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Dear Care and Feeding,
My parents divorced when I was 12, and my dad married the woman who became my stepmom, “Audrey,” within a year. They had twin girls, “Miley” and “Violet,” who are now 14. My half-sisters do not get along (to put it mildly), and recently things came to a head. Violet got her hands on Miley’s diary and brought it to school, where she showed it to numerous other kids before one of Miley’s friends found out and told her. Miley confronted Violet, things turned physical, and they both ended up with in-school suspensions. My dad and stepmom have always favored Violet, and they ended up punishing Miley, while Violet faced no consequences for her behavior.
Now Miley is asking to come live with me. My dad and Audrey are uncertain about whether to allow it, but seem to be leaning toward saying yes if I’m willing to take this on. (Personally, I think they wouldn’t be sorry to see Miley go.) This is not the first time she’s asked to move in with me. For the past year, she’s asked on and off, but I attributed this to normal teen angst. Since the whole mess with the diary, though, she’s been calling and texting on a near-daily basis, telling me how miserable she is and asking again if she can move in. I think my dad and Audrey have been really shitty about the whole diary situation, so I am seriously considering it. I work full-time, so Miley would be on her own after school until I get home each day, but she is a pretty good kid, and I would trust her in my house.
The girls’ school year is over at the end of May. I don’t live in their school district, so Miley and Violet would end up at different high schools in the fall, which probably would be a positive thing. Should I agree to take her once the school year concludes?
—Would She Be Better Off With Me?
Dear Better Off,
There are so many things I wish I knew before I answered this question! How old are you? How thoroughly do you understand what’s involved in being responsible for a 14-year-old, and how prepared are you to do that? What’s your relationship with Miley like beyond her complaints about her parents and sister and your sympathetic ear for them? Have you thought about what she’d need from you if she—in essence—became your adoptive daughter? And while I assume you’re single, or you would have mentioned a partner’s feelings about the prospect of the two of you raising your teenage sister, have you thought about what changes you’d have to make, and what you might have to give up, in your social/romantic life—and also what guidelines you’d have in place for hers? (Not an inclusive list of questions, either!)
Setting aside for a moment my long list of questions, I do think it’s admirable that you’re seriously considering doing this. But if you do offer to do so, there are numerous steps to take before you forge ahead. You and Miley would have to talk about what this arrangement would actually look like—she’d have to understand that this isn’t going to be a long-term sleepover party, but that you would assume responsibility for her and would be acting as her parent, not just a big sibling/pal. A 14-year-old still needs plenty of parenting (and in some ways, parenting a teen is a lot harder than parenting a younger child). You, your father, and your stepmother would also have to be very clear on the terms. If this arrangement is meant to be more or less permanent, you need to consult an attorney. An informal “you can have her” offer from them and a “yeah, OK” from you will not protect you and Miley should problems arise. And everyone involved might agree to a trial period after school ends this May, and then a reevaluation. If she does move in with you, even for a month or for the summer, you’d have to figure out what she would be doing every day all day while you’re at work. (You’ve said she’s a good kid and that you believe you can “trust her” to be alone in your house—but trusting her with your belongings, and not to throw parties, and so on, in your absence, is only part of the picture. She will need structure, plans, responsibilities, and enrichment. Leaving a teenager at home alone all day with nothing to occupy her but her phone and laptop is a recipe for disaster.)
In other words, there is a lot to think about. And in the meantime—and especially if you conclude that this is too much for you to take on—what you can do for her is spend as much time with her, without the presence of her sister or parents, as you’re able. Be a force for good in her life, and an adult she can count on. You don’t have to become her parent to be that.
Link
My parents divorced when I was 12, and my dad married the woman who became my stepmom, “Audrey,” within a year. They had twin girls, “Miley” and “Violet,” who are now 14. My half-sisters do not get along (to put it mildly), and recently things came to a head. Violet got her hands on Miley’s diary and brought it to school, where she showed it to numerous other kids before one of Miley’s friends found out and told her. Miley confronted Violet, things turned physical, and they both ended up with in-school suspensions. My dad and stepmom have always favored Violet, and they ended up punishing Miley, while Violet faced no consequences for her behavior.
