Dear Abby: My friend has no right to wear that ring!

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: A friend recently purchased a mother's ring from a pawn shop. When "Caron" told me about it, I told her she didn't have the right to wear one because she's not a mother. I discussed it with some other friends and they agreed with me, but Caron says I "overreacted" and that everyone is on HER side.

Caron says it's "just a ring" with different colored stones and she has every right to wear it if she wants to. The women who agree with me say a mother's ring is set with varied birthstones to commemorate the birth of a child born in a certain month, and that's why Caron has no right to wear it.

Caron says I'm crazy and need a therapist. She's ending our 10-year friendship because I will not agree with her. Am I right or wrong? -- RING OF TRUTH IN ARKANSAS

DEAR RING OF TRUTH: A ring with multicolored stones is not a military medal. There are no laws or official rules governing who may or may not wear one. Shame on you for trying to take the pleasure out of her purchase, and that you would drag others into your disagreement with Caron is disappointing and puzzling.

Comments

[cereta]

You know, I could almost, almost understand if the friend had a problem with (a) Caron wearing someone else's mother's ring (that is, wearing a piece of jewelry designed with sentiment in mind when you have no connection to the sentiment) or (b) getting something like that from a pawnshop (that is, being uneasy at the background of someone possibly selling something sentimental out of financial necessity). But even that is really stretching. Getting in a snit because your friend isn't a mother and is wearing a multi-stoned ring is just silly, and taking such a firm stand that things have come to ending a friendship? Really?

(I'd also say Caron is overreacting, but just from the LW's own letter, I have a sense that the LW would not let this go.)

[adrian_turtle]

If a friend of mine told me I had no right to wear a piece of jewelry I'd just bought, and went around to all the people we knew, asking them, "Isn't it wrong for her to wear that? Why won't you tell her how wrong she is?" If I didn't react with something like "Oh shit, I didn't know it was that kind of symbolic jewelry--thanks for telling me before I made a fool of myself in public," it could very easily be friendship-ending. I'm having a hard time imagining how their friendship could continue.

It gets even worse if Caron is at all sensitive about the fact that she is not a mother. We don't know, the LW may not know, if she wanted to have children and couldn't, or if she has mixed feelings about choosing not to have any. Being told she's not allowed to have something nice because she's not a mother may be especially hurtful.

[wordweaverlynn]

Oh yes. You've hit the nail on the head.

Also, I bet this friend has been a PITA for the past ten years, and this is just the final straw.

[littlemousling]

Wow, the letter writer is ridic. I mean WOW ridic.

But Abby's tone is weirding me out--"disappointing and puzzling"? Does she know the letter writer and have a set of behavioural expectations for her, or what?

[adrian_turtle]

Dear Abby has a tradition of being a little distant and formal. She doesn't usually get up in the reader's face with responses like, "that's no way to treat friends!" or "why on earth are you making such a big deal about this?" So she falls back on more abstract terms like "disappointing" and "puzzling," respectively.

[littlemousling]

See, but that's what's weirding me out, is "disappointing" seems very intimate. I'd never say a stranger disappointed me, you know what I mean?

[adrian_turtle]

Maybe a slight dialect difference? A conversation like this isn't at all unusual, around here:
"That jerk cut me off and then went right through the intersection. Can you believe he didn't even have his headlights on?"
"Are you surprised? This is Boston?"
"I'm not really surprised. *sigh* I'm just disappointed."
And they go on to talk about how people ought to be more careful, or how traffic laws ought to be enforced better. Possibly even road design. They never saw that particular bad driver before, and don't expect to see him again. The conversation isn't about him.

[the_shoshanna]

I've never even heard of a "mother's ring," but I gotta say, if I found a pretty ring for resale and a friend started insisting and insisting and INSISTING that I had no right to wear it, I would tell that friend to STFU. Possibly after I inquired whether she would also like to start passing judgment on which brides are entitled to wear white.

[eleanorjane]

Yeah, this, absolutely.

I've never even heard of a "mother's ring" before. WTF.