Social Q’s: No Need to Feel Flattened by a Fifth Wheel

[magid]

Third question in this week’s NY Times’ Social Q’s, posted because I’m flabbergasted by the guests’ question.

Twice recently, my husband and I were invited to dinner at the homes of couples we know. We assumed they wanted to get to know us better. But both times, we were surprised to be joined by a visiting family member. At one, it was a cousin from down the street; at the other, it was a visiting niece. Their presence definitely changed the dynamic. Did these hosts behave politely, or are my husband and I correct that they were inconsiderate and rude to include others and take away from the intention of the evening?

GUESTS

I think that you and your husband should reconsider your notion of hospitality. In both cases, your hosts shopped, cooked, tidied their homes and served you dinner. Yet you interpret all that generosity as rudeness because of an extra guest. That strikes me as rigid and ungrateful.
You don’t mention either couple specifying a dinner for four. Hosts aren’t obliged to share their guest lists in advance. And the idea that you couldn’t get to know one another better because an extra person was there seems silly. Feel free to arrange your dinner parties as you like. But don’t degrade the generosity of others: It’s unflattering.

Comments

[edenfalling]

I feel like it wouldn't be too difficult to ask if other guests will be present. Something like, "I understand that this is a slightly intrusive question, but I get easily flustered by surprises. Can you let me know if anyone besides you and your spouse will be present?"

[firecat]

“I’d like to bring something to share. How many guests are you expecting, so I know how much to bring?”