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Estrangement!
1. Dear Eric: My brother has children with whom I was extremely close when he and his wife got divorced in 1989. He never supported his kids, never paid child support and drank away everyone’s money, including $20,000 in rehabs that my parents paid for.
My brother asked me if he could borrow $5,000, and he would start making payments to pay it back. For the sake of my niece and nephew, I loaned him the money. Unbeknownst to me, my brother was borrowing money from everyone in the family. Soon, everyone in the family found out what he was doing and cut him off.
Fast-forward to three years ago (I’m now 56, and my brother is 72), he reached out to me again. Not to borrow or pay back money, but to reconnect. Through our limited conversations, he keeps asking for my address or an invite to my house. I never extended the offer, and I did not give him my address.
Brother recently told me he has been sending $200 to $300 every couple of weeks to my niece, now 40, a divorced mother of one son. He is also putting several hundred dollars a month in a trust for her 9-year-old son. I told him, on several occasions, since he has money to spare, he can send me money each month to pay me back. He laughs and blows me off.
I’m extremely ticked off that he disregards the sacrifice I made.
I blew off my brother and the $5,000 years ago and I don’t care to rekindle relationships that have been dead for 35 years. What I want is the $5,000 repaid. I have two kids in college and I’m partially retired. I’m not charging him interest for the past 35 years, but I should. I don’t think I can be blunter with my request, nor because of the time that has passed, would I have legal recourse.
If you have suggestions, I would appreciate the help.
– 5k Would Make My Day
Dear 5k: Wowee zowee do I hate what I’m about to write … you have to let it go. The $5,000 has grown so large in your mind, fueled by the compounding interest of outrage on your part and unreliable behavior on your brothers, that it’s nearly impossible to pay down.
Nearly. Yes, he should pay you $5,000. Let’s be clear. Ideally, he would pay you the astronomical sum of $5,000 plus 35 years of interest, but that’s not going to happen. He has, inappropriately, laughed off your request, which is par for the course considering the way he preyed on your family’s sympathies years ago. It hurts to be used like this and it’s not fair. But this is who your brother is.
You blew the money off years ago, but these emotions are coming up now because there was probably a part of you that thought by lending the money, you were helping your brother become a better person. It’s possible that that’s still true. He’s around today to give money to his daughter and grandson, and you’re partially to thank for that. I know you want $5,000 but what you really need is an apology (and $5,000). It doesn’t sound like your brother has the emotional ability to provide either right now. He’s poorer for it, but by letting it go, you keep him from robbing you of your contentment.
Link one (The letter after this one in the column is also about estrangement)
***
2. Dear Annie: I never thought I would be in this position, but I have become estranged from my adult daughter. We used to be incredibly close. When she was younger, we had long talks late into the night, and we would laugh until we cried on road trips. I was there for every heartbreak, every success, and I truly believed we had a bond that would last a lifetime.
But over the past few years, things began to shift. She started pulling away and setting boundaries I did not fully understand. Small disagreements turned into long silences. One day, she stopped returning my calls. I reached out with cards, messages and birthday gifts for the grandchildren, but I rarely get a response. She has told me she needs space, but she will not say why or what I did to cause this distance.
I have apologized more than once for anything I might have done to hurt her, even though I do not know exactly what it is. I feel like I am grieving someone who is still alive. I miss her every single day, and the pain of being cut off from my grandchildren is almost too much to bear. I see photos online and feel like I am watching their lives go on without me.
I want to respect her wishes, but I am also holding on to hope that one day we might reconnect. Is there anything I can do to begin to repair this relationship, or do I need to accept that she may be gone from my life for good? -- Grieving the Distance
Dear Grieving: Few pains cut as deeply as being shut out by your own child. You are mourning not only the loss of a relationship but the silence, the not knowing and the ache of missing milestones in your grandchildren's lives. I hear your heartbreak, and you have my deepest sympathy.
You have done what a loving parent can do. You have reached out, expressed remorse and tried to keep the door open. That is all anyone can ask. But reconciliation takes two people. If your daughter is not ready or willing, you cannot force the timing -- or the outcome.
Continue to leave gentle openings, not pressure. A card on holidays, a short note on a birthday, a photo from the past with a simple "thinking of you." These are quiet reminders that your love remains steady, even in absence.
And in the meantime, take care of you. Speak with a counselor if the grief feels too heavy. Find purpose and joy where you can. This estrangement may not last forever, but you must not let it consume the life you still have.
You are not alone. Many loving parents are walking the same painful road. Keep walking with dignity and an open heart.
Link two
****
3. Dear Annie: I'm struggling with how to move forward after my adult daughter, "Rachel," cut me off two years ago. We used to be close. I raised her as a single mom after her father left, and we leaned on each other through a lot. Things started to change after she got married. Her husband, though polite, has always kept a distance from me. I tried to respect that, but honestly I felt pushed out. It feels like the beginning of their relationship marked the end of ours.
Our last real conversation ended badly. I had asked if they would consider spending part of the holidays with me instead of always going to his family. Rachel got defensive and said I was making her choose. I said something in the heat of the moment that I regret: I told her she'd understand when she had kids of her own. She hasn't spoken to me since.
