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Letters about inlaws
1. Dear Prudence,
Every time my mother-in-law comes over, she goes through my cupboards and silverware drawer. She then rearranges the utensils and stacks my dishes the way she thinks they should go. She then takes all the towels out of my cupboards and re-folds them to what, according to her, is the “right” way.
I cannot tell you how infuriating this is. My husband says to just go along with it because it’s easier than arguing with her, and we can put everything back after she leaves. To add insult to injury, she’s enlisted our 5-year-old daughter in “helping” her “make things right” and turned it into a bonding activity with her. Now, if my daughter sees me putting away things my own way, she has even begun “correcting” me! I know this may seem unimportant, but I feel like I’m being undermined in my own home. How do I put a stop to this?
—It’s My Damn House!
Dear House,
Just hearing about this makes me crazy. You feel like you are being undermined in your own home because you are being undermined in your own home, not just by your mother-in-law but by your husband, too. Your husband is disrespecting you.
Unless this is your husband’s passive-aggressive way of asserting that the kitchen should actually be arranged differently (by all means, ask) he is way overdue to stand up to his mother: “Sorry Mom, but if you can’t keep your hands and arms to yourself when visiting, we can’t have you over; it’s too much of a disruption for you to rearrange our kitchen every time.” Key words: you, we, our. I can already hear the sentence, “My wife says that she wishes you would stop rearranging the kitchen,” formulating in your husband’s brain. You have a child together; he’s overdue to present as a unified front.
And then, it is his job to hold the line against whatever bait comes to get him to justify, argue, defend, or explain: “I was just trying to help,” or whatever your mother-in-law comes up with. Everyone has their reasons for doing things how they do, and you live in your house and have to use and find your things every day; your mother-in-law does not.
If he can’t do this, then it’s his task alone to put everything back the way it was—not later, not tomorrow, but right away, and he better do it perfectly. I’m talking spices alphabetized. I’m talking Tupperwares nested. I’m talking mug handles aligned. Forget re re-folding the towels, this man should be forced to craft towel swans. This is mostly a joke, and mainly meant to serve as motivation, but if you ask him to lay down the law with her or bear the cost himself, and you find him later, sadly folding towel swans in the hallway, I have many larger questions about his family dynamic.
Link one
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2. Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband’s grandmother expressed shock and dismay when we showed her the nursery we put together for our child, who is due in August. She believes ordering things for a baby before it’s born is bad luck and brings up how we are inviting disaster each time she sees us. Both my husband and my mother-in-law just say to ignore it, but it’s beginning to bother me. What’s a good way to rid her of these hang-ups?
—It’s All In Her Head
Dear In Her Head,
Unless the mothers in your husband’s family are quite young (and even if they are!), it’s a tremendous blessing that your grandmother-in-law is around to see your husband become a father. Older people tend to believe many things we don’t agree with; some are terrible and dangerous, but this particular belief is rather harmless. It’s an old superstition, and more people than you might know agree with her—and that’s okay! Make a point not to talk about nursery preparations in her presence. If she brings them up, let her know that you respect her thoughts, but you’ve made your own decision, and then change the subject. Perhaps you can redirect her by asking what sort of things she thinks you should be doing to prepare for the baby, or if there’s any advice she can share about early motherhood. This won’t be an issue for much longer. Politely tell her “Okay, Boomer” (in gentler words!) and move on.
Link two
********
3. Dear Care and Feeding,
When I was a kid, my parents fought constantly. One or the other was always moving out, and my mom in particular had a bad temper. When I was 12, my dad left, and we lost the house. I bounced through foster care more than once while my parents kept right on with their cycle. I disconnected from them after high school, and in the meantime they both got sober and got into God. I spent my early teens and entire 20s working toward my number one goal of never being like them: I don’t drink, and I value fidelity and stability and kindness even when it seems boring. I spent a long time in therapy and premarital counseling before marrying my husband and having our son.
