![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Dear Meghan: How can we help and be better parents to our strong-willed preteen son? We just had an explosion about how his younger brother is so perfect, and we prefer him and let him get away with everything (the age-old story!). There is no doubt we parent them according to their ages and personalities — younger brother has a more easygoing demeanor and is receptive to … well, nearly everything. He’s simply easier to parent. Our older child needs more reminders about our family rules and has always been more bristly in general. We’re giving him more independence to handle things (school, sports) on his own, but he resents when we do need to step in.
We celebrate both children’s accomplishments. They are great athletes in different sports, and they both play different musical instruments — although the younger brother has been playing his instrument for longer and puts more work into it, so he’s having more success. I think we could do a better job of one-on-one time with the older one.
— Tween Troubles
Tween Troubles: What a great question! It sounds like your strong-willed tween has been a little more sensitive his whole life, and you are doing your best to parent each boy according to their personality. And now it’s time to change your skills for this next stage of teen parenting.
First, I recommend switching your lens from “celebrating accomplishments” to noticing smaller wins and everyday love. You can unconditionally love your children, but when one sibling (the younger, to boot) outpaces the older sibling in their easy temperament and general successes, the older child is always going to feel like a loser. We already know this is true because your tween told you when he had a fit. He told you all of the pains in his heart, and that’s a gift. He knows his younger brother is easier to parent and be with, and this knowledge hurts your tween deeply. It’s okay that your tween feels frustrated and hurt by this; life is a wounding event and you aren’t meant to control your children’s temperaments, but we can make things a little easier when we back off accomplishment-focused praise.
Take some to consider how your tween is belonging and significant to the family. It is easy for tweens to belong to a family in a way that attracts negative attention: It’s an intense developmental time, with hormones flying left and right. Consciously create scenarios in which your tween can contribute positively, such as more complex chores, working on and completing projects or working toward a goal where he can earn money. This may take some brainstorming between both of you, but tween boys are meant to be working with their minds and bodies, so get this boy busy.
I would also bring in other loving adults who can help you parent. Grandparents, teachers, coaches, neighbors, family friends — anyone can become a mentor to your tween. When we have other adults help us, we spread the mental load and allow other adults to see where our kids shine; hence, our children may see another side to themselves.
As your schedule permits, plan for some one-on-one time with your tween. Car time can be golden, so think road trips to see or do something that interests both of you. The time it takes to get somewhere can sometimes be what’s required for your son’s emotions to begin to thaw, and we want him to open up, express himself and let out some steam. It’s perfectly fine if he complains about his little brother. Just listen. If you jump to solutions or shame, it will only push down his feelings and substantiate his worries. So allow the complaints.
I cannot stress how important it is to have fun with our kids. When we are parenting a child who is a bit more challenging, it’s easy for our face to look critical. Our mouth is turned down, our eyes are scowling or blank and our eyebrows are furrowed. Smiling, laughing, being silly and finding the absurd is a relief to our tweens. They don’t want to feel like projects or disappointments, so find the fun like your parenting life depends on it.
Finally, make sure his intensity doesn’t have deeper roots. Diagnoses, therapy, medicine and skills groups could all be on the table, so make a list of his intensities and the patterns you see. Talk to his teachers, and don’t be afraid to reach out to his pediatrician. And there are plenty of ways to help your own parenting life, from classes to coaching to books to therapy, so reach out for support if you feel like you are running on empty. Good luck.
Link
We celebrate both children’s accomplishments. They are great athletes in different sports, and they both play different musical instruments — although the younger brother has been playing his instrument for longer and puts more work into it, so he’s having more success. I think we could do a better job of one-on-one time with the older one.
— Tween Troubles
Tween Troubles: What a great question! It sounds like your strong-willed tween has been a little more sensitive his whole life, and you are doing your best to parent each boy according to their personality. And now it’s time to change your skills for this next stage of teen parenting.