Now Miley is asking to come live with me. My dad and Audrey are uncertain about whether to allow it, but seem to be leaning toward saying yes if I’m willing to take this on. (Personally, I think they wouldn’t be sorry to see Miley go.) This is not the first time she’s asked to move in with me. For the past year, she’s asked on and off, but I attributed this to normal teen angst. Since the whole mess with the diary, though, she’s been calling and texting on a near-daily basis, telling me how miserable she is and asking again if she can move in. I think my dad and Audrey have been really shitty about the whole diary situation, so I am seriously considering it. I work full-time, so Miley would be on her own after school until I get home each day, but she is a pretty good kid, and I would trust her in my house.
The girls’ school year is over at the end of May. I don’t live in their school district, so Miley and Violet would end up at different high schools in the fall, which probably would be a positive thing. Should I agree to take her once the school year concludes?
—Would She Be Better Off With Me?
Dear Better Off,
There are so many things I wish I knew before I answered this question! How old are you? How thoroughly do you understand what’s involved in being responsible for a 14-year-old, and how prepared are you to do that? What’s your relationship with Miley like beyond her complaints about her parents and sister and your sympathetic ear for them? Have you thought about what she’d need from you if she—in essence—became your adoptive daughter? And while I assume you’re single, or you would have mentioned a partner’s feelings about the prospect of the two of you raising your teenage sister, have you thought about what changes you’d have to make, and what you might have to give up, in your social/romantic life—and also what guidelines you’d have in place for hers? (Not an inclusive list of questions, either!)
Setting aside for a moment my long list of questions, I do think it’s admirable that you’re seriously considering doing this. But if you do offer to do so, there are numerous steps to take before you forge ahead. You and Miley would have to talk about what this arrangement would actually look like—she’d have to understand that this isn’t going to be a long-term sleepover party, but that you would assume responsibility for her and would be acting as her parent, not just a big sibling/pal. A 14-year-old still needs plenty of parenting (and in some ways, parenting a teen is a lot harder than parenting a younger child). You, your father, and your stepmother would also have to be very clear on the terms. If this arrangement is meant to be more or less permanent, you need to consult an attorney. An informal “you can have her” offer from them and a “yeah, OK” from you will not protect you and Miley should problems arise. And everyone involved might agree to a trial period after school ends this May, and then a reevaluation. If she does move in with you, even for a month or for the summer, you’d have to figure out what she would be doing every day all day while you’re at work. (You’ve said she’s a good kid and that you believe you can “trust her” to be alone in your house—but trusting her with your belongings, and not to throw parties, and so on, in your absence, is only part of the picture. She will need structure, plans, responsibilities, and enrichment. Leaving a teenager at home alone all day with nothing to occupy her but her phone and laptop is a recipe for disaster.)
In other words, there is a lot to think about. And in the meantime—and especially if you conclude that this is too much for you to take on—what you can do for her is spend as much time with her, without the presence of her sister or parents, as you’re able. Be a force for good in her life, and an adult she can count on. You don’t have to become her parent to be that.
Link
no subject
2. There are so many things I wish I knew before I answered this question! How old are you?
LW's obviously at least 27.
3. Leaving a teenager at home alone all day with nothing to occupy her but her phone and laptop is a recipe for disaster.
She's 14, not 4. I'm sure she'll be fine.
4. With all that said, the actual advice isn't terrible - get the documents in order, agree on house rules, do a trial period.
no subject
Michelle Herman is 70 years old. And from Brooklyn, not the burbs. I could imagine this advice from someone born after the era we could generously call free range parenting, but come on Michelle, were you supervised as a teenager? In early 1970's New York City?
no subject
Edit: I didn't really read the advice before commenting. Obviously.
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Pfft, when I was 8 all I had was the TV and the GAS FIRE stove and I was fine. And this kid, if all is as we are told, really needs to be rescued. Blessings upon LW.
no subject
no subject
(Typo left for correctness.)