My husband and his family are wonderful, but the problem is, my in-laws don’t understand why my parents, who seem “so great,” are only allowed to see our son during a few heavily supervised visits a year. My parents are good as grandparents—they seem to have found a stable, loving groove they never had when I was young, and they’ve both been sober for over 15 years. They comply with any requests I make, and never put a toe out of line.
But they broke my trust so badly when I was a kid that I just don’t think it’s possible for me to trust them now, even if they have turned over a new leaf. Seeing them in person typically gives me a migraine and 1-2 days of vomiting. My husband knows it all and supports me during our limited visits with my parents, and personally wants to ban them altogether. How can I let go of my guilt over this and also tell my in-laws it’s not their business?
—Can’t Erase the Past
Dear Can’t Erase,
I know how pointless it can seem to tell yourself not to feel the way you do, as if that feeling is something you can choose, one way or the other. But you bear no responsibility for your parents’ actions, and I hope that you’re eventually able to let go of any guilt you feel. Maybe they have changed—maybe they are wonderful grandparents—maybe they will never let you down again! That doesn’t necessarily mean that what has been broken can be repaired. Which is hard for all of you, but not your fault.
The fact that you continue to see your parents despite the actual suffering it causes you does make me wonder if you might need more support, or different boundaries—or both?—in order to maintain that relationship. You are putting yourself through a great deal every time you see them; it must be deeply upsetting to manifest in physical symptoms. If you actually want to see your parents, or just really want them to be able to see your son, of course that’s your decision to make. But if there’s any chance you are allowing it mostly because of the guilt you feel, I want to affirm that you don’t owe them that time at the expense of your own health and wellbeing.
As for your in-laws: I get why they are curious, although I don’t think they should be pressing you to talk about this if you clearly don’t want to. If you feel genuinely close to them and trust them, you can think about whether you would ever want to share some details with them—or have your husband give them the gist and close the floor for any further questions on your behalf. For now, I take it you’re wondering what to say to them without revealing much about your childhood. That decision, too, is up to you. You could say that you and your parents have never been very close, and just leave it at that. You could also say that they’ve done some things that make it difficult for you to trust them, but you don’t want to get into the details. Or you could skip all of that, and just tell your in-laws—again, via your husband, if you want—that you don’t want to discuss your relationship with your parents. They may not understand or like that fact, but they will need to choose to respect it.
Link three
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4. Dear Carolyn: Although my fiancé is an only child, he is part of a large, extended family. This family has traditions for everything — Easter, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Fourth of July, Super Bowl — down to which plates can be used, how the table can be set, the food allowed, etc.
As an only child, he feels immense pressure to please his mom and do all the things. I’ve initiated conversations about how we’ll spend holidays once we’re married or have kids — establishing some of our own traditions. My fiancé just looks like a deer in headlights, horrified at the prospect of upsetting the applecart.
I genuinely like his family, but I like my parents and siblings, too. I want us to find a way to celebrate with both sides — not all at once, obviously. But, oh, I should add that his mother doesn’t believe in unmarried couples spending holidays with his side, so we’ve had no holiday tryouts yet. Fiancé says we’ll figure it out once the time comes, but we are getting married in September, and, uh, Thanksgiving comes pretty quick after that. Am I right to be concerned, or am I blowing this up?
— Weighted Down
Weighted Down: Advice columns already sit on the fine line between constructive criticism and meddling for blood sport, so I’m mindful that I can’t feel your feelings for you. But I can’t be the only one reading this whose boundaries are stretched to squealing. Maybe this will pass for hands-off phrasing: Is it possible you aren’t plotting anywhere near seriously enough to blow up the USS Sweet Mother Control Freak Applecart?
Meaning, you say to your fiancé, “If we’re postponing tough conversations about the Super Bowl, then we’re so not ready for marriage.” Meaning: Save yourself. While you can.
Don’t get me wrong — it’s lovely that an only child is careful not to strand his mother when he marries. I hope you fold both your families into your new one, even “all at once”! Why not.
But he hasn’t faced the idea of his difficult emotional work ahead, much less started on it. There’s the work to dismantle his terror of upsetting his mother; of shifting his loyalties from parents to partner — without feeling guilt-stricken, or resentful of you for “making” him; of updating his relationship with Mama.
