agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Eric: I’m married with four kids and have a sizable extended family. One son, who is in seventh grade, runs track and finished the season with personal records in his events, which also happen to place second in his school’s all-time best records.

I sent out a family text to all of our extended family raving about his achievements. This is common amongst all of the aunts and uncles. We got a load of congrats. However, my husband’s brother side-texted my eldest daughter, “tell your brother to stop being first loser.” (He did not text any “congrats” to the group text.)

My daughter showed me the text and chuckled. I’m not sure if she showed my son. I’m so deeply angry about this. I know that everyone will tell me he was joking. Or that I’m misinterpreting his meaning. I just cannot get over it.

My initial feeling is to keep my son as far away from his uncle as possible for the rest of his life. My second feeling is to call said uncle to tell him he is a complete loser himself (which would be super biting as he just got laid off, has to sell his house and downsize everything). I know I won’t do either but I am having a hard time imagining being around him this summer as our families usually get together each summer for a few days.

How do I express by complete disdain for his comments without upsetting the entire extended family? Am I being oversensitive?

– Second to None

Dear Second: Not every “joke” is funny and it’s often quite difficult to discern tone and context over text, so this message to your daughter lands in last place for me. No participation trophy. But I think escalating may do more harm than good.

You might ask your daughter if he and she regularly text. Perhaps this was something of an inside joke, a way to blow off the steam of sibling rivalry. That doesn’t make everything fine, but it could give you more insight into your daughter’s life.

You’re trying to be a good and protective parent for all of your kids, which is commendable. Unfortunately, we can’t always moderate the ways others interact with our loved ones.

So, I’m glad you won’t be keeping your son away from his uncle for life or calling the uncle to give him an earful. The good thing is he didn’t send anything to your son, or to the group chat, directly. So, talk your feelings over with your husband or another family member – it’s likely this also bruised your feelings, as someone who is proud of your son. See if you can chalk this up to weird behavior that wasn’t to your taste, but didn’t cause any harm.

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I don't know what the backstory is here, but does LW seriously think the only two options are "blow everything up" and "seethe silently forever"? How about "attempt a reasonable conversation where you state that, overreaction or not, you just don't think that's a funny joke and don't want him sending that sort of thing to the kids"? And then, if that doesn't work, then you can blow up at him.

Or, I don't know, maybe BIL is a massive asshole and the rest of the family has always been a bunch of assholey enablers, in which case, great, LW, blow it all up, I'll hand you the matches.

(Without more context it is impossible to tell if LW is being oversensitive or not.)

This!! I honestly laughed at how silly this question is. A little disturbing how wild LW's reaction is, though.

My thought was "I wonder if son is the Golden Child and daughter has spent forever feeling overlooked and unappreciated for her efforts/achievements,

and if Uncle also grew up feeling overlooked and unappreciated for his efforts/achievement

and so this joke was bonding over not being the Golden Child?

Because in that case, I have a lot more sympathy than I would otherwise

if it was just a joke in bad taste.

I too wondered this. This letter is a page from a family saga but we don't know the rest of the story.

Or "quietly keep an eye on how BIL interacts with the kids", "ask Daughter what the context is", and "ask Son about how BIL acts towards him"