LW, you're lucky your daughter even talks to you

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: I haven't had a holiday with my grown daughter, "Charly," since she left the state 12 years ago. When she came out as a lesbian, I wasn't very accepting and didn't handle it well. I have since apologized.

Charly and her partner refuse to visit here unless I allow them to share the same bed in my house. I say they can't tell me what to do in my own home, just as I can't tell them what to do in theirs. I stayed with them once, and they slept in the same bed. Now they no longer invite me to stay there. Charly told me her partner is uncomfortable with anyone staying there.

I haven't spoken to my daughter about their relationship in many years. My heart is broken. I don't get any holidays with them, but her partner's parents are there every year and live in the next neighborhood. I don't understand. Any suggestions? -- MISSING HER IN TEXAS

DEAR MISSING HER: I do have one. If the three of you can decide to be civil with each other during a visit, tell your daughter you would be willing to stay in a hotel while you're there. Frankly, it might be more comfortable for everyone if they agree to it.

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Comments

[conuly]

I notice that LW is extremely unwilling to spell out why they want Daughter and DIL (?) to share a bed - is it because they're unmarried, or is it the gay thing, or both? - but at any rate, LW needs to decide whether a relationship with Daughter is worth keeping, because if they keep this up, Daughter's gonna decide it isn't.

I stayed with them once, and they slept in the same bed.

Yes? How many beds do you expect them to have, LW? Or was DIL supposed to sleep on the couch?

[lilysea]

I'm torn between a facepalm icon and a flames; flames on the side of my face icon.

LW, this is not 1961.

Your daughter and her partner/spouse should not be expected to tip toe around you IN THEIR OWN HOME.

(and frankly, making couples sleep in separate beds at the parents home is ludicrous, too)

[ethelmay]

I would not put it past LW to be suppressing their marriage, TBH. Not that I care whether they are, you understand. But it would be in character.

[jadelennox]

I legit am just assuming they're married and LW has wiped it out of her mind.

[serriadh]

Unless she means "I stayed with them once, and they slept in the same bed as me", LW needs to come back onto planet earth with this one.

What did she think they do in their own home that they share together?

[princessofgeeks]

Clean up for Clueless Parent on Aisle 20.

This woman is so fucking stupid. OMG. There is no mystery here.

[minoanmiss]

You said it, milady.

[cimorene]

The daughter probably would be doing a lot better if she didn't talk to LW.

[needles]

You're so right, LW, it's a complete mystery why you -- who pitched such a fit that they shared a bed in their own home that you weren't invited back there -- that you don't get any holidays with them. I have no suggestions, any more than I could possibly solve the mystery of nuclear fission.

On a different note, I hope Charly has an okay relationship with her in-laws for her sake.

[green_grrl]

Right? This floored me: “I don't understand.” Like, let me refer you to all the sentences preceding this…

[ethelmay]

I think she's expecting a cookie for having "let" them share a bed in their own home, actually - "I say they can't tell me what to do in my own home, just as I can't tell them what to do in theirs." But it comes to the same thing.

[nineveh_uk]

One has to wonder just how badly LW handled things if this is the better version!

And yet, theoretically this one would be so easy to solve. Charly still speaks to her mother, which suggests that Charly is a person willing to extend considerable goodwill! Send her a sincere letter of apology that admits to the more recent failures of understanding, make a positive suggestion they come and visit and stay in your house in the same room (and if you follow up with a phone, offer a hotel room if they aren't comfortable). Take it from there! It's not hard! And yet LW makes it so hard.

[mrissa]

Any suggestions?

FIX YOUR HEART NEIGHBOR

[ysobel]

LW has "apologized" but is still homophobic as fuck.

I love how she says "just as I can't tell them what to do in theirs" followed by throwing a tantrum about what they did in their home.

Maybe the partner's parents are around them more because they aren't hateful bigots...

[jadelennox]

I apologized! Also I don't let them share a bed!

that was a journey.

[julian]

So, LW. My parents give separate bedrooms to unmarried opposite sex couples. Do you do the same? If not, then you haven't got a leg to stand on, here.

[viggorlijah]

An apology is not acceptance or even basic human kindness if you don’t let a long term couple sleep together in their own fucking house and clearly are a jerk when they visit you.

[serriadh]

LW, "I let my daughter be a lesbian in her own house" isn't the progressive, tolerant, accepting position you think it is. It is also possible that as your daughter has chosen to live in a different state, she may have additional reservations about visiting (your part of) Texas with her partner/wife than just whether you're going to be homophobic at them.

Has LW offered to visit them and stay in a hotel so she doesn't interrupt their family life too much? Some people do genuinely hate having guests, even if those potential guests are lovely.