His modeling warm, rational, unflinching limits now (i.e., before you were even engaged) is their best chance to stay close. None of which he’s even acknowledged needs doing. By September. That is what I’m flapping my verbal arms about.
Since when is what his mom “doesn’t believe in” binding on you two? “Mom,” he says gently. “If my future spouse doesn’t belong at our family St. Paddy’s Day, then I don’t, either.” Sample script for putting a hard stop to territorial emotional cluckery.
Your issue is only about holidays now. But it’s one crisis away from becoming about his priorities, his loyalties, his soul — because the foundation of the problem is his inability to form his own beliefs and stand up for them against the emotional pressure of others.
We all need to be able to do this. But he is showing you he can’t when the pressure comes from his mother. And you’ve shown you can’t when the pressure comes from him. Both of you want life partners who’ve learned better stress responses than parking your applecart in oncoming traffic. Insist on it, with a brave, loving refusal to marry “[blank stare]” for an answer. Forget that holidays come “pretty quick,” it’s that they keep coming. Like challenges do.
Link four
****
5. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My mother-in-law tells me my husband was sleeping through the night by the time he was a month old. He told me he expects that our baby should be able to do that too and that I am not doing the right thing by not putting our six-week old son on a regular schedule.
I believe a newborn is going to follow his own schedule. He isn’t going to fall into line with his Daddy’s expectations just because he thinks he should.
Shouldn’t a baby be let to follow his own schedule? --- FOLLOWING NATURE
DEAR FOLLOWING NATURE: My experience with babies is that just like adults, no two behave exactly alike. Eventually it should be more possible and is most certainly a good idea to get him on a schedule, for his sake and yours. At six weeks, however, that’s likely a bit of an impossible mission.
I’d suggest you check with your pediatrician for recommendations on setting a schedule for your newborn. Online sources may give you general guidelines, but your baby’s doctor has a direct connection to you and your baby and ought to have insights specific to your situation.
Link five
Every time my mother-in-law comes over, she goes through my cupboards and silverware drawer. She then rearranges the utensils and stacks my dishes the way she thinks they should go. She then takes all the towels out of my cupboards and re-folds them to what, according to her, is the “right” way.
I cannot tell you how infuriating this is. My husband says to just go along with it because it’s easier than arguing with her, and we can put everything back after she leaves. To add insult to injury, she’s enlisted our 5-year-old daughter in “helping” her “make things right” and turned it into a bonding activity with her. Now, if my daughter sees me putting away things my own way, she has even begun “correcting” me! I know this may seem unimportant, but I feel like I’m being undermined in my own home. How do I put a stop to this?
—It’s My Damn House!
Dear House,
Just hearing about this makes me crazy. You feel like you are being undermined in your own home because you are being undermined in your own home, not just by your mother-in-law but by your husband, too. Your husband is disrespecting you.
Unless this is your husband’s passive-aggressive way of asserting that the kitchen should actually be arranged differently (by all means, ask) he is way overdue to stand up to his mother: “Sorry Mom, but if you can’t keep your hands and arms to yourself when visiting, we can’t have you over; it’s too much of a disruption for you to rearrange our kitchen every time.” Key words: you, we, our. I can already hear the sentence, “My wife says that she wishes you would stop rearranging the kitchen,” formulating in your husband’s brain. You have a child together; he’s overdue to present as a unified front.
And then, it is his job to hold the line against whatever bait comes to get him to justify, argue, defend, or explain: “I was just trying to help,” or whatever your mother-in-law comes up with. Everyone has their reasons for doing things how they do, and you live in your house and have to use and find your things every day; your mother-in-law does not.
If he can’t do this, then it’s his task alone to put everything back the way it was—not later, not tomorrow, but right away, and he better do it perfectly. I’m talking spices alphabetized. I’m talking Tupperwares nested. I’m talking mug handles aligned. Forget re re-folding the towels, this man should be forced to craft towel swans. This is mostly a joke, and mainly meant to serve as motivation, but if you ask him to lay down the law with her or bear the cost himself, and you find him later, sadly folding towel swans in the hallway, I have many larger questions about his family dynamic.
