Dear Abby: Mom Feels Guilt for Resisting Her Ex's Pleas to Reconcile

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My ex is a recovering drug addict. We have a 2-year-old son together. I realized he was using drugs when I was seven months pregnant and all our money was gone.

I stayed with him for a year after I learned about his addiction. That year was the hardest year of my life. Choosing to leave was extremely painful, and I still cry about it every day.

My ex was never the type of addict who nodded off, cheated or had other issues; if it hadn't been for the money disappearing, we would have had a perfect relationship. He finally went to rehab and seems to be doing well. He still goes to work at a great job, pays child support now and is involved with our son, who adores him. He wants us to get back together.

It has been more than a year since we separated -- and I hate to admit this, but I'm the happiest I have ever been. Abby, I feel guilty about it. Even though I love him, he broke me as a person with his lies, and I don't think I can ever trust him. I love my life with my son, and the thought of us living as a family in one house again makes me sick. I feel ashamed for not wanting to try, and these feelings are crippling.

I told him I want him to move on, but he says he will always love me and will never give up. Do I owe it to him -- and our child -- to try and work it out? -- HAPPIER WITHOUT HIM

DEAR HAPPIER: No, you do not. You are in charge of your life now, and if that gives you peace of mind and makes you happy, then you are under no moral or ethical obligation to change it.

Please remember that you are not responsible for your ex's happiness. You may always love each other, but that doesn't obligate you. If he wants to "never give up," that is his choice. If you want to move on with your life, that is your choice and your privilege.

Comments

[cereta]

Dear LW's Ex,

Your ex is not a prize that you deserve back for your work getting sober and good behavior. She's an autonomous person who gets to decide her own path in life. Vowing to "never give up" is not only futile and frankly a little creepy, but it's probably not good for your continued sobriety (which, based on the math of the letter, is pretty new). You should be focusing on that and on being a good father to your son.

[malnpudl]

This. So much this. Speaking as the addict, here, with decades clean & sober but a long memory. Recovery & sobriety are good. Forgiveness and second chances are not part of a package deal, and not an entitlement. Part of recovery is owning one's actions and their consequences.

[xenacryst]

Instead of never giving up on the idea of the two of you being together, how about never giving up on the idea that you can be a better person and that that might be enough for someone - maybe not her, but maybe yourself - to love and trust you? That's not focusing on her, but focusing on yourself and making yourself as good as you can be.

[rosefox]

but he says he will always love me and will never give up

AAAAAA RUN AWAY RUN AWAY

[minoanmiss]

HONESTLY.

Dear LW: fake your own death and move to another state!