First, I recommend switching your lens from “celebrating accomplishments” to noticing smaller wins and everyday love. You can unconditionally love your children, but when one sibling (the younger, to boot) outpaces the older sibling in their easy temperament and general successes, the older child is always going to feel like a loser. We already know this is true because your tween told you when he had a fit. He told you all of the pains in his heart, and that’s a gift. He knows his younger brother is easier to parent and be with, and this knowledge hurts your tween deeply. It’s okay that your tween feels frustrated and hurt by this; life is a wounding event and you aren’t meant to control your children’s temperaments, but we can make things a little easier when we back off accomplishment-focused praise.
Take some to consider how your tween is belonging and significant to the family. It is easy for tweens to belong to a family in a way that attracts negative attention: It’s an intense developmental time, with hormones flying left and right. Consciously create scenarios in which your tween can contribute positively, such as more complex chores, working on and completing projects or working toward a goal where he can earn money. This may take some brainstorming between both of you, but tween boys are meant to be working with their minds and bodies, so get this boy busy.
I would also bring in other loving adults who can help you parent. Grandparents, teachers, coaches, neighbors, family friends — anyone can become a mentor to your tween. When we have other adults help us, we spread the mental load and allow other adults to see where our kids shine; hence, our children may see another side to themselves.
As your schedule permits, plan for some one-on-one time with your tween. Car time can be golden, so think road trips to see or do something that interests both of you. The time it takes to get somewhere can sometimes be what’s required for your son’s emotions to begin to thaw, and we want him to open up, express himself and let out some steam. It’s perfectly fine if he complains about his little brother. Just listen. If you jump to solutions or shame, it will only push down his feelings and substantiate his worries. So allow the complaints.
I cannot stress how important it is to have fun with our kids. When we are parenting a child who is a bit more challenging, it’s easy for our face to look critical. Our mouth is turned down, our eyes are scowling or blank and our eyebrows are furrowed. Smiling, laughing, being silly and finding the absurd is a relief to our tweens. They don’t want to feel like projects or disappointments, so find the fun like your parenting life depends on it.
Finally, make sure his intensity doesn’t have deeper roots. Diagnoses, therapy, medicine and skills groups could all be on the table, so make a list of his intensities and the patterns you see. Talk to his teachers, and don’t be afraid to reach out to his pediatrician. And there are plenty of ways to help your own parenting life, from classes to coaching to books to therapy, so reach out for support if you feel like you are running on empty. Good luck.
Link
no subject
The thing is... maybe the younger child is just easier to parent. It happens. But this can both be innately true and simultaneously be self-fulfilling - you have an idea of who your kids are, and they end up meeting it.
(I wish we had some specifics about what "everything" Older Son thinks they let his brother "get away with".)
no subject
no subject
no subject
No, seriously, which rules?
We have run into enough letters where people were acting like "family rules" were immutable laws of nature that my first question is whether this means "our older child has impulse-control issues about hitting his little brother and we have to tell him not to"--which, fair, don't let your kids hit each other!--or whether it's stuff like "in this family we don't have a snack when we get home from school, we wait for supper" that will hit different people differently and could easily be changed to accommodate different needs.
Also, it's not only possible but something of a classic narrative that they may be testing out the family rule set on the older kid and changing it depending on how they think it worked--"we wouldn't let Eldest do sleepovers until he was 10, but now we've done a bunch of sleepovers and don't see them as a big deal any more so Youngest can do them at 8" is very, very much a thing that happens. And sometimes it's even the right thing! But Eldest is not unreasonable to be annoyed at some of the possibilities there if so.
no subject
(I'm the eldest. The things my parents let slide for my younger siblings because after a few kids they realized oh, we don't need to do this, it'll pass on its own because it's developmental, or oh, it's OK to do this a little younger, were ENRAGING to me as a kid. It felt extremely targeted and unfair, and it kind of was!)
no subject
no subject