Link one
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband’s grandmother expressed shock and dismay when we showed her the nursery we put together for our child, who is due in August. She believes ordering things for a baby before it’s born is bad luck and brings up how we are inviting disaster each time she sees us. Both my husband and my mother-in-law just say to ignore it, but it’s beginning to bother me. What’s a good way to rid her of these hang-ups?
—It’s All In Her Head
Dear In Her Head,
Unless the mothers in your husband’s family are quite young (and even if they are!), it’s a tremendous blessing that your grandmother-in-law is around to see your husband become a father. Older people tend to believe many things we don’t agree with; some are terrible and dangerous, but this particular belief is rather harmless. It’s an old superstition, and more people than you might know agree with her—and that’s okay! Make a point not to talk about nursery preparations in her presence. If she brings them up, let her know that you respect her thoughts, but you’ve made your own decision, and then change the subject. Perhaps you can redirect her by asking what sort of things she thinks you should be doing to prepare for the baby, or if there’s any advice she can share about early motherhood. This won’t be an issue for much longer. Politely tell her “Okay, Boomer” (in gentler words!) and move on.
Link two
3. Dear Care and Feeding,
When I was a kid, my parents fought constantly. One or the other was always moving out, and my mom in particular had a bad temper. When I was 12, my dad left, and we lost the house. I bounced through foster care more than once while my parents kept right on with their cycle. I disconnected from them after high school, and in the meantime they both got sober and got into God. I spent my early teens and entire 20s working toward my number one goal of never being like them: I don’t drink, and I value fidelity and stability and kindness even when it seems boring. I spent a long time in therapy and premarital counseling before marrying my husband and having our son.
My husband and his family are wonderful, but the problem is, my in-laws don’t understand why my parents, who seem “so great,” are only allowed to see our son during a few heavily supervised visits a year. My parents are good as grandparents—they seem to have found a stable, loving groove they never had when I was young, and they’ve both been sober for over 15 years. They comply with any requests I make, and never put a toe out of line.
But they broke my trust so badly when I was a kid that I just don’t think it’s possible for me to trust them now, even if they have turned over a new leaf. Seeing them in person typically gives me a migraine and 1-2 days of vomiting. My husband knows it all and supports me during our limited visits with my parents, and personally wants to ban them altogether. How can I let go of my guilt over this and also tell my in-laws it’s not their business?
—Can’t Erase the Past
Dear Can’t Erase,
I know how pointless it can seem to tell yourself not to feel the way you do, as if that feeling is something you can choose, one way or the other. But you bear no responsibility for your parents’ actions, and I hope that you’re eventually able to let go of any guilt you feel. Maybe they have changed—maybe they are wonderful grandparents—maybe they will never let you down again! That doesn’t necessarily mean that what has been broken can be repaired. Which is hard for all of you, but not your fault.
The fact that you continue to see your parents despite the actual suffering it causes you does make me wonder if you might need more support, or different boundaries—or both?—in order to maintain that relationship. You are putting yourself through a great deal every time you see them; it must be deeply upsetting to manifest in physical symptoms. If you actually want to see your parents, or just really want them to be able to see your son, of course that’s your decision to make. But if there’s any chance you are allowing it mostly because of the guilt you feel, I want to affirm that you don’t owe them that time at the expense of your own health and wellbeing.
As for your in-laws: I get why they are curious, although I don’t think they should be pressing you to talk about this if you clearly don’t want to. If you feel genuinely close to them and trust them, you can think about whether you would ever want to share some details with them—or have your husband give them the gist and close the floor for any further questions on your behalf. For now, I take it you’re wondering what to say to them without revealing much about your childhood. That decision, too, is up to you. You could say that you and your parents have never been very close, and just leave it at that. You could also say that they’ve done some things that make it difficult for you to trust them, but you don’t want to get into the details. Or you could skip all of that, and just tell your in-laws—again, via your husband, if you want—that you don’t want to discuss your relationship with your parents. They may not understand or like that fact, but they will need to choose to respect it.
