agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I have a 7-year-old daughter, “Jade,” who my mother-in-law, “Pam,” is in the habit of buying clothes for without consulting us. These are always girly-girl things—mostly dresses, lots of pink—and Jade is absolutely not a girly-girl. She refuses to wear them, and we end up donating them.

The trouble is that Pam takes offense that she never sees Jade wearing “what I worked so hard to pick out” and has even gone so far as to guilt her: “Don’t you like what Nanna gave you?” I have tried explaining to my MIL that while we appreciate her generosity, Jade simply isn’t into those types of things, but she refuses to accept it and thinks that our daughter will come to like them “once she matures.” My husband says we should just carry on as we have and let her waste her money if she wants. Pam has four boys, so he thinks that’s where this is coming from (Jade is her only granddaughter so far). Is that the right approach?

—Dress Distress

Dear Distress,

Yes, I am with your husband on this one. If you thought it would help, you could use Pinterest or other resources to create a “look board” to steer Pam in the right direction, but ultimately it’s up to her to hear you and adapt her gifts accordingly.

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I hate this grandma, and I hate this advice. If Pam wants a dolly to play dress-up she can go buy one like everybody else.

Yeah, just off the top of my head:

a) Jade doesn't like that colour/style; or

b) Jade has sensory issues - a lot of dressy clothes have itchy fabric, itchy/scratchy lace, uncomfortable seams; or

c) Jade might grow up to be trans masculine or trans nonbinary.

And, by this point, you can probably add

d) Jade has by now developed a downright allergy to presents whose relentless message is, “You need fixing.”

“Don’t you like what Nanna gave you?”
I hope Jade tells Nanna "No" someday soon

If Nanna is that enamored of frilly pink dresses, they are available in adult sizes (it helps to know search terms like “coquette”.)

And darned if Nanna doesn’t belong to the gender who has social permission to wear them!

They are even available in super-expensive versions for adults, as worn by Jodie Comer in Killing Eve

I feel like this is one of the hearts of the problem: that many of us were taught to always be polite about a gift, and this Nanna is exploiting that.

And like...I still want people to be polite about stuff beyond the giver's control. If a young person has their heart set on a $$$ item and their family can only afford a $ knockoff/equivalent, that's a great time for a young person to learn to smile cheerfully and say thank you. If someone genuinely tried hard and did not know about a particular factor--a new allergy, say.

But there has to be a line, and this Nanna has long since crossed it. Asking a question like that is not actually attempting to know her grandchild, it's attempting to force her grandchild to behave in her desired way. Not okay.

(Of course with the allergy it's not just "smile and say thank you," it's also "and then say 'there was no way for you to know, but I'm afraid I can't have this because...'.")

That's what was making me mad here, the attempt at emotional manipulation. Avoiding any mention of Jade's preferences was meant kindly, but I think her family are being too nice when it's giving Pam room to push. And apparently she doesn't think there's anything wrong with using passive aggression on a child, so I'm not inclined to worry too much about her feelings. Jade should be told to respond that she thinks there's nothing wrong with a frilly pink dress for someone who wants to be pink and frilly, but it's not her style.

You're supposed to be polite about a gift with the idea that it's the thought that counts.

But what is is the thought here? That the child is just not good enough?

Even if, hypothetically, Jade starts liking frilly pink dresses when she's older, the ones her grandmother keeps pressing on her now won't fit.

Pam takes offense that she never sees Jade wearing “what I worked so hard to pick out” and has even gone so far as to guilt her: “Don’t you like what Nanna gave you?”

Guilting Jade is a step too far. Imho LW's husband needs to step up, step in, and stop his mother forcing unwanted and unasked-for gifts on Jade.