject
no subject
I too found it very hard to give up the idea that somehow, I could make them understand if I just explained it better. Sometimes they do not want to or cannot understand.
Setting boundaries is very scary at first. And for me it was a revelation that there even was such a thing! I grew up in a very codependent, "my feelings are your fault" kind of a family. So yeah.
no subject
It was the same for me. I literally didn't know there was another way. I thought the choices were either persuade people to stop hurting me, or just keep getting hurt. I didn't know I could make decisions about what I would put up with independently of other people's willingness to respect it. My family definitely did not teach that lesson.