agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,

My niece “Abby” recently turned 8. In the weeks leading up to her birthday, her mom (my sister) “Yara” was looking high and low for a pink hoverboard from a specific brand in her price range to get for Abby but was unable to find one (she wanted one for Christmas, but they were sold out). Yara eventually settled on a scooter but said she really wished she could have found the hoverboard.

With a month to go before my niece’s birthday, I regularly scoured Amazon and eBay until one night I lucked out and found the hoverboard in the model and color Yara wanted for Abby. It was a little more than I would have liked to spend, but I remembered Yara telling me how much Abby had been hoping for one, so I decided to splurge and surprise her with it.

Fast forward to opening presents on Abby’s birthday. She was absolutely thrilled with the hoverboard and it really stole the show at the party. I was feeling pretty great. My niece now had the gift she’d been longing for since Christmas and all was right with the world. But I was not prepared for my sister’s reaction. After the party was over, she pulled me aside. I thought she was going to thank me. Instead, she ripped me up and down for making her “look like a failure of a mother in front of everyone.” I was stunned and said I had assumed she would be happy Abby had been able to get the hoverboard no matter who it came from. I just wanted to do something nice for Abby; I never thought of it as a competition, I told her. Yara retorted that I “always needed to play the hero” and stomped off. I didn’t know what else to say and left the restaurant.

Yara has always been a little on the insecure side, but I truly thought I was doing something wonderful. Not just for Abby, but for her as well. I thought that she would appreciate what I did given how much joy it brought to her daughter. She’s been very curt with me ever since. I really am puzzled by her reaction. My mother reminded me that “your sister tends to overanalyze things” and suggested giving her some space. But what’s there to “analyze” here? Was getting the hoverboard the wrong thing to do?

—Just Thinking of My Niece!

Dear Just Thinking,

It may not be rational or fair, but I confess I would have reacted just like Yara did. Put yourself in Yara’s shoes for a moment: She tried to make her daughter’s wish come true for Christmas and couldn’t make it happen. Then, she again tried to secure the hoverboard for Abby’s birthday, and once again came up short. At some point, I suspect this stopped being just about the gift. It became a manifestation of what Yara wanted to provide for her daughter and couldn’t.

A parent’s job is to keep their kids healthy, safe, and loved. While there are moments of joy in that work, there is also a lot of drudgery and rules. And sometimes, you don’t want to just be the person who makes the sandwich and mandates the bedtime; you want to be the hero in your kids’ eyes—the person who makes their wishes happen. You want your kids to know just how much you love them and how worthy you think they are.

What that means, in this case, is that sometimes a gift is just a gift. But sometimes we project a lot more onto it. Your sister couldn’t make the magic happen for her daughter, and I’m sure she was crushed, because it wasn’t about the hoverboard. It was about being able to make the hoverboard happen. Yes, every parent wants their kid to experience joy first and foremost, just like Abby did on her birthday. But I suspect that when you gave Abby the hoverboard, it reminded Yara that she wasn’t able to give her child that joy. It might not make sense to you, and you might not agree with it, but I think your gift hit a nerve that told Yara that she wasn’t enough. Now, I don’t think she should’ve scolded you the way she did—but it sounds like it wasn’t her best moment.

The way you could have shown up for both Abby and your sister would have been to call Yara and say, “I know you’ve been scouring the internet for ages, but I just found the hoverboard! I’m sending you the link right now so you can get it for her. Or, if you want, since it’s a little more expensive, we could gift it to her together.” At a minimum, you could have told your sister that you found the hoverboard and were planning to give it to Abby. It would have given her time to find a different gift (rather than a scooter that would obviously be overshadowed) or the opportunity to tell you she wanted the board to come from her. I love that you wanted to show up for your niece. The kind thing is to make sure you’re also showing up for her mom. It’s still not too late.

—Allison

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One way or another, Yara's behavior was in the wrong, but what I want to know is if LW has a history of doing this sort of thing? Because if so, then the advice I'd have given her sister is "Tell her it's a problem at some time when you're both calm, don't wait until you explode at your kid's party".

I “always needed to play the hero”

Oh there's a whole story there.

I don't get it, if i'd found something i knew my sister wanted to get my nephew, i'd text her about it, not just buy it.

I might text AND buy in a case like this, if I thought it might be sold before the other person could get around to it, but then I'd let them work out who gives it or if it's a joint gift.

Although if somebody scooped me on The World's Best Gift I think I'd be gracious? But if somebody isn't, as you said, there's gotta be a story there.

Sounds like they are not in the habit of communicating. If LW knew at xmas that the hoverboard was out of price range, why not offer to help pay for part of it? They obviously had the money. And wanted to get gifts for the child. That "hero" thing is probably on the nose.

Mom couldn't find the hoverboard at Christmas (and neither could LW, they were sold out.)

Ideally, LW would have bought it and given Mom the opportunity to kick in and make it a joint present, or trade off for something Mom HAD gotten for the bday . . . but, I admit, unless there's a whole bunch of unspoken history, Mom's reaction was over the top.

I like scouring for the perfect present/etc., so I also might have picked up the longed-for gift if I found it, but if I thought it might bruise someone's feelings to give the gift without their contribution, I would have reached out beforehand.

+1 Why on earth would LW not let the parent know and - given the price - suggest it as a joint present? I just bet that Yara is right about LW's pattern of behaviour, and I note that she said nothing in front of Ashley or other guests, but to LW privately afterwards.

Whereas LW knew what Yara had bought, knew the mother's present was going to be massively upstaged by the dream present in the same category, and was feeling "pretty great" about their moment in the limelight. But there was no need for this to be a surprise for Yara, as opposed to Ashley. I'm not saying that there should never be cool surprises. Just that in this case things strongly suggested to me that LW is protesting too much about their wronged innocence.

I was just thinking this was a personal/family culture thing, and your comment proves it. Because not only would I get the nibs or the godkids a thing they wanted, their parents would be excited that I had. And this is a pattern that bore out in the previous generation as well: sometimes (often!) my grandparents or my godparents got to be the ones who got me the BIG SPECIAL THING and my parents' response was "aren't you lucky you have so many people who love you and want to give you nice things," not "I wanted to be the one to give her that." We both felt like there was an obvious thing within our own context, and it was the opposite obvious thing.

Which doesn't make one response right and the other one wrong, it's a thing to settle between you rather than a thing to get an external authority to say is right or wrong.

Yeah - one of the biggest/best presents I ever got was a rocking horse from my godfather. It was a pretty big one on rockers, covered in grey fur. I don't think he'd ever given me a present before, which is fine, but could've added to a feeling of 'you're not doing the consistent stuff that's harder.' But my parents immediately turned it into a delightful anecdote about how my childless godfather and his husband asked what I'd want, my mum told them 'a rocking horse' meaning the horse-head-on-a-stick variety, and they turned up with this enormous thing. It was great, and my parents were excited. I was about 5 and I've got 2 younger sisters, and that horse was enjoyed for a solid decade.

I do sympathise with Yara completely here, though, given the circumstances (and clearly some kind of backstory given 'you always have to play the hero'). It takes a certain level of confidence to just be pleased when a godfather/uncle with no kids, who makes more money than you do, is able to show up with an enormous present you couldn't afford and blow you out of the water.

My reaction runs along these lines. I don’t think the suggestion of what Yara should have done is obvious the way Alison thinks it is. I was thinking along the lines of “OK, in retrospect she should have done it that way, but is it true that she obviously should have known to do it that way? Seems like she’s being asked to read someone’s mind.”

I have no siblings and no children, so maybe I’m just missing all the context people who have them have