I've sent birthday cards, texts and an apology letter, but she never replies. I don't know if I should keep reaching out or give her space. I miss her terribly, but I also don't want to keep reopening the wound. How do I respect her boundaries without giving up hope? -- Left Behind in Louisville
Dear Left Behind: We've all been there -- saying something in the heat of the moment that we come to regret. What matters is how we handle ourselves afterward, and your apology sounds like it was heartfelt and earnest.
Consider writing Rachel a letter explaining how much you miss the closeness you shared when she was younger. Refrain from mentioning her husband or blaming her marriage.
You don't have to choose between silence and smothering. It's OK to reach out every once in a while just to let her know the door is still open.
Link three
My brother asked me if he could borrow $5,000, and he would start making payments to pay it back. For the sake of my niece and nephew, I loaned him the money. Unbeknownst to me, my brother was borrowing money from everyone in the family. Soon, everyone in the family found out what he was doing and cut him off.
Fast-forward to three years ago (I’m now 56, and my brother is 72), he reached out to me again. Not to borrow or pay back money, but to reconnect. Through our limited conversations, he keeps asking for my address or an invite to my house. I never extended the offer, and I did not give him my address.
Brother recently told me he has been sending $200 to $300 every couple of weeks to my niece, now 40, a divorced mother of one son. He is also putting several hundred dollars a month in a trust for her 9-year-old son. I told him, on several occasions, since he has money to spare, he can send me money each month to pay me back. He laughs and blows me off.
I’m extremely ticked off that he disregards the sacrifice I made.
I blew off my brother and the $5,000 years ago and I don’t care to rekindle relationships that have been dead for 35 years. What I want is the $5,000 repaid. I have two kids in college and I’m partially retired. I’m not charging him interest for the past 35 years, but I should. I don’t think I can be blunter with my request, nor because of the time that has passed, would I have legal recourse.
If you have suggestions, I would appreciate the help.
– 5k Would Make My Day
Dear 5k: Wowee zowee do I hate what I’m about to write … you have to let it go. The $5,000 has grown so large in your mind, fueled by the compounding interest of outrage on your part and unreliable behavior on your brothers, that it’s nearly impossible to pay down.
Nearly. Yes, he should pay you $5,000. Let’s be clear. Ideally, he would pay you the astronomical sum of $5,000 plus 35 years of interest, but that’s not going to happen. He has, inappropriately, laughed off your request, which is par for the course considering the way he preyed on your family’s sympathies years ago. It hurts to be used like this and it’s not fair. But this is who your brother is.
You blew the money off years ago, but these emotions are coming up now because there was probably a part of you that thought by lending the money, you were helping your brother become a better person. It’s possible that that’s still true. He’s around today to give money to his daughter and grandson, and you’re partially to thank for that. I know you want $5,000 but what you really need is an apology (and $5,000). It doesn’t sound like your brother has the emotional ability to provide either right now. He’s poorer for it, but by letting it go, you keep him from robbing you of your contentment.
Link one (The letter after this one in the column is also about estrangement)
2. Dear Annie: I never thought I would be in this position, but I have become estranged from my adult daughter. We used to be incredibly close. When she was younger, we had long talks late into the night, and we would laugh until we cried on road trips. I was there for every heartbreak, every success, and I truly believed we had a bond that would last a lifetime.
But over the past few years, things began to shift. She started pulling away and setting boundaries I did not fully understand. Small disagreements turned into long silences. One day, she stopped returning my calls. I reached out with cards, messages and birthday gifts for the grandchildren, but I rarely get a response. She has told me she needs space, but she will not say why or what I did to cause this distance.
I have apologized more than once for anything I might have done to hurt her, even though I do not know exactly what it is. I feel like I am grieving someone who is still alive. I miss her every single day, and the pain of being cut off from my grandchildren is almost too much to bear. I see photos online and feel like I am watching their lives go on without me.
I want to respect her wishes, but I am also holding on to hope that one day we might reconnect. Is there anything I can do to begin to repair this relationship, or do I need to accept that she may be gone from my life for good? -- Grieving the Distance
Dear Grieving: Few pains cut as deeply as being shut out by your own child. You are mourning not only the loss of a relationship but the silence, the not knowing and the ache of missing milestones in your grandchildren's lives. I hear your heartbreak, and you have my deepest sympathy.
You have done what a loving parent can do. You have reached out, expressed remorse and tried to keep the door open. That is all anyone can ask. But reconciliation takes two people. If your daughter is not ready or willing, you cannot force the timing -- or the outcome.
Continue to leave gentle openings, not pressure. A card on holidays, a short note on a birthday, a photo from the past with a simple "thinking of you." These are quiet reminders that your love remains steady, even in absence.
And in the meantime, take care of you. Speak with a counselor if the grief feels too heavy. Find purpose and joy where you can. This estrangement may not last forever, but you must not let it consume the life you still have.
You are not alone. Many loving parents are walking the same painful road. Keep walking with dignity and an open heart.
