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Dear Care and Feeding,
My relationship with my much younger sister, “Charity,” has always been a volatile one. Recently, our grandmother passed away and Charity stole some jewelry that had been promised to me, likely when she last visited our grandmother’s place before she went into hospice. She claims not to know where it is, but a friend who works at a restaurant she frequents said she saw her come in wearing our grandmother’s necklace; Charity, of course, is saying she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. My 15-year-old daughter, “Zarra,” knows how upset I am about the whole thing and is just as angry. However, I didn’t expect that she would take matters into her own hands—and oh my god did she…
Last week, I learned through my mother that Charity broke up with her fiancé because she learned he was cheating on her and had fathered a child with another woman. When I told Zarra that her aunt had gotten a dose of karma, she replied, “Thanks to me.” I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach and asked her what she meant. Zarra explained that she had given her friend “Lisa’s” college-age brother money to purchase a burner phone for her. She then had Lisa call up Charity pretending to be a woman who was trying to track Charity’s fiancé down so she could sue him for child support. Zarra said Charity had been so furious that they could hear her screaming at Lisa through the phone from four feet away. She laughed and said she’d never expected the prank to actually work, but was glad it did.
I am truly at a loss as to what to do here. On the one hand, Zarra did a very devious thing and involved her friend and her friend’s brother in it. But on the other hand, if I’m being honest, it was extremely gratifying to see my bitch sister finally get a taste of her own medicine—she’s spent her life taking advantage of people and is an all-around shitty person. My husband thought the whole thing was brilliant. Should I punish Zarra and inform Lisa’s parents of their kids’ role in what my daughter did, or is this one of those things that cancels itself out?
—Secretly Pleased
Dear Secretly,
I imagine that your sister’s transgressions towards you must have been much more significant than merely stealing your grandmother’s jewelry, because this was an incredibly cruel prank and I’m surprised that you and your husband are so pleased with it. Your daughter’s actions didn’t just harm your sister, they also impacted her ex-fiancé, and unless there’s a story you left out about him, he didn’t deserve for something like this to happen. Again, I am hoping that your sister’s actions in the past were atrocious enough to make something like this feel appropriate, but regardless, I’m also concerned that you’re teaching your daughter that it’s okay to wreak havoc on other people’s lives.
I don’t think you should punish your daughter, largely because I feel like that would send a very confusing message at this point. You’ve obviously told her a lot about your issues with your sister, and she felt justified getting back at her on your behalf. Let her know that you appreciate the sentiment, but be clear that she shouldn’t have done what she did. Unless there is some horrible missing story about your sister’s ex, he didn’t deserve to be caught up in this. The right thing to do would be to call your sister and explain what your daughter did; however, if you in your heart of hearts can say she has done anything horrible enough to you to justify the loss of her relationship and her future with this man, then I may understand why you may choose not to do that. If your sister is just a run-of-the-mill trifling bitch, your daughter’s actions may have been outsized and either way, they were inappropriate for a kid.
Telling your sister what happened will undoubtedly give her space to complain about you and your child to the rest of the family, but this is just a whack way for her to get her comeuppance. If you have such a serious issue with your sister, you and your household can go no contact with her. But your kid’s big revenge plan was not a good move and you can’t let her think that it was. I don’t think it’s worth involving Lisa’s parents, but as far as Zarra is concerned, she should be made to understand that she made a mistake.
—Jamilah
Link
My relationship with my much younger sister, “Charity,” has always been a volatile one. Recently, our grandmother passed away and Charity stole some jewelry that had been promised to me, likely when she last visited our grandmother’s place before she went into hospice. She claims not to know where it is, but a friend who works at a restaurant she frequents said she saw her come in wearing our grandmother’s necklace; Charity, of course, is saying she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. My 15-year-old daughter, “Zarra,” knows how upset I am about the whole thing and is just as angry. However, I didn’t expect that she would take matters into her own hands—and oh my god did she…
Last week, I learned through my mother that Charity broke up with her fiancé because she learned he was cheating on her and had fathered a child with another woman. When I told Zarra that her aunt had gotten a dose of karma, she replied, “Thanks to me.” I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach and asked her what she meant. Zarra explained that she had given her friend “Lisa’s” college-age brother money to purchase a burner phone for her. She then had Lisa call up Charity pretending to be a woman who was trying to track Charity’s fiancé down so she could sue him for child support. Zarra said Charity had been so furious that they could hear her screaming at Lisa through the phone from four feet away. She laughed and said she’d never expected the prank to actually work, but was glad it did.
I am truly at a loss as to what to do here. On the one hand, Zarra did a very devious thing and involved her friend and her friend’s brother in it. But on the other hand, if I’m being honest, it was extremely gratifying to see my bitch sister finally get a taste of her own medicine—she’s spent her life taking advantage of people and is an all-around shitty person. My husband thought the whole thing was brilliant. Should I punish Zarra and inform Lisa’s parents of their kids’ role in what my daughter did, or is this one of those things that cancels itself out?
—Secretly Pleased
Dear Secretly,
I imagine that your sister’s transgressions towards you must have been much more significant than merely stealing your grandmother’s jewelry, because this was an incredibly cruel prank and I’m surprised that you and your husband are so pleased with it. Your daughter’s actions didn’t just harm your sister, they also impacted her ex-fiancé, and unless there’s a story you left out about him, he didn’t deserve for something like this to happen. Again, I am hoping that your sister’s actions in the past were atrocious enough to make something like this feel appropriate, but regardless, I’m also concerned that you’re teaching your daughter that it’s okay to wreak havoc on other people’s lives.
I don’t think you should punish your daughter, largely because I feel like that would send a very confusing message at this point. You’ve obviously told her a lot about your issues with your sister, and she felt justified getting back at her on your behalf. Let her know that you appreciate the sentiment, but be clear that she shouldn’t have done what she did. Unless there is some horrible missing story about your sister’s ex, he didn’t deserve to be caught up in this. The right thing to do would be to call your sister and explain what your daughter did; however, if you in your heart of hearts can say she has done anything horrible enough to you to justify the loss of her relationship and her future with this man, then I may understand why you may choose not to do that. If your sister is just a run-of-the-mill trifling bitch, your daughter’s actions may have been outsized and either way, they were inappropriate for a kid.
Telling your sister what happened will undoubtedly give her space to complain about you and your child to the rest of the family, but this is just a whack way for her to get her comeuppance. If you have such a serious issue with your sister, you and your household can go no contact with her. But your kid’s big revenge plan was not a good move and you can’t let her think that it was. I don’t think it’s worth involving Lisa’s parents, but as far as Zarra is concerned, she should be made to understand that she made a mistake.
—Jamilah
Link
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I talk to my aunt and uncle at funerals and haven't seen or spoken to either cousin in about a decade. (One of those cousins I wouldn't spit on if she were on fire. She said some really nasty things when my dad had cancer.)