Link three
4. Dear Carolyn: Although my fiancé is an only child, he is part of a large, extended family. This family has traditions for everything — Easter, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Fourth of July, Super Bowl — down to which plates can be used, how the table can be set, the food allowed, etc.
As an only child, he feels immense pressure to please his mom and do all the things. I’ve initiated conversations about how we’ll spend holidays once we’re married or have kids — establishing some of our own traditions. My fiancé just looks like a deer in headlights, horrified at the prospect of upsetting the applecart.
I genuinely like his family, but I like my parents and siblings, too. I want us to find a way to celebrate with both sides — not all at once, obviously. But, oh, I should add that his mother doesn’t believe in unmarried couples spending holidays with his side, so we’ve had no holiday tryouts yet. Fiancé says we’ll figure it out once the time comes, but we are getting married in September, and, uh, Thanksgiving comes pretty quick after that. Am I right to be concerned, or am I blowing this up?
— Weighted Down
Weighted Down: Advice columns already sit on the fine line between constructive criticism and meddling for blood sport, so I’m mindful that I can’t feel your feelings for you. But I can’t be the only one reading this whose boundaries are stretched to squealing. Maybe this will pass for hands-off phrasing: Is it possible you aren’t plotting anywhere near seriously enough to blow up the USS Sweet Mother Control Freak Applecart?
Meaning, you say to your fiancé, “If we’re postponing tough conversations about the Super Bowl, then we’re so not ready for marriage.” Meaning: Save yourself. While you can.
Don’t get me wrong — it’s lovely that an only child is careful not to strand his mother when he marries. I hope you fold both your families into your new one, even “all at once”! Why not.
But he hasn’t faced the idea of his difficult emotional work ahead, much less started on it. There’s the work to dismantle his terror of upsetting his mother; of shifting his loyalties from parents to partner — without feeling guilt-stricken, or resentful of you for “making” him; of updating his relationship with Mama.
His modeling warm, rational, unflinching limits now (i.e., before you were even engaged) is their best chance to stay close. None of which he’s even acknowledged needs doing. By September. That is what I’m flapping my verbal arms about.
Since when is what his mom “doesn’t believe in” binding on you two? “Mom,” he says gently. “If my future spouse doesn’t belong at our family St. Paddy’s Day, then I don’t, either.” Sample script for putting a hard stop to territorial emotional cluckery.
Your issue is only about holidays now. But it’s one crisis away from becoming about his priorities, his loyalties, his soul — because the foundation of the problem is his inability to form his own beliefs and stand up for them against the emotional pressure of others.
We all need to be able to do this. But he is showing you he can’t when the pressure comes from his mother. And you’ve shown you can’t when the pressure comes from him. Both of you want life partners who’ve learned better stress responses than parking your applecart in oncoming traffic. Insist on it, with a brave, loving refusal to marry “[blank stare]” for an answer. Forget that holidays come “pretty quick,” it’s that they keep coming. Like challenges do.
Link four
5. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My mother-in-law tells me my husband was sleeping through the night by the time he was a month old. He told me he expects that our baby should be able to do that too and that I am not doing the right thing by not putting our six-week old son on a regular schedule.
I believe a newborn is going to follow his own schedule. He isn’t going to fall into line with his Daddy’s expectations just because he thinks he should.
Shouldn’t a baby be let to follow his own schedule? --- FOLLOWING NATURE
DEAR FOLLOWING NATURE: My experience with babies is that just like adults, no two behave exactly alike. Eventually it should be more possible and is most certainly a good idea to get him on a schedule, for his sake and yours. At six weeks, however, that’s likely a bit of an impossible mission.
I’d suggest you check with your pediatrician for recommendations on setting a schedule for your newborn. Online sources may give you general guidelines, but your baby’s doctor has a direct connection to you and your baby and ought to have insights specific to your situation.
Link five
no subject