Link two
3. Dear Annie: I'm struggling with how to move forward after my adult daughter, "Rachel," cut me off two years ago. We used to be close. I raised her as a single mom after her father left, and we leaned on each other through a lot. Things started to change after she got married. Her husband, though polite, has always kept a distance from me. I tried to respect that, but honestly I felt pushed out. It feels like the beginning of their relationship marked the end of ours.
Our last real conversation ended badly. I had asked if they would consider spending part of the holidays with me instead of always going to his family. Rachel got defensive and said I was making her choose. I said something in the heat of the moment that I regret: I told her she'd understand when she had kids of her own. She hasn't spoken to me since.
I've sent birthday cards, texts and an apology letter, but she never replies. I don't know if I should keep reaching out or give her space. I miss her terribly, but I also don't want to keep reopening the wound. How do I respect her boundaries without giving up hope? -- Left Behind in Louisville
Dear Left Behind: We've all been there -- saying something in the heat of the moment that we come to regret. What matters is how we handle ourselves afterward, and your apology sounds like it was heartfelt and earnest.
Consider writing Rachel a letter explaining how much you miss the closeness you shared when she was younger. Refrain from mentioning her husband or blaming her marriage.
You don't have to choose between silence and smothering. It's OK to reach out every once in a while just to let her know the door is still open.
Link three
no subject
If LW1 does not really want to rekindle this relationship then LW needs to tell Brother to stop calling and then block his number. But one way or another, he needs to let that money go.
2. Holy missing missing reasons! LW2's daughter absolutely has explained, more than once, what the problems are in the relationship. "She started pulling away and setting boundaries I did not fully understand" - so what if you understand them? You can follow them, or you can get cut off. You don't need to understand "Only call me on Sundays between noon and 6pm, I won't answer other times" or "Don't bring up anybody's appearance", you only have to decide if that's really the hill you want to die on.
Anyway, Annie's advice is terrible. Daughter told LW2 to give her space, so that is how LW2 needs to proceed - not by stalking Daughter through her socials, not by continuing to send cards on birthdays and photos of those happier times which Daughter clearly does not agree were happier, but by giving her space. I will give permission for one card at Christmas, with a check for each child, unless Daughter has specifically told LW2 not to do that either.
3. And once again, Annie misses the mark! Now, LW3 tells us exactly what she said, and I gotta say, as a relationship-ender, "you'll understand when you have kids" is pretty weak. Either there's some backstory there that LW3 carefully elided or - and I think the letter makes a pretty strong case for this one - SIL is deliberately isolating Daughter from family and friends. Annie ought to have named that possibility and provided information for help for family members in handling this delicate situation.
She's probably right that blaming SIL for the rift is a bad move. People in abusive relationships rarely react well to being told point-blank that their partner is abusive, and the last thing you want to do is drive them away. But unless somebody explains this reasoning using those words, LW3 is not really going to have the information necessary to make the best moves here.
no subject
"I raised her as a single mom after her father left, and we leaned on each other through a lot."
rings the parentification bell, and
"Things started to change after she got married ... it feels like the beginning of their relationship marked the end of ours."
inappropriately sets up the daughter's actual spouse, the person she chose to share her life with and make vows to, as a competitor/replacement for LW3. She thought SHE was her daughter's life partner and first priority (a dynamic she set up while her daughter was a child who couldn't escape); turns out that, given a choice, her daughter disagreed.
There's nothing in the letter about LW3's daughter being cut off from other friends or family, or other friends or family even existing as anything but a threat (the in-laws); in LW3's emotional universe, only her own bonds matter.
LW2 rings a lot of the same bells:
"We used to be incredibly close ... I was there for every heartbreak, every success, and I truly believed we had a bond that would last a lifetime."
That's such a classic case of "our relationship was so great, back when I was in complete control of it and had total authority over my kid's life! Totally inexplicable that they don't want to share eeeeeeverything with me and be completely emotionally available on my terms anymore. It's like they think their life belongs to them, instead of me!"
no subject
That's definitely possible! I still feel that the columnist could've at least brought up the possibility of a controlling spouse - my practical advice would be much the same either way.
Very much agreed on LW2.
no subject
no subject
It is APPROPRIATE for an adult to form their own nuclear family unit and choose to make their spouse/children a priority -- that doesn't mean that you can't continue to be close to parents, but someone who sees a spouse as competition to the parent/child bond is not going to take it well.
I hope that 2 and 3 are able to go to therapy and LISTEN when the therapist tells them that whatever clear boundaries that were set don't need to be "understood" as much as respected. ("I don't understand WHYYYY they set a boundary" is very different from "I don't know what the boundary was.")
no subject
no subject
Also, when I read "it feels like the beginning of their relationship marked the end of ours," I thought, this LW is blaming something on marriage that may really just be the natural consequence of a child becoming an adult.
I have an adult child who lives far away from me. I feel very close to them, but not close as in "there's nobody in your life who knows you as well as I do." Not close as in "there's nobody in your life that you trust the way you trust me." Adults naturally fill their lives with their own choice of companions! It was a sweet time, the time when I was Mommy, but it doesn't last forever.